He is off again- ranting to himself down stairs when angry with me!

[FruitLoops]

Hey all. So (detail removed by moderator) was another spectacular event of him shouting at me, I have no idea what sparked it. I think it’s cause he was telling me off again and I looked at my phone cause I got a message from a friend and I forgot he hates me “constantly” on my phone. I forgot myself and checked the message. He stormed upstairs. That then culminated in a whole evening of me cooking tea (despite me being at work all day and him not working I have to still do that because he is ‘helping’ me with the care of my children picking them up from school for me whilst I’m at work. God forbid I might get a meal cooked for me and stuff done without it being thrown in my face 😢 and I didn’t even get a thanks of course for cooking and washing up. (Sorry just a little whinge!)

Anyway, massive strop he went upstairs, but more and more I notice he’s getting angry at me, last every other day I end up sobbing and apologising to try to get him to stop. He is shouting and saying it’s me. I break promises to him (about having sex daily as I said I’d like when we first met) and I’m always snapping at him and not picking. I don’t feel I am, but maybe I am!!! He makes me very angry as he is so lazy and any little bit of help given is always thrown in my face because it’s “something he’d never have done for his ex and his own kids”.

(Detail removed by moderator). He then goes downstairs ranting very loudly. Full conversations with himself, which is unnerving and scary. About me and how I’m cruel and a liar and break promises. Does anyone else have a partner who rants away like this because I have shut down and won’t engage despite him goading me. I just lie or sit there crying because I hope it will stop the anger sooner.

In end I had to get him to stop and let me sleep. He hates me just going to sleep, but I’m exhausted.

Sorry for the rant!! Lots of love to you all x*x

[HeasvHeart]

I really feel for you FruitLoops as I know exactly what you are talking about.
I call it prowling. I avoid arguing upstairs if I can so that I’m not stuck up there feeling scared.
I do retreat into myself and that’s because I’ve learned over the years that it’s impossible and pointless arguing. But that annoys him too and he says I make it worse….still impossible.
I don’t have any advice but I’m sure some of the amazing ladies ok here will, I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. Take care xx

[KIP.]

It makes me really sad to read your post. It reminds me when I was with my abuser. You need to know that you have done absolutely nothing to deserve this behaviour. He chooses to behave this way because it makes him feel big and good by destroying your inner peace and your positivity. It totally destroyed my mental health and I ended up unable to work. Raging over nothing, keeping me awake all night so I was too exhausted to work and to look after my child. It was all overwhelming. The bottom line is you could be the most perfect partner in the world but he will simply change the goal posts. Would he behave this way around anyone else. If you had visitors would he treat you this badly? My ex could control his behaviour right up to the point our visitors left. Then he would start his rages. Meaning he could totally control himself, he just chose not to. I was left a shell of the person I was when I met him. Is there anyone else who can do the child care for you? Although he will use any little thing or just make stuff up to drag you down. It’s just what abusers do.

[Daisydo]

My husband’s rants to himself! They love the sound of their own voices. When we are having words, I struggle to be heard cos he talks over me all the time. We also had words last night
It very normal for them to say that we are cruel, unloving and to blame that for their anger towards us. I have tried to tell him that it’s his aggressive behaviour that has made me shut down but they won’t accept that. (Detail removed by moderator) was the first time I threatened to call the police if he didn’t get out of my face & step back. He laughed!
He is being abusive towards you, please be careful!. When I first got together with my husband I was not allowed to lax and read a book in bed because if I was awake, we should have been having sex! I laughed at it at the time but now I can see it for what it really was, and he would strop if I tried to read so I didn’t for years!
I’m planning my way out, I believe there is a happier life to be had without him.
Keep posting xx

[Shaz]

