He has finally gone

[Apricotpoppy]

He has finally gone. I feel very uneasy, not dancing like I imagined.
It was awful, first he said he has no money to give us for food, then he was stomping around accusing me of accessing his social media.
This frightened me as he was accusing me like this before the last time he attacked me and tried to strangle me. Which led me to leave with the kids. Before this he accused me endlessly of sleeping with other men.
He didn’t say goodbye to me just gave me the keys when I asked.
I just sat there with my phone hoping he would go quickly. The kids said goodbye.

I do not recommend separating and living with the abuser.
This last part has been very stressful and I got sick and got PTSD.
It affected my mind and body, even though I repeatedly told myself ‘he will not ruin me’ I went from being a top student to struggling. Crying all the time and couldn’t read, write or think properly. Overwhelmed by flashbacks of things between us I had forgotten, and I was scared.
I was ashamed but I told my lecturer through floods of tears, and she was amazing and supportive.
I did pass, and have got a better job to support me and my children. Hopefully I can manage working.

Even though I don’t like to take medication I saw my GP and reluctantly started taking antidepressants.
I feel they sorted out the chemical imbalance in my brain that all those years of the crazy abuse created.
The crying every day stopped, the flashbacks have slowed down, I can concentrate, breathe through fear.
When I am walking I can smile at simple beauty again like big yellow sunflowers in a front garden.
I am on the waiting list for counselling and thanks to the posts on here I knew to ask for trauma counselling.

What I discovered was very painful. When you separate and stop sleeping with them you are not free, the abuse will change and become unrelenting in other ways, and you don’t even have the so called good times anymore.
The man you fell in love with will look at you with contempt if not hate, ignore you while you achieve the impossible, lie about you and try to ruin you financially, and not care that you and his children are one step away from homelessness and hunger. Then he will tell you his problems and come on to you.

I posted on here when I was desperate and was rightly ecouraged to report and leave. But I left it too late and ran out of money due to increasing financial abuse so I couldn’t get a flat, so we stayed with friends when it got bad
My kids have been affected. We ended up isolated. They haven’t seen the physical but they absorbed some of the behaviours of placating and pleasing, attitude and aggression.
It would break my heart if they were to become abusers or be abused, and I need to find them proper help.

This has turned into a long post , I guess I am pretty shaken up thinking what the …. am I doing ? am a bit scared about what is going to happen next.
Am triple locking, and thinking what to cook with not much for these big growing kids.

[KIP.]

Wow you are amazing! To have achieved what you did with PTSD and the weight of an abuser is nothing short of a miracle and shows your utter strength. Going forward please protect yourself with a non molestation order if he dares to contact you again. Block all means of communication. You cannot co parent with an abuser and every word you say is true. Change the locks. Tell the neighbours and ring the police if he turns up. It’s your life now and he’s never going to be welcome again. He’s very very dangerous and always will be so don’t ever left him back in. What a tower of strength you truly are. Inspirational x what an articulate and moving post. Thank you for sharing x

[Apricotpoppy]

Thank you so much KIP. It is only because of the amazing support I got once I reached out that I could do this, and even then I almost crumbled.
KIP I am grateful to you and the other women on here. You help us who are trying to escape to be strong and show us what danger we are in, show us what we can do, show us firm boundaries.
Wow it did not occur to me that I don’t have to ever see him again ! But when I think about it you are right especially as the kids are a bit older. I have to somehow let go in my mind and break the bonds completely. I never reported him within the ten days and don’t have evidence so I found out I couldn’t get an injunction or non-mol but I will call the police if he ever does anything.
Thanks again xx

[dustypink]

Apricotpoppy
Thank you so much for this post!
This is exactly where I am – for the second time already, first time was almost a year ago, and I gave up. But not this time, I am fighting. He is showing himself now who he is – and i am scared sometimes, i don’t know this man! How could i marry him and have kids with him and think, that he is kind and responsible? I was soooo wrong.
I am tired, I am stressed, I am scared.
I am happy to read that someone is a step forward, this give me hope!
x

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Dusty Pink, thanks for your post . I read your thread. You sound very strong and doing so well but I am worried that you and your kids are in a dangerous situation. He is also emotionally abusing them and making them cry. Please keep you and your precious kids safe, and your dear Mum. My ex was in control too but when he attacked I had no warning it happened so fast . Do you have a DA support worker who can be there to help you plan safely, and give you emotional support ?

