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O.K. so it is over but I am in the same house still as him, looking at my escape options with Women’s Aid. I have been sofa surfing mostly since we split, his tactic was cruelty and trying to make me say everything was my fault (all in another post). Anyway I had to come back to the house, I have not seen him for a while, in which time he as been going around saying I am the abusive one.
Tried to stay out of his way but he heard me leave my room and was like really really nice to me when he saw me. So happy to see me, interested in what I had done, told me it was what I needed, Straight after I returned to my room, broke down crying. Was it me, he is been lovely to me, do I push his buttons, is there something about me that wants to be punished, do I deserve his spiteful, cruel treatment. I desperately wanted him to cuddle me and I am sure that if I had gone for one he would have given me one, I did not though.
I sat and thought about the conversation, he never once asked me how I was, just asked what I had done, and that it was what I needed. Told me how much emotional distress he was in, and finished the conversation by asking me where something was.
I am confused as hell my desperate need for his approval, he will pull me back in if I do not stay strong, I am too f*****g old for this. I feel like a naughty little girl desperate for his attention. I know his kindness as an end game but yet it as always been this way, he uses people. But it was the only kindness I occasionally got for so many years, the only physical contact with another person
Someone give me a talking too, leaving this is so difficult, it just feels easier to fall back into his arms, stay with what I know then face the pain, the realisations that come with so many years of abuse. It is these moments I know he still as control of me, I am trying but it is so hard.
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Google the cycle of abuse. It’s typical at this stage for him to ignore his dysfunction aggressive behaviour, just like it never happened. It sends us into a tailspin. We would not behaved like that and no one caring would either so we can’t work out why he would? Well it must be us? No it’s not. Google trauma bonding. Our abuser will push us off a cliff then rush down and rescue us. It’s all crazy making behaviour to put the spotlight on us and off his violent, crazy making, emotional abuse. Making us crave the good decent man he pretends to be. That’s an act and you can spend a lifetime of punishment trying to find that man again. He doesn’t exist. Ignore him, hold him to account and you will see his true nasty nature. It’s like if you behave and don’t provoke him, you won’t get punished (until he feels like it again). He’s programmed you and he knows exactly what he’s doing. That’s why zero contact is so important to break free. Don’t give him the opportunity to stomp on your heart again x
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In my experience abusers often don’t have a problem with their anger they have a problem with ours. When you confront which you’re perfectly entitled to do, you will see him escalate his behaviour as he tries to regain control. It’s unbelievable the nonsense they spout. Keep a journal. Remember they are liars. I tried living with my abuser after I’d ended things and it quickly turned to violence once he realised I wasn’t going to back down, which I had done for years to keep the peace. Remember he’s been accusing you of being the abusive one in order to discredit you so when the truth comes out he will look like the victim and you’re the one making it up. Cunning deception, lack of empathy. (detail removed by moderator).
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Kip Thank you once again, I am googling as I write, I have been keeping a journal of his abuse since Feb but gave up in April since I was writing in it every other day; one day for example I wrote in it every hour, I gave up since the abuse was so self evident by then. I did not think about evidence, I was just keeping it to remind myself of what he had done to me. Also I was so embarrassed and ashamed of running back to this man, begging forgiveness, I felt very much that I knew what he was doing and in some way allowing it continue I was giving him permission to abuse me. Since the break up I have been writing down the experiences I have had with him, when those intrusive thoughts come, it is the only way I can quell the panic attacks. I have known for awhile I just had to wait it ou; if I split from him it would be very dangerous.
After I posted this I spoke to a good friend on the phone who I have been speaking to for the last 4 years about his behavior she reminded me, that his whole interactions with me were to keep me off balance, to be in control. As you have pointed to KIP, I have found some other things that I will not go into, could identify me, that he can use as a, look at how nice and kind I am to her. Never as he done these things before.
N********m, what he as decided I suffer from, I get the sense that may be projection. I have looked into this. My name is not pulled out of a hat, there is a syndrome now referred to as Affective Deprivation and recognised by the DSM V book, which is associated with relationships with specific personality types and learning disabilities. Mine reckons he as one of these and I no longer care, I will not make excuses for behavior because he is the poor victim of a condition. Abuse is abuse, and he knows it, played a very smart game and still is. The condition he says he as could in no way deceive and play with others in the way he as. but there is a huge cross over of tendencies between the 2, I have felt he is (detail removed by moderator) for a while, his family seem full of them, they lie, deceive, have no true empathy for others unless it fulfills their needs, the moment a person no longer act in a way they deem as useful or fulfilling a desired ego boost, then the bile that comes out of all of their mouths about others is truly disturbing.
Cecile, no apologies, no remorse, no thank you for all you have done for me, no recognition of me at all. No recognition that I am coming out of this relationship so much worst off than I entered it, I was in a very successful high paying job, a vocation. He threatened suicide until I quit it and stayed at home to become his full-time career. His life through my support is so much better than it was, me on the other hand, poor and probably going to need therapy for the rest of my life.
I need to get the hell away, this house keeps me unbalanced, even when he is not present, the trauma I have experienced here is engulfing me from all sides. Until I am away from him and here I can not even cry without having a huge panic attack, I am so sorry for rambling on. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place, I can not understand sometimes what the hell is going on with me. I suppose it is like having spent the (detail removed by moderator) years been cornered by a lion, and now the lion as took a few steps back I feel like I should have a sense of relief, but I do not, I see others petting the lion like he is a sweet kitten, whilst I can not shake the feelings of fear, tread, I can not leave the corner; I have been here so long I feel paralysed; unable to move.
Thank you all so much
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I felt just like you do. I felt trauma bonded to my home. It felt safe, the place I ran to when I had panic attacks. But there was nothing safe about that home where the monster lived. Abuse leave us feeling confused. Google Gaslighting, cognitive dissonance. Tools of the abuser. Until you can go zero contact, the fog of abuse won’t clear. If you’re scared for your safety there are women’s refuges and the police to help protect you. He’s a parasite and will suck you dry. They thrive while our mental health and lives take a nose dive. He will thrive on your confusion and distress. Do you have support from women’s aid?
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Thanks Kip, I do have support from women’s aid. But with Christmas and now New Year my support worker is either ill or on holiday. Oddly yet again I know alot about gas-lighting, cognitive dissonance, because yet again it was something he says I do and he as have (because of my alleged abuse), I wish I had known more about ‘projection’. I take it my abuse was to sit on the floor cross legged, head down, while he paced back and forth screaming, at me, threatening to kill me and himself. I could go on and on but I will not right now.
Refuges are not an option due to my own mental health (agoraphobia), and other considerations, the one they can put me in is hours away from what little support I have. I am hoping my support worker will be back by Friday (she as been off ill) I am suppose to be having a meeting with her to discuss my re-homing options. Just talked to the phone support, I can not give all details in the forum, but it is seeming pretty clear that the way he is behaving is a common tact, but even more disturbing for me after talking to her, is that I recognise the kind act, I think he is trying to get me to beg for him back, to tell him I love him and all that (ego). I recognise the coercive and controlling pattern that if I do not play along with could end very ugly. I am trying to keep zero contact but as you say I need to be away from this house and him to do so. I need to speak to my support worker A.S.A.P. This is far from over and as soon as he realises it is, I seriously worry for my life.
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