He has stopped, but I still want to leave. Reactive abuse?

[Malachite]

cw: brief mention of sexual abuse

I feel kind of fake going on here because my situation is no where near as bad as anything else on here and I’m not even sure if I’m in the right place. So if offend anyone, I’m truely sorry.

Basically my boyfriend has *probably* been abusive in the past. He has pressured me into sex (and foreplay/kissing) repeatedly (which emotionally I felt just as bad during it as when my ex physically forced it on me – so to me it felt like rape). He also used to be super critical when our child was v young of purchases and decisions etc. There have also been questionable events that I won’t go into here as they are quite specific and/or they may not have been repetitive enough to class as abuse. Basically he did enough to distract me from work and not be the best parent I could me, imo.

The other problem is that he’s quite manipulative when I want to break up with him (doesn’t threaten suicide but will find something else that’ll make me feel like I can’t break it off) . Also, he seemed to pick me out because I was mentally unwell (maybe I’m just paranoid) – like I became completely dependant on him for emotional support, but said I wasn’t interested in sex because of previous abuse and probably just low sex drive for various reasons, yet he was still interested despite having a healthy sex drive himself. There were also a few red flags at the start: e.g. I said that I had trouble saying no to people (can’t remember context, I assume I meant generally), and he called me a sl*t. He meant it as a joke, I’m sure, but I was a bit taken aback because I was sharing one of my problems and he responded like that.

Anyway, last time I broke up with him (or tried) I built up the courage to tell him why: pressuring me into sex + being critical (I also said that I didnt fancy him anymore so you’d think he’d accept that). He said he felt like a rapist and that he’d try to get better, but he wanted full custody. Obviously I didn’t want to lose my child, but started to look for somewhere to live. However he didn’t want me to tell people that we’d broken up (I wanted to live in a shared house with enough space for child to stay at weekends so not easy if you can’t tell many people) and he wanted one last holiday first. Anyway… we somehow went from broken up to together, probably my fault because I didn’t want to lose kid. He’d told her I was going to live somewhere else because I didn’t love him anymore. Not exactly the best opener for explaining a break up to a young child.

Since then he’s been almost perfect, like he’s nagging for sex and I’ve given in, but he will take no for an answer without extreme guilt tripping etc. And there’s barely any critism so I don’t really feel guilty for spending money or whatever. But there’s still this feeling of “walking on eggshells” leftover and I’m super defensive. Now I feel like I’m the abuser because I’ll feel like he’s about to critise me and I’ll shout at him or I’m constantly withdrawing affection because I don’t love him anymore. I feel weird that he’s changed so easily – he was in control this entire time and it’s my fault for not standing up for myself earlier. For anyone who’s about to suggest this is honeymoon period and it’s going to get bad again or worse, it’s been a long time since the almost-break-up, it seems he’s actually learned his lesson to some degree.

Anyway… that was long. I just want to break up. But he’s got a v full on job now so I’m scared of how he’ll react (what if he quits his job or starts drinking a lot again?) and when the best time is. He might want full custody if he quits his job. He might be manipulative again. I don’t want to ruin his life, but I don’t want to live with him anymore either. I can’t go into specifics here, but I’m worried it’s not bad enough to call women’s aid, I’ll be wasting their time (also if I’m the abusive one then I should probably be calling somewhere else). I’m also sorry if my situation is completely innappropriate for the forum and I’m sorry that my sitation sounds wonderful to everyone else waiting for their partner to be nice again, but he makes my skin crawl and in some ways reminds me of my much worse ex.

Do you think it’s right to call WA for advice or should I not take up valuable resources and deal with it myself? I just want the best way to end it for my situation – I appear to be too weak to actually do anything and there’s specific details I can’t say on here. I don’t need a refuge obviously, I just need someone to talk to and advice.

I was going to put this in the “getting out” section because that’s what I want to do, but it’s not really on topic enough… Did anyone else find themselves in this sitation or similar and manage to leave?

