Haywire emotions

[phantasmagorical]

I’m feeling so conflicted towards him. He’s lied to me, constructed a false reality that I thought was real (this has really messed with my sense of trust in people and experiences), and has discarded me without much explanation, other than that his mental health is very fragile.

I’m flitting between feeling numb, to feeling vulnerable and therefore defensive, to almost craving him? On reflection, these emotions mirror my usual pattern when I was with him. I’m so used to receiving that surge of assurance and attention after a period of silence / neglect. It feels weird to consider, but I think I became (and am) really addicted to him? Things were so turbulent between us eventually, to the point of me even saying “I hate you sometimes” when he kept making the same mistakes over and over again. I felt driven to the point of incredibly high tension where I could pop off at the slightest thing, and sometimes resolution seemed useless we’d get intimate with each other, but I don’t know if in a chemical sense it’s just reinforced that pattern of expectation?

There’s really nothing he can give me, but I just feel like my body is anticipating his return and it’s making me feel all kinds of things. And when I’ve been connecting the dots in my head, I wonder if this is why I’d sometimes freak out before we’d have sex, like I’d feel I’d want to but would break down when he touched me, like it creeped me out. I’m really not sure, because I certainly desired him more than those occasions of feeling incredibly vulnerable. I think I became really co-dependent, I’m very confused. I’ve downloaded a book on relationship advice and dynamics by Lundy Bancroft. It’s called Should I Stay or Should I Go? I know it’s over, but a lot of the things in the checklist really spoke to my situation.

[Healthyarchive]

Hi there, have a look at the words Trauma Bonding, there is a lot of discussion on it on here. This is what you have. Its horrible, a really strong physical feeling together with thoughts that just don’t make sense. Plus it can go on for months or longer. When I first split up & for the first 6 months after that I was heavily trauma bonded. I couldn’t function normally, my thoughts, every moment of my day and even my sleep were consumed by him, deeply craving & missing him, I would sit and just look at my phone so deeply sad to not hear from him. I felt like a massive hole existed in the middle of my body, i was empty inside, it was so acute and real, a huge empty space in my body. I want to let you know that as the time goes on these strong emotions lessen so much, i dont really think about him hardly at all anymore and the empty space in my body is no more. It is filled with mainly peace, calm, ok sleep and vision for me. I changed all of my contact details not too long ago, but before doing that I wasn’t ready to do that. I changed them all as I thought I might be weak if he did decide to delight me with acknowledgment. The Trauma Bonding is the deep yearning, craving and missing them. (Detail removed by Moderator) But if you do your research you will have so many ‘lightbulb’ moments where you recognize what has been happening. We DO get through it. X*X The key to getting through it is to maintain full NO CONTACT.

[phantasmagorical]

What you describe sounds so much like what I’m experiencing right now. This is the longest we’ve gone without speaking to each other for the past several years. It’s a very bottomless feeling. I’ve been waking up with a start and my heart pounding, then I reach for my phone, there’s nothing there. It’s so upsetting because I’ve been very open with him about the things that happened with my dad, all the lies and abandonment that went on there. He knows this behaviour is distressing to me.

I’ve pulled a few articles about trauma bonding that have been very useful. One of the writers describes the “arousal jag” when positive things are given, then taken away again and again. I find this would happen during times when I really needed his support. x

[Healthyarchive]

Yes i know about arousal jag, intermittent reinforcement, silent treatment, rose tinted specs. All emotional abuse tactics. There are some threads on here that might help you: They are called:
1. Can anybody give any examples of Gas Lighting?
2. Silent Treatment
3. Plausible Deniability
4. Intermittent Reinforcement
5. I miss him so much
6. Power & control

My ex was so good at getting me to open up and tell him all of my deepest darkest secrets and vulnerabilities. He told me nothing and I honestly felt that I never knew him as he was a master chamelion who would adapt himself to mirror whichever woman he was with at the time. He accessed deep into my soul, this probably is a lot to do with why I had such an emptyness. He said to me once’I can pick you up and I can put you down’. A veiled threat to keep me on my toes.

[phantasmagorical]

Thank you for those, I will look them up.
It makes sense why that feeling of emptiness would have been there. The constant giving, and getting nothing and no support in return. I can relate to that. I often felt that I did most of the emotional work in the relationship, very typical.

[Healthyarchive]

My ex dumped me & cut all contact 100%. It was devastating to me. Abandonment was a big issue for me & he knew that. It did not make logical sense to me though as before he dumped me, I had made my mind up to end it. I can’t remember if I actually told him at that point but he could tell from my words & body language that I had come to end of the road. I think he wanted to get in quick & seize the control by being the official dumper.I was devastated at what felt like being discarded. This was months ago now, I have moved on so much, we have no contact with each other any more, I don’t feel the pain that I felt before.

[phantasmagorical]

I think mine could tell as well; I’d really reached my limit. For the past while I’ve been so moody and withdrawn, and when I wasn’t feeling aggravated I was really down and weepy. I’ve barely experienced any “ups” in terms of happiness and contentment. I was holding out for that; I felt like when I moved over and I saw him again all the bad times would melt away. We both discussed this several times and how much better things would be.

When I try perceiving myself through his eyes, I just see this emotionally unstable, frazzled person. I’ve often thought, he’s in over his head because I’m so emotional and sensitive. That thought still creeps in. But I don’t know, I think he probably knew how his behaviour was affecting me. The question is whether he has consideration / care – he’s demonstrated none.

And I relate 100% about abandonment issues. If he didn’t want me / the relationship, why not just end it respectfully? Why do it in such a way as to offset deeply embedded fears of abandonment?? It baffles me, I don’t understand him.

[Healthyarchive]

When I was with my ex I acted in ways which were not my natural personality. I was always insecure, over compromising, suspicious & unhappy. These are not my default emotions. I was like that as I was trying to manage a close committed relationship which was unequal, unfair to me & not meeting my basic needs. I never feel those things now he is gone. I looked & felt tired, frazzled & ill all of the time. I found it were not possible to have mutual open & honest problem solving talks, he would shut down and not talk, & when he did he would lie or omit details.

[phantasmagorical]

I find the shutting down thing really distressing. A lot of the time towards the end, it’s like we were polar opposites. Me really upset about something and trying to fix the issue, him completely emotionally checked out, expressionless.

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