He has no idea

[Meringue]

I’m getting ready to go and my emotions are all over the place. I’m so anxious – waking up shaking with my heart racing. Feeling sad, grieving for what I once thought we had. And feeling so guilty because I’m effectively lying all the time. He’s making plans and I’m letting him, knowing that I won’t be there. I think my head will explode and my heart will shatter with the stress of it. I’m really struggling with he dishonesty, not just that he doesn’t know what I’m planning. He’s been sending friendly text messages with kisses and I can’t bring myself to reply. I’m realising I’ve spent so long trying to keep him happy; saying and texting loving words because I thought it might help. If he ever said anything kind or behaved tenderly towards me I would think “maybe he does care after all” and I would send nice texts. I just can’t get my head around everything that’s going on. I know I’m doing he right thing by going but I’m doubting myself. Doubting everything. Is it wrong that he has absolutely no idea? I feel as though he’ll think I’ve been leading him on. It’s not that I didn’t believe what I was saying. I believe both things at once… it’s such a mess. I’m sue a mess.

[Lightness]

Well done Meringue
Your feelings are entirely normal.
The guilt is hard but in time you will realise you have nothing to feel guilty for. You will realise that you have rights and that you are not his property. How dare he control you and make you feel like the guilty one.
You are thinking back to what you both had but in time you will realise it was an illusion and a trap he created to manipulate you. How dare he do that to you.
It is essential that you continue your plan without him knowing. It is very hard, I know, but your responsibility us for you, not him. He deserves nothing from you.
Re the texts – be careful not to do anything different to normal. If he suggests joint plans for the future – go along with it. It is SO hard to deceive them but you must protect yourself. They are very intuitive. I tried so hard to act normally but my one seemed to know something was different because the abuse really escalated once I had my escape plan.
Your escape plan is for your safety which is the most important thing in all of this.
Believing both things at once is called cognitive dissonance – Google that plus trauma bond.
We are right behind you x

[Meringue]

Thank you both. It’s so helpful having names for the emotions I’m feeling and knowing that this is normal. I’ve been feeling that I might actually be going crazy… It’s odd though, I do feel strong too. I’m so grateful for this forum and constantly bowled over by the power and strength of you all, and the wisdom I find here.

[Lightness]

Don’t worry, you won’t go crazy. Most likely you are very overwhelmed now you have started to remove the blinkers.

. You might want to Google FOG – fear obligation guilt.

You can do this x

[Ruby2shoes]

Thank you from me too. I will
Also google this knowledge is power! I had a really good heart to heart with my parents today Who are incredibly supportive. I still couldn’t tell them about the debt but it was interesting as they’ve thought for years he controlled me in fact they said they’ve wanted to say things on many occasions due to the way he speaks to me but have bit their lip for fear of repercussions for me!
The debt issue and my daughter continue to hold me back for now while I continue to gather and arm myself with as much information as possible. I too am
Trying to act normal for now. Good luck keep me posted x

[Pearlescent]

Hi Meringue, you are bound to be having doubts – everyone always has doubts when making such a huge decision. As you said, you know you are doing the right thing – those nagging doubts and feelings of guilt are just those insecurities that have built up over time trying to have a voice. Keep encouraging yourself by reminding yourself of the reasons why you are doing this. Try not to think about his feelings (which I know is hard as you are used to putting his needs and feelings before your own) – you must put yourself first. Do be careful though as this is a very stressful time for you and you must concentrate on your own safety.
You can and will do this and as hard as it seems now it will be worth it.

[maddog]

I could have written your post, meringue!It is us who have been deceived, not the other way round.
I have given up telling my husband what I am doing. He will only use the information against me, whatever it is.

[Anabela]

I just want to show some support as this is what i have been going through for some time. I had my plan to leave for good but I knew that I can’t tell him for my own safety. So I lied and lied and lied. And I felt anxious, and guilty and awful. But I don’t think I should have been honest. Even if he blames me a lot for keeping those secrets and for the lies… And i still feel awful but I keep reminding to myself that my lies were justified.
When I wanted to leave before and told him I am not moving in with him face to face, he assaulted me and I thought he was gonna kill me. But he convinced me to come back. But once I made up my mind again, i realized I just can’t tell him the truth even if he swore he would never be violent again…. And I thought he is kind of honestly sorry but my own safety is too much to risk….
It’s awful to lie. it makes you feel awful. But he has done enough damage to you already so you cannot be honest for the sake of your safety both physical and mental.

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