[SunshineRainflower]

You would 100% not be wasting Women’s Aid’s time if you called them and you are 100% not the abuser. He is very clearly manipulating and guilt tripping you. You are only with him because he threatened to take your child away, that is very abusive emotional blackmail. Definitely give them a call, the resources are there for you just as much as anyone else (and funnily enough I think everyone feels the same, I felt really silly ringing them about my ‘lovely boyfriend’ too but they were great and incredibly helpful and told me I was in danger which seemed ludicrous at the time but now makes sense). With abuse we often don’t realise it is happening (FOG) and the abusers condition us to blame ourselves for everything so it’s a very common reaction to think it’s your fault when it isn’t at all.

It is terrible that he has threatened to apply for full custody like that to get you to stay, definitely get some help with this because it is abuse and is not right. He has no right to threaten you with that. Abusers are often indifferent towards their children but will use them to control and hurt their partners.

If you left you wouldn’t ruin his life, he will be fine and is not your responsibility. You are entitled to leave a relationship whenever you want. I felt the exact same as you about my ex, I remember thinking ‘he’s not going to let me break up with him’ and I was right, he wouldn’t leave me alone until I had the police involved. You’re absolutely right that it is a red flag and abusive him calling you a s**t, and pressuring you into sex.

Have a look online at resources explaining abuse if you haven’t already like the power and control wheel, cycle of abuse etc. And give the helpline a call as well as Rights of Women to ask them about the child custody (the national domestic violence helpline should also be able to help with this too). And also do a search for your local DV service, mine has a helpline and were super helpful.

[EeyoreNoMore]

The mere fact that you feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time is a result of his abuse. He’s still in control. He is still controlling how you feel.

The damage he did to you cannot be undone. You will never forget it.

He’s enjoying the control of letting you be in a good place. When he feels like it he’ll take that good place away and dictate your emotions again.

Unfortunately they really are all the same (abusers). Please do call WA, they are amazing (but it can be really hard to get through so persevere(.

[Malachite]

Thank you so much for your replies. You’re really sweet and supportive.

Part of me is wondering whether the full custody thing just feels like abuse bc we’re not used to men wanting full custody, if a woman said the same thing, would we say she’s abusive? But then I suggested 3/4 day split and going to mediation to make sure it was the best decision for child and was fair to both of us, and he said he didn’t want other people getting involved ‘in our relationship’. So…

Thanks for your help, I will definately work up the courage to phone WA some time this week (I’m so nervous on phones!)

[KIP.]

My ex said the same about councelling. What he really meant was he didn’t want other people knowing how abusive he was. They can confuse and manipulate us but the professionals see right through them. Of course he doesn’t want his abuse exposed. As for going for full custody, he will use whatever he can to keep control. My ex was the same. Read ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. Please remember that these abusers are pathological liars. Do not believe a word he says. Google the cycle of abuse. Be very wary as these men are dangerous when we try to leave them x keep trying the helpline on here or contact your local branch of women’s aid.

[Malachite]

I called the helpline for the first time today after building up to it for weeks. I’m proud of myself, but didn’t get through to anyone, which just shows how much this service is needed.

[SunshineRainflower]

Well done Malachite that is a very positive step, yes it can be hard to get through and indeed sadly shows the depth of the problem. We need societal change very badly.

If you do a search for your local service you could give them a try? I was able to speak to them a lot and they were very helpful. I think you can also leave a voicemail for a callback at the helpline, not sure if there is an email service too but the others may know. Don’t give up, keep going.

[Lisa]

Hello Malachite,

Well done for calling the helpline, it must have taken a lot of courage to do so. It is a busy service but if there is a safe and convenient time for you to receive a call back then please do call again and leave a voicemail.

Hopefully you will be able to speak to someone soon.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[teatime]

Hi Malachite. He sounds b horrible and you do end up shouting and they back off for a while but they usually are waiting for their moment to ‘get’ you.
I am glad you called the helpline xx

[Author]

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