It is very painful and hard to process when you realise this so called amazing man has such a nasty side and they will never change. I did the online freedom program, it opens your eyes to all the abusive patterns and helps you recognise the red flags so you can get out quick. Lundy Bancroft goes into it more.
Anyway, the main thing is we know now and we have to get ourselves and the kids away from the abuse. It made me so angry too when he made them cry and did that ‘goodbye, sorry Mummy wants me to leave’ scenario. Yes I had that too !

Try to look after yourself very well . I pushed myself like superwoman for too long and got sick. Once you are away from the toxic environment and constant stress it will be easier.
Take care Dusty Pink, you can do it, all of us and our precious children deserve a peaceful happy life x*x

[Twisted Sister]

You are amazing. What you have achieved is huge! Keep safe all of you.

You need to contact someone urgently to get a food bank voucher, all those mouths to feed, right now you could do with a shopping boost. They will ask how many children and ages to find suitable stuff for them.

You will be able to relax a bit more knowinbyou have some supplies in, and they often have little treat stuff too, some cake or biscuits or a bit of chocolate to cheer you up.

Keep going, step by step, this is an awesome thread hearing what woman have done against all the odds stacked against them.

Warmest wishes ts

[Twisted Sister]

There is safety help to secure your property from a scheme called sanctuary, locks/chains/camera/lighting/blanking letter-box, and so on. It’s worth it for peace of mind, they are unpredictable and volatile, you are scared for good reason. Have you advised the police of this? They need to have this flagged as a current situation, and flag your address in case you have to call in emergency.

Give them a call on 101. Be safe.

Warmest wishes ts

[Apricotpoppy]

Thanks for your advice Twisted Sister.
I will find out about getting more security. Honestly now I don’t know if I should worry or not. I guess I should just be safe. He came to get the last of his stuff and was being quite mild and reasonable and wanted to stay and see the kids. Actually somehow I felt sorry for him and ended up giving him some household stuff he didn’t have. So annoying, I went from feeling a bit scared and thinking about no contact like KIP said to giving him stuff.
The great thing is although the kids were pretty rude and horrible when he left they have settled and we have had a lovely chilled out couple of evenings having tea , chatting and laughing. It is so nice.

[Twisted Sister]

Ah that’s so great to hear!!! How wonderful.

I did the same, gave away stuff to him, felt sorry for him, but had to keep thinking how sorry was he for me and us, through all the abuses. I just read back some old text convo’s. I was trying so hard to explaiexplai, and heout in barely any effort just saying poor him and he didn’t remember it like that and surely he hadn’t done x, would never do again, but did. Promised not to drink around the house any more, but did. Claimed to understand and apologise one min then deny anything happened the next.

All bluster and confusion. Of his doing, remember how much you tried to understand, forgive, and be kind, and what he still did. You enjoy your times with your kids you all deserve the break. So wonderful to hear

Warmest wishes ts

[Twisted Sister]

Just make sure he can’t come back in, its not reasonable now you are separated, but its one he’d likely to disrespect deliberately. Hold your boundaries,you don’t even have to answer the door to him now if you don’t want to, and he couldn’t just turn up and expect to see you anyway. Only good friends get that privilege, and he’s not a good friend, he’s your enemy and keep him out for good!

I am betting this is not the end, so do tighten your security and take reasonable steps to keep you all safe. I think it’s very rare for thereto be nothing, no further abuse, in fact the opposite. He’s probably expecting/hoping u will take pity.

Stay strong

Warmest wishes ts

[Apricotpoppy]

Thanks Twisted Sister you are so right.
I woke up to a threatening text message (detail removed by moderator) ? So scared and crying and triggered am trying to breathe through it. He never texts like that because he always told me texts are evidence. I think I will have go to police and discuss. I have never talked to them. We were feeling so peaceful for those few days. am so upset. I had to pull myself together to get the kids off, and now I have to go to work.