Hi Fruitloops

I just had to respond as I have exactly the same issue with my phone. If i look at it he hates it, and goes into a massive mood or accuses me of cheating. Meanwhile he is sat there on it all night. Its just not worth it so i try not to.
I also recognise the sleep thing.. I’m exhausted through my anxiety and not being able to sleep at all, I think the current anger/issue is the fact i ‘dont show affection’ which means ‘im the abuser’. So many similar stories its like they get their behaviour from the same manual.
Anyway, just wanted to show some support. I too just end up crying as its all i feel i have left and i suppose i hope he will stop, he generally doesnt, and after several rants eventually goes to bed, after which i cant sleep.
Keep posting and learning, its so important that you do. Take care xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi FL, I jyst wanted to give you a big hug🤗 my husband does the very same. Then has the cheek when everything calms back down by asking is there anything you want me to do and then wants recognition for it when I get in, which is usually sex related. Aarrgghhh, why is it everything revolves around sex😡😡 I’m no longer on social media because of his accusations and moaning about things popping up on his page when it’s on mine. I’ve told him countless times to unfriend me but he hasn’t…. so I did, and he’s not even noticed. I read books on my phone, any early nights he thinks it should involve sex. Everyday the subject is brought up one way or another. I never noticed how his conversations had so many innuendos in them.
I too am abusing him because I won’t have sex daily.
I refuse to let him get me as upset now, but sometimes he still manages to. As for apologising, try and stop doing it. That only reaffirms in his reality that you are at fault that he’s right to have a go at you because you’re the one apologising. There’s really no logic to how they think. I’ve replaced crying and trying to defend MySelf, with using the grey rock method and or when I do speak to him saying things like, that’s your opinion, I see it differently. I’ve even just shouted at him, enough, stop acting like a child and grow up. And he did. I was shi….g myself but it really worked. You’re not alone, all these men behave this way, but their days are numbered. More and more of them are being walked out on our being made to leave by the authorities. One day, abuse of women by the man who’s supposed to love them will stop as it will for everyone who is abused. Not sure about workplace environments, schools etc but if we can get it recognised for what it is, get society to recognise it and do something about it instead of turning away, not getting involved because it’s domestic….
Anyway just wanted to let you and other ladies know, this is what these men do, everyone of them, it’s what their dad’s did and their Grandads and so on and so on. We are modern day #Suffragettes, this is our fight and we’ll stand together.
Love and light
IWMB

[FruitLoops]

Honestly ladies it is like reading about my own life, every single story. Every single one. You’ve all made me cry because I can’t believe how lovely you all are and so caring and understanding, but also because I find it so so sad how this is happening to so many of us. I’m just sat outside work dreading going home as I know it will be the same again tonight. And if not tonight then probably tomorrow. And I can’t do it anymore. I keep messaging my mum to say I need to talk and I want to tell her something but then he’s nice to me again so I leave it and never tell her. And part of me doesn’t want to as then it’s out isn’t it, there’s no going back: my parents will hate him and I have to leave and right now I am just not ready, I’ve just started a new job, my children a new school, a new area, how can I give all that up just now? I feel so trapped and alone X*x

[afterhim]

Hi FruitLoops and the rest of you lovely ladies. Isn’t it amazing how each of us share the exact same experiences. When these things are happening v to us, we think it is a unique situation, but the sad reality is it’s not. I too have experienced everything, even down to the reading. Bed was for sex and sleeping only. He could have his face in his phone, god forbid I did thought. I was always “hiding something”. The only thing I had ever hidden was the fact that I googled (removed by moderator) and it was him down to a T. I really encourage you to find a local freedom programme. It gives you a chance to share you experiences and learn how to deal with them. You also learn what a good man/partner is supposed to be. I haven’t been out of the relationship long, but I am getting stronger each day. And you will too. Find that Inner goddess and let her out. She will guide you through your darkest times. It’s not all been easy for me, even today, I was playing with my neice, and she climbed on my back and pulled my hair only playfully and said “get up”. That line took me right back to being on the living room floor and being dragged round by my head. I froze immediately, tears in my eyes. But, I straighted my back, shook it off and carried on because his power has now gone. As soon as you can realise that you are the one in control of your life, it makes living, sleeping, even breathing effortless. X*x

[afterhim]

