He has met someone else

[Anonymous]

Having a bad day.

My abusive ex has met someone else and I have so many emotions. I’m so angry and upset. I spent years of my life getting beaten up and a year afterwards getting counselling to recover from the relationship when I was finally out of it.

I now find out he has met someone else and I feel sick! I was so in love with him. And now I feel he has happily moved on and met someone else. Maybe he will be kind to her and treat her well. Why couldn’t he do that to me? I was so good to him. I feel awful about this. I’m here alone and probably will never meet anyone 🙁

Sorry I’m ranting. Any advice on how to cope with this.

[KIP.]

Hi there. What you’re feeling is normal for us abuse survivors. He’s the same abuser he was with you and with his previous partners too. Did you every report him to the police or use Claire’s Law to find out if he had a history of abuse? It’s not too late to report his abuse and have it recorded for when other victims come forward. These men get worse in each relationship. As for your feelings, this is why abusive men bring another woman into the relationship. It’s called triangulation and is a tactic they use to make us jealous and doubt ourselves. Even when we have dumped them. So these feelings come from your last, from him probably threatening to find someone else or compare you to a past girlfriend or make you feel undeserving of love. You did the right thing by taking time to heal. These men move on from victim to victim because they’re incapable of forming any kind of deep bond. It’s all about power and control. So let these emotions wash over you. Feel them but bring yourself into the present using mindfulness. Looking back will bring anxiety and looking forward there’s nothing we know for certain but in this moment you can do some mindfulness breathing or grounding exercises. He’s still the same pathetic coward that abuses women. You have the power now. The power to keep him out your life and report his abuse If you choose to. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

[Anonymous]

Hi KIP

Thanks so much for your reply. I haven’t reported him as I thought it was too late but that’s good to know it’s not! I will definitely report him.

It is reassuring to know that these are normal feelings. I still can’t get over it. But wow! you’re absolutely right with what what you said. He always compared me to beautiful past girlfriends and said how hideous I was.

Thanks so much for your helpful advice. I’m so much happier now x

[gettingtired]

Hey, I can’t give you any better advice than what Kip has said but it’s so true that his next girlfriend will get the same treatment as you did, if not worse. In fact, I’ve read that abusers can get worse with each relationship they have as they learn more ways to control and manipulate.
He will be using the same love bombing tactics he probably used with you at the start to hook her in. Then sadly she’ll be another victim. Kip’s right you could still report his abuse.
Hope you’re ok xx

[Anonymous]

Hiya. Thank you so much for your reply. Xx

[Hetty]

My ex abused me and his partner before me and the one before that. This I know as fact. They don’t change. His new partner won’t experience anything different to what you did. This is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He is the same abuser.
It’s going to hurt for a while no doubt but you’re really well rid.
I’m dreading this moment too. If I were to bump into my ex with another woman. Then I remember all the awful things he did to me. This isn’t about an incompatible relationship that sadly comes to an end. This is is walking away from abuse. Big hugs x*x

[Anonymous]

Hi Hetty. Thanks much for your reply. You’re so right he will never change and I’m so much happier without him. Thank you.

[Empoweredhealing]

Unfortunately, I was the “next partner” that my ex abuser met after his long term relationship ended. I had no idea that he was abusive. But I found out very very quickly.
Your ex’s new partner will experience the same abuse as you did. I dumped mine when he started devaluing, disrespecting and gaslighting.
Your ex’s new partner is in great danger. I can only hope that every woman who enters an abusive relationship recognizes it quickly and leave. We all deserve so much compassion for each other, old and new partners alike.

[Anonymous]

Hi. You’re absolutely right. It is worrying and hope his new partner quickly realises and gets out.thanks so much for your reply. X

[Camel]

I used to occasionally snoop on facebook to see what my ex was up to. I’m talking every couple of years. I’m not sure what I hoped to find but I noticed he only ever updated if he had a new woman. I remember feeling such relief that none of them ever stuck around. He makes out he’s the life and soul of the party when actually he’s an ageing drunk who doesn’t know when he’s had enough. I was never jealous of his new women, only concerned for them. I’m glad they seem to have had more common sense than I did.

[Author]

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