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Yet again with my oldest son. He’s banging the hell out of my doors being agressive walking around with high authority. This is the aftermath of the abuse. I urge anybody who is in an abusive situation to seek help any which way they can because the affects afterwards are unbelievably horrible. It’s like I’m still living with him x
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I’m so sorry to hear this BD and you couldn’t be more spot on.
Just today I saw a glimpse of my husband’s behaviour in my oldest son who’s (removed by moderator). It made me so sad but at the same time, just more reason to leave before it’s too late. Hope your son will be alright and keep well dear.
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Hello Betterdays, I know exactly how this feels as my own older son has obliterated a door once, and sees nothing wrong with that, neither did his dad… 🙁 , also other things happen here too, not nice, frightening and upsetting…
All I personally would advise you to do is to stay calm, no matter what, so long as you are safe and there are no personal threats to your own safety, but be firm in an assertive way, as safely as you can, only you will know how to master this in each and every situation this requires it from you, and state that his behaviour is unacceptable. I try to practice this every time my own children become abusive (most of it is verbal in my house especially from the first two children who are adults) but I don’t always succeed of course. We are all human with personal levels of strength and patience. But I try and I find my own form of encouragement if I succeed. It builds my confidence.
Maybe take yourself out of the situation to breathe and use the good old technique of counting to ten, or to one thousand if need be, maybe there are triggers that make your son behave that way, some of his reactions are patterns of behaviour he will have learned. Stay constant in your approach and don’t react, avoid that at all costs (I firmly believe that), and see if this works to pacify him.
When my older son behaves like yours does, later on when he is ok again I speak to him and introduce my wish to speak to him in a calm and caring way without making it too long an affair nor something too motherly. I keep it simple and brief and then if I happen to have caught him at a time when he is playing a game on the pc or watching his favourite videos on the pc, I share that moment without sounding artificially interested nor like I am stealing his personal moment and enjoyment alone. If I sense he is responsive, I stay a little longer and ask questions about what he is doing, how he is, and I let him talk freely, he therefore ends up doing most of the talking and I listen. It reassures him and he knows I am genuinely interested in him and his feelings etc. I avoid talking for too long about what he has done wrong but I do assert my view of the situation, quickly but assertively, without pushing him too far. Sometimes I manage to win a fist to fist movement of acceptance from him, and I leave him alone to carry on with what he was doing. I leave him to think and for the lesson to sink in.
In this way, time after time, my perseverance will win and I will have done my job as a mother. Neither you nor me can turn back time and wave a magic wand to make abuse disappear, there will always be victims and our children are the prime target of bad experiences and of bad role models. But one thing is for sure : we must no give up and it is very important to remain firm, safe, and the good role models they need to counteract the effects of abuse. Love is peaceful, gentle and safe. Show him those qualities and when the going is tough, try and find the triggers, deal with them and show patience and confidence in yourself. Don’t despair either.
You are right when you say we need to seek help, especially when the effects of abuse are so severe. We are not to blame, you are not to blame. I too live with mini copies of my husband in most of my children, it is horrible. But your children just like mine are also copies of ourselves, and we can inspire them to be the opposite of our abusers are. I hope you can find the right help to make this difficult time more manageable for you and your children. I just wanted to show you my support and say I understand how you feel. Keep strong Betterdays, don’t loose hope. Don’t forget after the storm comes the calm. My heart goes to you Betterdays. xx BJ
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