Also, I went through the same. I was concerned that as soon as I admitted it. That was it. Even after all he did to me he was my life. And I didn’t want to lose that. I had a new job, was about to move into a lovely new house, but honestly you can’t put a price on your freedom and the freedom of your children. As soon as I spoke out, it started a chain of events that needed to happen. You don’t have to leave right away. I did that and had nothing. I’m building myself back up which is stressful. But I thank my lucky starts that he isn’t hurting me any more. Again something that is priceless. Make a plan, that way when/id you do leave, you’ll be secure. Seek help from your local authorities, they’ll put a plan together for you.
You aren’t alone, you have us and you will have support should want it. We are hear to listen and metaphorically wipe your tears.. and the best thing about this group is there is NO judgement.rhings will get better 💕

[FruitLoops]

Afterhim; thankyou so much for your reply, can I ask, did you ever worry he would make out you were a bad mother? I’m scared as he says I scream and shout constantly at my kids (i dont) and I’m just as bad as him, and I’m terrified it’ll get me into trouble and I’ll lose my children to my ex if he thinks I’m not a good mum and believes my partner over me? I’m just terrified of the smear campaign he will wreak over me and that will cause me to lose my children. Xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi FL, the authorities are beginning to see a pattern with abusers and that all mums are c..p according to them. Of course mums shout, we all do, but we are not the abuser. He is projecting what he is onto you. Listen very very carefully what he says about you and if you replace it with me(as in him) it’s actually his confession.
Take care, keep journalling, keep safe.
Love and light
IWMB 💕💕

[Anonymous]

Omg, Fruitloops, your life sounds identical to mine before he was arrested. Being able to sleep now uninterrupted is such a treat. It’s weird how our stories are all so similar. I don’t know why these people think they have the right to do this.

[Fudgecake]

It is intriguing how all these abusers follow the same behaviour pattern and then complain when we withdraw into ourselves. Then they expect sex. I find it sadly ironic. If they had only stayed the way they were when we first met them, then we wouldn’t have withdrawn and we’d be more emotionally giving and open to sex.
In my case, I’m finding it very sad.
I guess a simple, happy, loving relationship was too much too ask for.

[Anonymous]

It’s so true, Fudgecake. I always say that my ex would have got more of what he wanted, e.g. my company, sex, my money, if he’d just been able to be nice to me. His vile behaviour only served to push me away from him.

[FruitLoops]

Thankyou Landy and Fudgecake 😘

I always think that it’s me now. It’s my fault and I’m abusive, I’m even seeing similarities with gaslighting now, I am critical of him more and more. But usually I end up shutting up…. it’s not constant criticism as he says, I’m trying to highlight why I’m so upset mostly. Anyway, relented and had sex, he is an absolute Angel after sex, for a good while- maybe 6 hours I get him as this wonderful laughing and loving man- the man he was when we met (mostly). But it always ends up back the same in a day or even the same day. So I’ll enjoy it whilst it lasts.

Even his face changes. So so different. Like a different person entirely. His whole features seem to change!

[Fudgecake]

Fruitloops, it’s interesting that you mentioned about his face changing. I know exactly what you mean. My ex had two different faces too. It was like two different people- a young face that was the nice version that I first met and fell in love with and then this grumpy old man face that appeared with his ranting, moody , controlling side. This face became an almost permanent presence but occasionally it did change back. It sounds bizarre I know but even my kid noticed the two different faces.

[Iwantmeback]

Same😔 we’ve all got different faces we show the world, our family etc. But with our oh’s it is just like you described, the younger playful man we fell in love with when they get sex but it’s the horrible ugly man literally hours or definately the next day. I find myself looking at the nasty man trying so very hard to see a glimpse of the nice man he once was, and he’s not there, just only when he gets what he wants from me. 😔

[FruitLoops]

The face changing thing is unnerving isn’t it. Terrifying. Thankyou for your replies it means such a lot to talk to people who “get it” even though I’d never wish it onto anyone x*x

[Author]

Posts