[KIP.]

Do not ever ever let this man in your home again. This is how women are badly hurt or murdered. We minimise their behaviour and think they will change but they never do. He has shown you his true colours, believe him. There was a recent post on here where after a year of reasonably amicable separation he was in her home and beat her badly again. These men never ever change. You’re still very very vulnerable. Read your own post back and ask yourself why you would allow him back in your home. He could just as easily decide not to leave again. You worked hard to get here. You’re not thinking straight. Please don’t go backwards. Speak to a solicitor and get legal access in place. Zero contact x contact women’s aid for support. At this stage I was totally brainwashed and confused and vulnerable. It was his bail conditions , police and courts that it took to keep us apart so I know how hard it is x

[Apricotpoppy]

Thank you KIP.I am distraught.all the pain. I thought it was over. that he would not be like the others.especially when he came around and was ok.

[Lisa]

Hi Apricotpoppy,

I’m so sorry to read what’s happened and that you’ve been reminded of the extent of his abusive choices and actions. Sadly we know that abusers often increase their abuse or change the way they do it around the time of separation. You’ve had good advice above around prioritising your safety and stopping contact. If you feel able to go to the police you can ask them to have an alert on your property.

Remind yourself how far you have come, you will ups and downs but you are undoubtedly incredibly strong and have learnt effective coping mechanisms. I hope you manage to have some more positive moments soon, like those you mention at the beginning of this post.

Keep posting when you can,

Lisa

[KIP.]

I’m so sorry you’re distraught. I’ve been where you are. It’s beyond devastating to realise that someone you love and you thought loved you in return has actually been abusing you. It’s not much comfort at the moment but I promise things will get better. You were great before him and will be even better after he is zero contact. It’s all mind blowing mental and emotional abuse. Brainwashing and programming but ask yourself what advice you would gave your best friend. Be kind to yourself, you’ve been traumatised and abused and you need time to heal. Stay safe x

[JaneEyre]

Needed to read all that. So thank you all for sharing. Had so much going on since he left, ended up stopping the no contact and regret it again. 😞
I need to stick to it for good this time. Just sets me back and I can 100% see that he has not changed one bit since we split.
He’s still trying to control and manipulate me.
These men are dangerous.
Why are there so many of them??
Single forever for me 👍🏻
JaneEyre xx

[Apricotpoppy]

Thanks for your kind replies and advice Lisa and KIP. Sorry you got pulled back in Jane Eyre. No contact forever when you have kids is hard to imagine but it looks like the best way.
I thought I was seeing through all the manipulation. I had some wise advice on here about no contact but really thought we were entering a more reasonable stage because he had moved out and was being nice.
So that threatening text was a shock, and plunged me into a bad space.
Am pulling myself together. Rang 101 and asked to speak to a d.a. trained officer. This is a big thing for me because of fear and conditioning about the police.The operator was very helpful and booked a home visit. Also am at the top of the counselling waiting list which is good timing.
I told the kids not to let anyone including Dad in without asking me. They were a bit taken aback but accepted it.
I thought he’s not taking anymore time away from me and my kids with his stupid drama. So we cuddled up and watched some funny clips and had a good time, they were so happy because I laughed with them.x*x

[Twisted Sister]

That’s really good making sure the children are on board with it. They need to stay away from windows and doors if he comes near as its too hard for them to hold strongif he starts the emotional blackmail, they should be phoning 999. There needs to be a chain on the door so its always locked until yu know who it is.

You have done the right thing and I hope you will get all the support you need from hereonin.

He must never get back inside your house for the safety of your children and you.

Now that you are separated he has no right of entry, you are no longer a couple and the longer break you can have from him now the better to get your head back.

It’s amazing that you’ve done this! Truly amazing, keep at it love, there are may more happy times ahead for you and yours without him in your lives.

Warmest wishes ts

[dustypink]

Apricotpoppy
I have just read your response, thank you very much for your words and support!
I wish you to stay strong too!
I also think that going no contact is the best way, for yourself first of all. These men are unpredictible.

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