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Things were going relatively well. He was trying to contact me but I was ignoring his messages same as usual like I had done. There was a maintenance issue in the house we both rent so I only communicated to him about that and said I would send him an email with all the details we need to sort out and stopped responding after that. I saw some of the messages coming in about how he was worried about me, wanted to know I was okay and would let me see the dog if I wanted to. I saw another message from him stating he would come to my work if I kept ignoring his messages.
I sent him an email (detail removed by moderator) regarding our joint bills/account and the steps we need to take to close these things. He replied straight away with this awful scathing reply that shocked me. It was all about disrespect and how I want behaving like an adult. He is refusing to speak about our joint responsibilities until I give him answers about why I left. I have said previously I wouldn’t reply to messages about our relationship because I wrote my feelings in a letter and quite frankly I have nothing else to say, I have said it all before.
He said (detail removed by moderator)
I spoke to my friends about it and my closest friend said that he had sent her a message asking her to get me to contact him. She didn’t reply.
He makes me feel sick. I just want to get the house stuff sorted and then i can say good riddance for good. I am so worried he wont pay his share of the rent and bills for the next 2 months and he is still in the house. I feel trapped at the minute and worried sick he is going to escalate it further.
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Hi Marmaladechamp you are still doing really well. I’m sorry he’s making things difficult for you. Can you speak to the letting agent and explain you’re separated and it’s just him living there now? You have your own place – you can’t be responsible for two places? Also the utilities? It’s worth a try to extricate yourself from him. Put something in writing to them to say you moved out on x date and providing proof. I don’t know if that will do anything but worth a try.
You have explained everything fully to him. You can’t say anything more. I do feel for you regarding your dog, that must be heartbreaking but as long as he is looking after her you don’t need to worry (easy to say I know – they are like our children).
It will be sorted soon, keep the faith and stay strong you are doing brilliantly xx
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Gosh they are so similar. Reminds me of the responses my ex would give me and I remember how awful I would feel after having contact with him.
I did it so many times when I was at the stage ur at ; making contact over one of our joint responsibilities and expecting him to be reasonable and help sort out the shared responsibilitity. But they never are. Now through the contact he’s got into your head; into your thoughts etc. This contact with him will set you back but if u resume No Contact u will start to feel better.
Could u get a third party (relative or friend) to email him instead of u and tell them not to tell you his response if he veers off topic of rent/bills/maintenance?
You’re doing great. And there’s no point wasting ur energy in giving him explanations on why I left etc. He knows anyway even if he pretends he doesn’t.
No is a complete sentence. You’ve said No to marrying him and having a future with him. He lost the right to any explanations from you the moment he chose to treat you badly and hurt you.
Keep posting for support
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He is not interested in being amicable or sorting things out with you. His sole purpose is to dump his anger onto you. To make you feel bad and to make himself feel big. This is what he will use contact for. Can you ask your friend to liaise on your behalf over the outstanding ties? Maybe by brief email. You have every right to refuse direct contact. Sort out what you can without him. Tell the utilities and landlord you’ve moved out.
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Utilities should be straightforward, as they generally can’t be in a joint name. If they are in his name you can forget about them, unless they are on your bank card. If they are on your bank card then call them and cancel the direct debit, and he can sort out his own payment system. If they are in your name cancel them and tell them you have moved out. He should get letters allowing him to set up his own account before they cut off his electric etc, so you don’t even have to inform him.
With the joint account, you may be able to get your name removed without his input, but if you can’t, then what you can get is a block put on the account so neither of you can take any money out until you have come to an agreement on how to proceed. This stops him running up debt in your name. And is unfortunately probably necessary.
And call your letting agent and let them know that you have moved out because of domestic abuse. Hopefully they will just be able to take you off the tenancy, but even if they don’t immediately then it will help your case as time goes on. My abuser tried to lump me with paying a two month notice period when he moved out of our joint rental by not informing me that he was moving out, then telling me that he was moving out and that he wouldn’t pay rent after he left because I hadn’t paid rent after I left and I hadn’t given notice. Bonkers, but fortunately as I had told the agency that I had left because of DV they told me that they could accept his move out date as the end of the contract even though I hadn’t signed the form for ending the contract that he had sent in. (As you can possibly tell the rental property was the hardest sort for me – but there will be solutions for that too). Start by sorting the easy stuff. He is going to act like a kid, and a pretty unpleasant kid at that. But you are a strong independent lady and can ignore his tantrums while you sort the bits you can do alone. And then you can involve professional third parties if anything is really difficult.
Probably also a good idea to do all the rest of the contact through a third party too, if you can.
Good luck with it all.
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Hiya,
Im sorry your having to deal with this. I was in a similar situation where we both rented and split bills but the bills were in my name. I rang the estate agents that dealt with our rental property. I explained that I had left the property due to domestic violence and that I was no longer a tenant due to safety. Fortunately, we had just paid that months rent so they allowed me to withdraw from the tenancy and asked for a email notice that I wished to end the tenancy on my behalf. Not surprisingly my ex didnt pay the rent when I left and trashed the property because he’s a feral idiot. The estate agents contacted me about my deposit and bond and said unfortunately I couldn’t get over 1900 back due to what he did. I then offered to clean the property to which the landlord agreed and I got my money back. Last I heard from the estate agents was they was chasing him for the rent he didn’t pay. Also with the bills they were in my name but try and contact your suppliers telling tjem of your situation and how you no longer live there. I was sent a hefty tax credits bill because my ex lied about his wages so we recieved too much. I paid off my half of the bill and explained again to another stranger what has happened and they too are still chasing him for his half. I hope what I’ve written makes sense X
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