He builds my confidence then knocks it back down

[Put the kettle on]

I’m confused, my partner can be very supportive and praise me but then, I feel more often he’s putting me down. I can’t really give examples as they’ll probably get edited so it’s difficult to explain.

If I’m having a bad day he can be supportive, not always but often. But then when I have a concern within our relationship he just flips. I’m in no direct physical danger, indirect possibly. When I say I’m unhappy with anything to do with our relationship he looses it. We argue more and more and I get the blame. He blames my mental health.

I’m regularly put down about my looks. He says how pretty or thin others are

I feel like the arguing doesn’t get resolved unless I give in to him.  I feel I’m blamed a lot.

I get ignored for hours and hours or he is verbally aggressive for hours. It’s putting me on edge. It’s stopping me from voicing my concerns or worries

I feel there is minor controlling behaviours and I feel they’re escalating. Where we go, what we watch on tv. I feel he wants more and more of my time and attention. Comments on my clothes

He’s stopped doing the nice things he did at the beginning of the relationship

[Lisa]

Hi,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. What you described sounds really upsetting- that you are not free to express yourself- you are worried about how he will react and respond to you. That is about control as you end up walking on eggshells and adjusting your behaviour or routine to try and manage him.

Part of domestic abuse is chipping away at your self esteem and self worth. It makes you doubt yourself when he can be so supportive but this is also part of the abuse. The same person who is hurting you also becomes the person you want that validation from- this is about power and control for him.

Its never okay for your partner to put you down, verbally abuse you, control you and blame you for their behaviour. It is really confusing and its good you are reaching out on here.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[gettingtired]

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. My ex was very Jekyll and Hyde too and would almost be normal one day and then be cruel and nasty the following. I never knew which mood I was getting. He also sneakily chipped away at my self-esteem with sly comments about others, always making me question my worth. It’s awful that yours comments on how ‘pretty’ or ‘thin’ other people are, to make you feel bad about yourself. It takes time and energy but I think if you’re able to keep posting and getting support then you will realise that this is all very much a ‘him’ problem. My ex would ramble on and verbally abused me for hours on end to the point I didn’t even know or remember why or how it started. And I don’t even believe it made any sense it was all for him to try and make himself feel better whilst berating me. I used to listen to a lot of videos by (detail removed by Moderator) which I found really helped keep me in reality and remember that he was the problem, not me and that nothing I could do would change things. Ultimately that meant me leaving him (which I did – literally fled one day with my pet) and it’s the best thing I ever did. Please keep posting (if it’s safe to do so) and reaching out for support as you don’t have to live like this and life is so much better when you’re out

[Put the kettle on]

Thank you both for your replies.

Yes I am adjusting my behaviour to appease him, I don’t feel able to express my emotions anymore without him verbally lashing out on me or silent treatment. I feel unable to have a different opinion or disagree with him.

It’s awful getting disrespectful comments about my body whilst he’s complimenting other women. My weight has only increased very slightly since we first met so I don’t understand why my body is an issue now.

I can relate to your ex rambling on for hours, my partner does this and I’ll wonder what is he on about this has nothing to do with our original disagreement.

It feels like I get the blame for not understanding his needs, which are constantly changing

[Author]

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