He has left-feeling devastated

[Sungirl]

So he finally left, we talk last night, he got angry but agreed to leave this morning. Then annoying popped back with biscuits and hay fever meds(!). On one hand I feel so relieved but on the other the kids are really upset, particularly my middle one. She cried for about an hour. My (detail removed by moderator) said it’s because of lockdown and we’re all stressed, and he’ll
Come back once lockdown is over. I don’t know what to say to them. I was open and said we have separated, we both still love them and they can see Dad whenever and we’ll sort out a routine. Explained that we haven’t been getting on and that I’m unhappy about the way he treats us. I feel so angry with him as well as now I have to deal with all of this, my feelings and theirs. Part of me feels like I miss him already, I want him to come back and fix it all. But I have to remember this won’t happen. I contacted Solace who are going to refer me for some support as I don’t know how to manage all this! Im
A bit scared as well that it was so easy and that at some point he’ll get angry and come back.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there and welcome to the forum. Yes it never fails to amaze me how easy some of this relationship is,BUT it’s only because it suits him. It’ll be hard, it’s very like withdrawal symptoms and yes, short term contact with him will calm you, but again it’s only short term, he’ll soon revert back to type. Abusers do do nice things for us, that’s how we stay that bit longer, how we’re ever hopeful he’ll be that man we fell in love with. Total Jekyll and Hyde. Look up trauma bonding, when we fall in love chemicals are released, the same as when we have our babies, to help us bond,BUT those same chemicals are released when we’re in danger, fight/flight/freeze mode. So when ther one person
is the cause of the same chemicals being released, its no wonder we’re constantly confused. He will blame anything except accept his behaviour in all this. Living with the dominator by pat Craven is a really good book to gain knowledge as is Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft, who’s also written when daddy hits mummy. Its to help explain to our children. All too often we dont know how to,want to protect our children. Its not though, it’s letting them see it’s okay to stay with someone who treats you like this, if you could glimpse their adult self, you’d move heaven and earth to help them. My children are adults now but stuck in the teenage years emotionally. Children cant problem solve the way adults do, they want something fixed now, want the pain to stop now, with age comes emotional maturity, something that doesn’t happen till mid20’s I believe.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi sorry my phone went when I was typing and I didn’t want to lose what I’d written so i sent it before I could sign off.
Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power as they say.
IWMB 💞💞

[KIP.]

Please contact your local women’s aid for support. It hasn’t gone for long and there’s nothing to prevent him moving right back in meaning you and the kids will have to leave. Grab this opportunity. Speak to women’s aid about an occupation order to prevent this happening. The painful bit of telling the kids is over, you’ve told the kids and now they need a routine. However he will simple override anything you say and do his own thing which will make matters worse for the kids. He won’t care how they suffer as he’ll be using them to control you. Women’s aid can guide you on the next steps but in my experience he going nowhere for long. Too many women have got to this stage only for their abuser to walk back in and they have had to flee so get something legal in place ASAP. Lean on women’s aid. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline too x

[Sungirl]

Ok thanks I will ring Women’s Aid, have done a few times but can never get to speak to someone. I could leave a message now with a time of when they can call me back

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