Having to leave but feel confused…

[Blondexxxx]

Hi, sorry having a bad day today.

So my partner or should I say ex, ended things about (removed by moderator) ago. Started an argument over something stupid apparently I undermine him when it comes to our child.

He then said it was over and asked me and the kids to get out, he said since he has stopped drinking and taking drugs (removed by moderator) everything in his life is going good apart from me.

I find this totally upsetting and co fusing because for years and years I have put up with the physical and mental abuse, nothing I do is good enough, i don’t wash his clothes right, (detail removed by moderator), the constant paranoia and control I was constantly having to prove myself when I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

I should have been the one who left him.

He owns the house so I don’t really have any savings even though I have a good job, but I only work part time as I struggle with childcare for our child with the school pick-ups etc as I rely on family for the days I work
My partner does nothing to help yet calls me for only working part time.

He literally laid into me (removed by moderator) saying I’m worthless, told me he was going to go sleep with someone else if I didn’t leave, (detail removed by moderator).

Since then iv has the silent treatment and he’s slept on the sofa. Only when I tried to ask him what iv done wrong he then went mental again trying to hit me with an object (removed by moderator) telling me to shut up and stop crying.

I honestly can’t get my head around things as I used to think it was the drugs and alcohol but now it’s just the anger and nastiness but with no excuse?

He’s thrown us out in the past then done exactly the same thing! I should by now hate him and be angry that the kids be so unsettled and we have to move again.

I have started looking at houses to rent and iv told him we will be out as soon as possible. He said if I’m not then he will smash my things up and throw them on the street.
I had to speak to (removed by moderator) to tell him to leave my things and he’s left me alone since and just been going out all day and coming back late at night.

If he is seeing someone else I shouldn’t want him ahyway.
I guess what I’m trying to get my head around is why is he the one wanting to leave me after everything I have done to support him over the years
Why can’t I hate him.

And if I do leave am I going to feel worse

I used to never want to leave the house when he did things like this but it’s half term and iv actually been out every day with the kids and friends keeping busy. Which is a big step for me but I do find myself wanting bed time to come so I can sleep.

Do you think it will shock him if I just go then I’m worried what if he doesn’t even care.

Because maybe he does have someone else.

He said I don’t appreciate anything he does but that’s a lie. As every day me and the kids wake up wondering what mood he is in.
He never asked me about my day or if I was ok.

he’s done so much to me over the years, he’s stole money off me through gambling with my card, he’s gave me black eyes, he’s spat on me and destroyed my belongings. He’s cheated on me more than once and he always calls me names

Everyone looks at me and says I can do better and that because I look after myself he is just jealous but I don’t feel like that as he acts like he thinks he is better than me

He owns the house so he says I have nothing! Which makes me feel worse as I actually don’t own a house but it’s hard to own a house with someone whose mum has paid for everything for him.

I just feel stuck but then want to show him I have had enough and leave 🙁 xx

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely, this sounds awful and very familiar. The best thing you can do right now is stop trying to get him to see your side or to fix things, now is the time to focus on you and the kids These people don’t make logical sense. They don’t see or feel the world like we do. Therefore he’ll never understand your perspective or want to. It’s a hard pill to swallow but he doesn’t care that he’s hurting you all (and it’s not just you, the kids definitely feel it too), even worse he’s intentionally hurting you..and worse still he’s enjoying it. Healthy relationships don’t watch a partner cry and want more of it. They also have to be the victim in the story too so he’s trying to coerce and push you into doing something he can twist. If you haven’t then read Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’, can buy a copy or find free online. Best thing you can do is stay safe and ignore him. He’s going to sulk & tantrum kick whatever you do, so do you and seek out some support xx

[Llgirl]

What you’ve been through sounds awful, and very abusive. Him saying he wants to end things with you could be a double bluff to make you beg and ultimately puts him in a stronger position of power because you’ve stayed with him after he’s threatened to leave. My ex did this all the time, he would say it was over and he’s keeping the house, I need to leave with the kids etc. Is it safe for you to reach out for local support in your area? I would go to your local GP and tell them everything that’s been happening to you and the kids, they can contact local services for you and get you immediate help, there’s also legal aid available so you could get a relevant injunction against him which protects you and the kids, if you have been living in the house you will have some claim to the property if you’ve been also helping to pay for the mortgage or keeping it running I’m sure, you could contact a family solicitor for some advice, most solicitors if you tell them it’s a DV situation will be able to advise you over the phone.

Before you leave is there any way you can get any evidence of what’s been happening to you all, whether that’s (detail removed by Moderator), or text messages, you don’t know where this could go in the future but it’s really good to keep some form of evidence if it’s safe to store on your mobile phone.

It’s terrifying leaving, but you can do it. I stayed for too many years and now I’ve left it’s still hard but nobody deserves to live in fear.

Posting on this forum is a good sign you are getting ready and have had enough. Sending lots of strength to you at this time, I would start getting everything ready for you to be able to leave, but do this secretly as it may be a ploy as I say to test how far he has control over you.

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