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Hi all,
A couple of weeks ago my husband overstepped the mark with our daughter, he lost his temper and hurt her, this is a first for him, he is normally an angry person and slams/throws things in a rage and we spend our lives walking on eggshells with him. This is the first time he has hurt anyone however. I was furious and contacted the NSPCC, in the hope that they’ll either get him to change or to leave. They got back to me today and have said that due to the nature of the complaint it is unlikely to be confidential as to who submitted the complaint, as I asked for. Because of this I asked for the complaint to be retracted. They have said they can’t retract the complaint and are going to contact Children’s Services. I now not only fear my husbands reaction to this but also fear the children will be taken away from us. I wish I could go back in time and keep things to myself.
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Take a deep breath, zebedie, and be very sure you have done the right thing. Not the easy thing but the right thing. Your child was hurt and there is no excuse for the person whose job above all is to cherish and protect them to do that.
If a stranger had done this, how would you have responded? This is worse than a stranger because the hurt child shares a roof with the person who hurt them and can never feel safe. Something had to be done, didn’t it? Your duty to protectyour child naturally comes before any expectations your partner may have about your silence and ‘loyalty’ to him!
You need to be safe, too – if you fear you may be hurt yourself, share that concern. It could be that the authorities decide your husband cannot continue to live under the same roof as his child. He would have to be the one to go, not you. Nobody will even dream of taking your child from you, as the person who has acted to protect them.
Look to the future. I was terrorised into silence in the same situation. My daughter is now an adult and in therapy, due I believe to the treatment she received from her father which was verbal, psychological and physical. She recently asked my why I didn’t act to protect her and stop the abuse and I was so ashamed. I had to confess I’d been frightened and had not wanted to report as it would have meant he would lose his job, but I knew even then that I was making the wrong choice and she would pay for it.
Stay with us, we’ll be there for you. I wish I’d had the forum back then!
Flower x
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Hi Zanyzebedie, what you did was what all mothers would do if they could choose to. I think because he hurt your daughter(don’t know if he’s hurt you, but it seems as if she’s the first to be hurt) you’ve acted automatically to protect her. As @Flowerchild said if it had been a stranger you would have reported them, you feel guilty for reporting him but you really did the right thing. I so wish id reported my OH, both my grown children have issues. Such a little word for a menagerie of problems, society again trying to minimise and sanitize abuse😞.
You have been the responsible adult here, you’ve taken steps to let him know what he does has consequences, don’t give him any other chances because he will not change. These men cannot change overnight. They treat us this way through years of learned behaviour. It really can’t go away after one incident that has been reported. It sometimes doesn’t even go away after the man’s gone into an abuse programme.
Be safe love and hugs to you. It may not feel like you’ve done the right thing but sometimes those decisions are the hardest to take. Remember it was what he DID that caused your reaction. Every action has a reaction.
IWMB 💕💕 -
Hi there,
As others have said you have done the right thing. Children’s Services will be aware that you made that call to NSPCC and you did what you could to protect your children. Their main concern will be him and if you are worried about your safety, they should support you with this.
If you haven’t already it may be worth contacting your local domestic abuse service as they could support you with speaking to children’s services. They can advocate for you and go with you to meetings if needed.
Please remember that you did the right thing.
Best Wishes,
Lisa
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Hi like all above you absolutely did the right thing. He might have continued this behaviour or worse escalated it. I think we can all understand that naturally you will be feeling scared to face this. I know a social worker personally and she told me they dont take children away from a good parent. Its their job to keep you together and forge a healthy future with support. They are their to help you and your child so dont be scared. x*x
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Thanks for the support ladies.
After a few days of dreading coming home to find social services sat with him with a very stony face, I decided he might be ever so slightly less annoyed if I told him what I had done so he can prepare himself for them turning up. He is now giving me the silent treatment, when I walk into a room he walks out, he won’t look at me or talk to me.
Children’s services phoned me today, the lady asked if I wanted someone to come round to see us. I said that they may as well, as he was kind of expecting it now anyway. She is calling me back on Monday to discuss. In the mean time she is contacting the children’s schools as well as a medical service. I am now wondering if it would be the right thing to do to get them round, all of this just seems to be pushing his buttons more!
In an ideal world I’d like him to see the error of his ways and get some help. Me and the kids are sick of walking on egg shells trying not to say the wrong thing to set him off. He has a tendency to shout, slam doors and slam things around over the slightest of things. He doesn’t physically hurt me and I think in his own mind he is just punishing the kids for being naughty.
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He has also dragged the children by their ears in the past.
My daughter now has a temper herself and lashes out. I do wonder if this is learned behaviour.
Anyway what does everyone think, when children’s services contact me on Monday, do I get them to come round or not?
X*x -
Hi there, yes id let them come round, as if you cancelled, it would let him know that you are scared of him and he will eventually overstep this boundary that you have shown him.
Keep a diary of his behaviour since social services visited, silent treatment, avoiding being in same room, whatever he does, but keep it up after as well. It will be able to show you his cycle of abuse quite clearly.
It also shows your children that you’ll do anything to protect them. Try and not rise to anything he does and keep the children with you, they will be witness to his behaviour whether it’s silent or active.
Good luck, and much strength to you.
IWMB 💕💕
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