17th February 2016 at 3:42 pm #9839lilbbysproutParticipant
I’m having a hard time right now and didn’t know who else to reach out to. I found out last night that my abuser (who I am no longer with) has a new girlfriend and before I could even begin to process anything I was feeling, I had a major panic attack and shut down. This girl is someone I know, who we used to spend time with at (detail removed by Moderator) events. Recently she added me on all of my social media accounts, and I didn’t think anything of it but now I feel triggered/unsafe like she was spying on me. I know that’s not true but I feel so unsafe with any connection to him.
My biggest feeling was fear, fear for her and disbelief. I feel so helpless, like I need to warn and half of me is tempted to. Do you think that’s a bad idea? He tried to kill me and I’m afraid he’ll do it someone else again. And then the other part of me I think is feeling angry…sad, that he’s moving on while he’s left me with so much. I don’t know, I really need help processing this. Was tormented with nightmares all night. So sad today.
17th February 2016 at 4:42 pm #9841Confused123Participant
Thats a tricky one , if u approach her she will prob not beleive u, if u on talking terms with her I would just say maybe he was abusive to me, its your choice if u listen or not but just wanted to warn u cause he tried to kill me , then its her choice. I know when i lived with my abuser and his brother she left his brother and all she said was hope it never gets bad as it was for me, i thought ill be ok, in fact thats exactly where i was wrong,people tend to stay quiet cause the other person not ready to listen and it sad but we just get accused of trying to split them up which is prob what would happen with u , his not going to give u the opportunity to talk with her, u could always message her if u said u connected via social media
17th February 2016 at 6:58 pm #9848Red1Participant
Yes that is tricky – back in the beginning, if someone warned us, would we have listened? Probably not but at least there may have been a little voice in the back of the mind when things went wrong.
I get on well with the ex girlfriend. I wish I’d been wiser when she told me things, but then she has minimised his behaviour too and still does- I only realise this now. He beat her when he caught her cheating. She says she understands why he was angry, yeah me too but no excuse for that. She has comforted me after he shouted at me for housework not being done when I was 8 months pregnant and said he was similar with her. Oh the many times I’ve asked myself why I stayed…
Point is, I would certainly warn anyone getting involved about what I know- but staying in touch may not be right for everyone. By all means send a message, and maybe end it by explaining why you feel the need to delete and block her as she is a point of contact with him and you want no contact for your own safety- advise her if she decides to stay to seek support and stay strong. Then go ahead and block her. It’s harsh but you’re also dealing with the moving on bit which won’t be helped if she replies back saying how nice he is 🙄 take care x
17th February 2016 at 11:48 pm #9862AyannaParticipant
Be aware that he might use her to spy on you.
Recently I read: the loyal one stays single until all wounds are healed, the abuser quickly moves to a new relationship.
There is truth in it.
18th February 2016 at 12:50 am #9864
Since being abused by my husband, I have become quite tough, harsh and selfish. I don’t want to be like this but it is a protective mechanism.
If I was in your situation, I would go strict “no contact”
1. Delete, block, remove communication from the source that you found out from. Right now your priority is to yourself and not to expose yourself in anyway to him or anything or anyone to do with him.
2. I would delete and block her from all social media accounts. In fact I would disappear off of social media all together.
3. I wouldn’t speak to her directly or indirectly at all.
4. Your feelings are valid but there is absolutely no reason to act on those feelings that would expose yourself to more harm.
5. If you desperately can’t shake the feeling that he may harm someone else then report it to the police. They can often contact a potential victim and have a discreet chat with them and also there is Claire’s Law.
18th February 2016 at 12:58 am #9865
Here is a link to no contact rule after abuse.
(detail removed by Moderator)
Protect yourself more now than ever.
18th February 2016 at 1:04 am #9866
and another one
(detail removed by Moderator)
18th February 2016 at 9:49 am #9877SadandconfusedParticipant
I agree keep well out of it.
My abuser used to s**g off his ex and mother of his other child she was useless a bad parent you name it. Until I was in her shoes I had no idea what I was dealing with.
To start with we all know that they are charming. If I was you I would block the lot and don’t get involved at all or let him drag you into it.
21st February 2016 at 12:31 am #10074SilkyHalideParticipant
I’ve just had a panic too. I’m sure my exs new lady is someone he already knew. Just from what he’s said. I told myself I wasn’t bothered but it’s suddenly dawned on me who is a possibility and its scared me. If I’m right she is such a lovely girl I am going to find it so hard if it’s her. If it’s someone I don’t know and no connection to I think I’m fine. If it is her I’m sure she’ll be no trouble to me but what if he does to her mind what he’s done to mine.
I know I can’t do anything as I can’t back anything with evidence and she wouldn’t believe me, he will have already discredited me to her,and I won’t get involved for my own sanity but it’s going to hack away at me all the same.
Sorry Lilbby I’m not trying to hijack your post just suddenly seem to have similar dilemma.
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