30th November 2015 at 3:26 pm #5844WanderingCloudParticipant
I work full time, bring home a not bad salary yet I have to justify how much I spend at the supermarket. I went yesterday for a few bits, didnt spend a great deal (doesnt go far anyway). This morning he asked me how much I had spent and had me go through what I had bought. The atmosphere was awful, I felt like I had done something terrible and then being told off like a child. His silence was so domineering.
My therapist says that is because he sees everything as his and he is the one who has control over it, I am not allowed to make reasonable decisions such as what to buy from the supermarket.
30th November 2015 at 9:02 pm #5849LisaMain Moderator
I am sorry to hear about how your partner makes you feel, he sounds very controlling and financially abusive. Silence can be a very powerful way of trying to make you bad and as though you are the one in the wrong. It is so important to remember that your partner is responsible for his behaviour.
I can see that you have a therapist however, if you need to talk things through do remember that you can call the Helpline at anytime.
You will notice that we are continuing to have some technical issues, I am sure that the other users will around soon to offer some support.
1st December 2015 at 9:37 am #5857Midnight MarblesParticipant
Hi Wandering Cloud,
My husband used to do this 29 years ago, I worked full time and earnt a good wage, he couldn’t hold a job down so I was often the bread winner having to justify every penny I spent, even petrol and very much need clothes.
I had to threaten to leave and tell him I wasn’t going to tell him how much I had spent, this was horrific at the time, lots of his screaming at me and throwing things, sulking and pity me sessions, really hard to stay strong but it worked to certain degree.
However 29 years later I still carrying the emotional scars, I spend what I want but am always weary of letting on what and how much things are, although he knows not to say much it is still there, a look or a tut.
He still can’t hold a job down, so he does a few days when someone rings, he will only work about 5 hours and says that’s all he can manage, not a lot of money around, I still work full time and keep my opinions to myself because it wouldn’t do any good.
I tell you all this because what he’s doing will not get better, if anything it will lead to all areas of your life, I have to fight every day to keep a lid on his emotional abuse, on top it all looks fine, underlying tension is a different matter, it’s exhausting.
Hope I have said the right things to you and not gone on to much about my own situation. I would still love to leave but can’t, no idea of if I will but wish I had at that time.
1st December 2015 at 1:17 pm #5861WanderingCloudParticipant
Thank you for your kind words. My husband has always been controlling but you never notice these things, they seem to form part of normality. It is only in recent years I am recognising his behaviour, it is helping now I am seeing a therapist as I am able to talk about me which is something I never do, his needs always come first. He has obsession with money and the more he has, the higher his status is in amongst people around us.To me, money is great but it doesnt rule my world. I am working towards leaving but it is really really scary. It sounds so simple when you hear other people say they have left, I wish I was one of them but I have to work to build my strength up which is where my therapist comes in.
I also lie about spending, we have to do it as part of surviving in an emotionally abusive marriage so dont feel guilty.
have you tried exploring the possibility of seeing a councillor? This may open doors for you that you never knew existed. Whilst I am not quite there yet, it has helped me enormously and I know that one day, I will take that plunge and leave. Life is too short to waste with someone who only loves themself. xx
2nd December 2015 at 8:46 pm #5903Midnight MarblesParticipant
Oh you are so right.
I have seen a therapist twice now and that’s where all this has come to light, the first session he asked me if I had seen anyone about the domestic abuse! I know he had treated me badly but couldn’t put a name to it, this felt like a punch in the chest. I have not told husband anything about this, been there so many times and it makes no difference, just loud abuse.
My therapist is ill at the moment so I am on my own with it. I am reading why does he do that? And I can think of an example for most of the behaviours in the book but still can’t accept that leaving would be the best idea. I go from wanting out now, like you said very very scary, to thinking just get on and everything will be ok. OK!!!
Yesterday I went and enquired about renting a house, that was interesting. I won’t leave I’ll just keep on being OK.
I also lie about spending. My husband (detail removed by moderator)and that is his obsession, I have been second best to a bunch of birds!!!! Holidays on my own with 3 children,family events on my own, driving kids about while he’s on the garden. Alone all of the time very lonely, lonely for the man I’d like him to be but he never will be. When at home he’s always there though, watching and criticizing.
Sorry for the rant!!
11th December 2018 at 4:50 pm #68535IwantmebackParticipant
Hi all, this is an interesting thread and feel I have something to add to it. Even though my oh said in the beginning he didn’t bother what I spent my money on, it was my money anyway, once we got married that opinion changed. He didn’t outright control what I was spending, still doesn’t. Can be very generous too, BUT there’s been the sly comments about how much did that cost, stop buying so much c..p for the house, (candles, wee pictures, you know the stuff that makes a house a home.) I found i was becoming more and more secretive as the years went on, saying things like I’ve had this for ages, which i had, but it was still new, just hadn’t worn it. It’s just saddened on me, I’ve become my mum, she did the exact same thing, biught stuff she’d never wear eirher. Buying things to fill the void of sadness. My mum and dad have a great marriage but she suffered from anxiety and depression due to circumstances in her life. I wonder if it’s something all women do to cope with immense sadness in their lives.
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