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It’s taking all my strength today to not cave.
He has finally hit rock bottom, and I could see it coming.
I can’t post what’s happened as it will get moderated.
He video called me and he looked terrible.
I think he did that on purpose so that I would feel bad for him?
He’s blaming me of course, for this incident.
It’s my fault because of all I’ve put him though.
I know this isn’t true of course but I’m fearful for the future now.
I think he will escalate again now.
I still have to have contact with him for the kids.
I am going to get something official sorted out. -
Footballfan1 well done for not caving in. It’s sounds like he has tried to pull out all the stops and manipulate you back into his sphere of control. He video called you so that you could see how terrible he looked. His choices are HIS choices. They are not your responsibility. He is trying to activate the positive traits of your character (kindness and empathy) so that you go back to him. It sounds like a nightmare but stand strong and don’t let him wriggle his way back in. You are in a battle for your own soul here. We are all right behind you x
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Hi Alicenotichains,
Thanks for your support.
I’m not backing down but it’s so hard.
I kept crying last night, the kids were with him so I was alone.
I was researching the trauma bond cycle and the hormones involved, you literally become addicted.
We were together from when we were children so I’m finding it so hard, I’ve never known anything different.
I realise I am OK to treat this as a bereavement, as though someone as died.
It literally feels like grief for the death of a loved 1.
My mum said yesterday that she was talking to another family member and they both can’t understand why I am letting him control me still, and it’s controlling my mum now too.
I felt a bit hurt because I’m trying my best and I’m not letting him control my life, it’s the lack of routine with the kids that’s causing the control if that makes sense.
I have written a log of events and just finished it this morning.
I feel more confident putting my boundaries into place now.
I feel I’ve got evidence to prove that the routine is too unpredictable.
He will escalate again when I put my boundaries in place, because they involve the kids. -
This is an incredibly difficult time for you Footballfan1 and yes, he video called you to act out his role of broken victim…. YOU were his victim and that is what he wants back, you there with him so he can continue to punish you, he hasn’t been abused by you, you have said no and he is doing what all these abusive men do by trying emotionally manipulate his way back in (this time by video calling you).
You were with him for so many years, you know him… use that, I was with mine for 20+ years, yes it is like grief, i have been out over a year, only since zero contact (along with courses) have I started to heal and to get to know myself as the woman I now am.
The family member who asked why you remained in such a controlling relationship…. that’s victim blaming and sadly society does tend to use these comments (why stay if he treated you so bad, why didn’t you walk away, blame de blah blah blame). That’s why this forum is a life saver as we all understand how it feels. When my ex told me he was suicidal I felt sick to my stomach with worry and guilt, then he said it again and it had been explained to me that it was a tactic, I rang the police and asked them to do a welfare check on ny ex as he was suicidal… he was fine after they saw him, he never used that one again… plenty of other attempts to try and get me back! Do not cave, the video he sent was a ploy, nothing more than a game to him.
Keep trusting your gut Footballfan1, do not trust a word he says to you and if possible aim to go zero contact once you have support from WA. Also, email your local Citizens Advice Bureau outlining the abuse, control, coercion, gaslighting and your fears… I found my local CAB really helpful as well as my female GP. Anyone who you involve needs to be DA trained or have experience with DA/DV.
The more boundaries you put in place the more he will escalate, you need support in place, a safe exit plan, legal advice (Rights for Women are free and great for legal advice, I couldn’t get through to them so I got free 30 mjn legal advice from a couple of solicitors experienced with DA).
Keep posting ❤️ big hugs 🤗
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Thanks Hereforhelp,
Reading your experience made me feel so sad for you
I’m glad you are healing.
I’m prepared for this to take years to heal from.
I’m in a position at least that I am aware of his tactics and I’m not falling for them anymore.
I will take your advice and speak to someone to help me get 0 contact.
I will look for the support I need.
I thought I could do this on my own, but I’m realising that ultimately, he is dangerous and it’s way above my head.
We have kids and finances to sort out, I know we can’t do this amicably.
I’m off somewhere nice for the afternoon now, it’s been planned for a few weeks and I’ve been looking forward to it. X -
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Thanks for all your posts guys,
It has helped me though the last couple of days and I’m back to where I need to be mentally.I was thinking, from the age we were together and 20 plus year relationship,I realised I’ve been acting like a mother to him from the very beginning.
He told me all about his terrible upbringing, I felt sorry for him, I mothered him and gave him what I thought he needed.
All through our adult life, I have organised all the bills, the car, the mortgage, he has never done any of it.
I realise that the reason I found it so hard to let go is because it’s almost like a mother son relationship.
How many mothers are able to let go of their abusive sons?
I’m guessing next to 0.
I know now I am not his mother, we have our children to be parents to.
He is not another child for me to look after and care for.
He is responsible for his own actions and choices.
Thank you guys for helping me realise this.
It is an important moment of understanding for me. Xx -
Footballfan1 that’s a good description and so apt!
My husband was also a child, my parents commented when they first got to know him how childish he could be.I also arranged everything at home, holidays (I paid for it as well).
They are all so similar! it helped me realise that mine wasn’t special, all he did to me was sadly all too common.
What you are listing of his behaviours are all abuse. Yes they have their ‘nice tjmes’ which is why we tend to stay far too long.
Life is calmer without them, children happier.. keep pushing forwards ❤️
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You’re having some really positive realisations, well done, it’s an empowering time. It really helps to keep learning about abuse and more and more lightbulbs go on.
Your posts are very similar to experiences I’ve had, even this week I’ve had messages about him feeling low but you have to not bite. Which is so hard but this also gives time and that helps you to see how he’s just fine very quickly (and he’s realised that trick doesn’t work).
Like an addiction you’ll get cravings. Not sure how old your kids are but seeing him to drop off/pick up unfortunately keeps the trauma bonding going longer than no contact. It’s those days I struggle the most. You’ll have times of strength and multiple epiphanies and then just when you least expect it, pop here come the times of sadness again so make sure to keep looking after yourself, remind yourself it’ll pass and remembering all you’ve learnt. Keeping a journal is a really good step and yup you’re right they are like another child! Mine still asks me to sort things out now – no, ask you’re new gf haha 🙂
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