He is like Jekyll and Hyde

[Plantschest]

After (detail removed by moderator) years I finally split from my partner (detail removed by moderator) ago. I still allow him to come over to visit the kids, who claim they have never experienced or witnessed any of his violence. He always arrives with a bagload of treats and goodies for them. Everything seems to be a bed of roses with him and the kids, but with me he’s a different story. He still threatens me and intimidates me physically and psychologically, just as much as he did when we were together. He never seems sorry for anything. It’s like a Jekyll and Hyde act, where the kids have Jekyll and I have Hyde. This is starting to take a toll on my health. I feel sick every time he approaches me. I would like to banish him from my life completely, but this would be a selfish thing to do as the kids don’t fear him as much as I do. But they can’t see through his apparently “nice” persona. Should I explain everything to them? If so, when is the right time?

[BeautyMarked]

Sadly this is a typical abuser thing to do. Stevenson was really into something when he wrote about Jekyll and Hyde.

Abusers have to have a public persona so beyond reproach that it would be so difficult for anyone to believe that they can be so cruel. Oh they are cunning creatures to be sure. It’s sickening, maddening and insidious.

I think the first thing is to arm yourself with knowledge so that you can fully recognise all the tactics these abusers use. Lundy Bancroft ‘Why does he do that?’ is a favourite on the board.
Others can probably advise much better than I, but I suggest that if you must have contact then learn about how to do the so-called ‘grey rock’ method. Abusers want to push our emotional and psychological buttons which is what he’s doing by being beyond reproach with the children. They want reactions from us to make it look like it’s us.
I don’t know how old your children are but I would suggest not getting them involved. A time may come where it is unavoidable that they will learn if his true behaviour. As long as they are not at risk of harm from him, I would focus on yourself, keeping yourself safe and learning about his disposable tactics. If he continues with his physical and psychological intimidation there may be other routes you can go down which others are far more equipped to advise upon. I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with his continued abuse. These people need to feel in control and try to dominate. They are unhealthy people and we need to either have no contact or very minimal contact to protect ourselves.

[diymum@1]

sounds like he is playing ‘disney’dad this is very common it all seems lovely but he is actually competing with you which isnt healthy for anyone really. there are ways to broach this indirectly with you kids – the book below gives you ways to deal with him and how to teach the kids basically right from wrong. so by teaching them to think critically even watching tv showing examples off good morals they will see through him he willl show his true colours they always do xx

ive recently read when dad hurts mum by the good mr bancroft and wow what a revalation! this book is exactly how this has played out for us;

heres something that rings very true in many cases;

-frequently buying them presents or taking them on exspensive outings,to buy their affection and loyalty.
-turning the children against you through verbal conditioning and manipulation.
-undermining your parenting by making his home a place with no rules,structure,or safety precautions.
-having specail toys or pets at his house that they cannot bring home, so they have to go to his house to enjoy them.
-making the children feel sorry for him about the separation,such as telling them he crys when theyre not there,so they will feel obligated to spend more time with him.
-taking them for visits and returning them late,or not returning them at all for days or even weeks.
-not calling them or spending time with them at all, especially if he is angry at you about something.
-not paying child support,underpaying,or paying late.
-causing you and the children to become homeless by not contributing financially,by getting you evicted, or by forcing the sale of your home.
-threatening all kinds of harm if you let your children to get to know your new partner.
-destroying their relationships with therapist or other proffesionals through manipulation.
-dragging you into court repeatedly regarding visitation.
seeking custody of the children through court or threatening to do so.
-kidnapping the children or threatening to do so.
-persuading the children that you are to blame for the separation.
-having the children transmit messages to you.
-pumping them for information about your current living situation,your finances,or your new partners.
-returning them dirty,unfed,or emotionally distraught from visits.
-filing unwaranted child abuse reports.
-promising to see the children then cancelling at the last minite,in an effort to control your schedule/free time.

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