He is trying to say it’s me

[Raindays]

So today I told him he messes with my head but his response if I mess with his head and he doesn’t know where he stands with me, I said well this is because of the way you treat me, I don’t want to be around him. I said you made me life difficult for years then he’s twists it and says he read my phone and I said to someone I don’t want to be around him.
I’m sorry but why would u want to be around anyone who doesn’t trust me doesn’t let me do anything, scared to go out anywhere speak to anyone. I can’t have a life. I said your paranoid and he said that is my fault I make him like that. How do I make him like that? If I don’t answer my phone or FaceTime immediately. Obviously I don’t want to talk to him my eyes have opened up to years of abuse, mental abuse, financial abuse, and the fact he doesn’t help or contribute to anythig with our (detail removed by moderator) children. I mean Iv said for years I may as well be a single parent, but now this is my fault according to him we don’t talk about his feelings? I’m selfish?
I’ve had (detail removed by moderator) deaths in my family this year and when I went to visit one I was a used of having an affair Cos I didn’t answer him right away.., he is trying to twist things and I’m too tired for this … he always makes it about him and I just give up in the end and here I am (detail removed by moderator) years later still putting up with it xx

[Raindays]

Then I start thinking is it me am I selfish .. ahh my head Iv just had enough it’s pointless even trying to say anything 😔🤦‍♀️
My head is so battered in with hi m I can’t even think xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Of course he will say it’s you. He is unwilling to take any responsibility for whatever reasons – mostly to not look bad – and will rather blame you for whatever he is actually doing. He is projecting onto you whatever he is doing. Take it as his confession and record it.

There is no point in arguing with an abuser. He will NEVER EVER let you win. Ever. Guaranteed he’d rather die before he confesses to any of his crimes.

It’s better to decide what you wish to do with your life, you do not have to suffer his abuse any longer if you do not wish to, there is support out there, I’m sure you will be supported quite well with that amount of children trying to make it possibly easier for you.
Please do contact your local Women’s Aid or contact them via chat whenever they’re open and ask for advice about your options.
Also contact Victim Support and Rights of Women for legal advice.
Do not inform him about your plans or thoughts and wishes.
Keep it to yourself and for people you trust.
Keep a normal routine at home whilst gathering informations on your exit options.
Hide your passports and other valuable documents and sentimental valuables somewhere safe with a friend of family member you fully trust.
You’ve got this!
Keep posting

[HopeLifeJoy]

And please dear oh dear please lock your phone. No access for him! It’s your phone not his!

[KIP.]

It’s a waste of time trying to argue with an abuser. Like you I ended up sitting in silence while he vented at me. The whole point is he gets to dump on you. It doesn’t matter what he’s saying or what imagined slight you’ve caused. Its not about that. It’s about him making you feel confused and keeping you down while the lives off your confusion and distress. He thrives while you dive. They are parasites. You’re now left wondering what you’ve done wrong and the answer is you got involved with an abuser.

[Raindays]

Yes I have learned to lock my phone as he goes through it, I even have made my post on Facebook so he can’t see as I can’t even put a picture of myself on now, I was never allowed a phone but he knows he cannot stop this now and think he realises I’m a stronger person but still not strong enough to just leave, I do feel bad on him as I know he loves his kids in his own way but he thinks by saying sorry and doing a few things for one day or bringing flowers it fixes all of this. Iv come to realise I am not me when I’m with him, His eyes are on me assessing what’s in doing, he questions why I even go on the sub bed, who am I trying to impress. I can’t just do things for me they should be for him including wearing false eyelashes and makeup going to a shop. As long as I am doing everything he is happy with it’s all good hence I don’t even go out anymore and if I do befriend people he doesn’t like them.
Nothing changes, he may as well not be here as he doesn’t help me either, he spends my money keeps my cards and stops me having access to money so Iv struggled with Xmas as he doesn’t help with that either or the house.
Only thing I worry about is how my older children will react if I move form here I just do not think he will leave 🤦‍♀️😔 xx

[KIP.]

Are you getting support from you local women’s aid? Your husband sounds extremely controlling. We seem to fear change when we should really embrace it. Your children need a happy healthy confident mum whose lead they can follow.

[KIP.]

You said today you told him he messes with your head……. and his response……. to mess with your head x

[Raindays]

Sorry. I try to write on this when I get a chance and sometimes it doesn’t come out right…
I said he messes with my head and he said it’s me who messes with his.
He is arguing with my (detail removed by moderator) yr old daughter a lot too I told her shes wasting her time but he is saying horrible things telling her I’m a s**t and s**g and when I was visiting my sick sister I was going out drinking and sleeping with men and I don’t care about them.
Firstly I had my youngest with me and this is what happens when I do not answer my phone. I was sitting with doctors doing a end of care plan one day and because I wasn’t answering I was bombarded with messages saying convient I’m not answering and stuff. I called him and said I was in a meeting his reply was u know.
I mean I don’t go out partying and drinking but what if I wanted too am I not allowed.
I just can’t bare this anymore it’s one thing after another. He won’t take responsibility for anything and I can’t even get to call woman’s aid Cos he doesn’t leave my side.
When I do go anywhere I’m tracked constantly. If I don’t reply I’m with automatically someone. I’m at the point now u don’t want to speak to him at all. He keeps saying he loves me everyday and expects me to say it back but in actually fact what reasons I have to love him . I can’t even think of any. It’s like a relief to get away from him strangely enough, but I couldn’t tell him all this, and I fell stupid telling anyone as I allowed this to happen and to leave now, Iv put up with so much worse than he is doing at the moment.
Iv been locked in the house in the past and my phone taken away, but that was my fault Apparenty. Why did I allow this? Then just all the little things, everything is just coming back to me all the memory’s like I put them to one side and they are coming back x

[diymum@1]

This is what they do when they’re no the centre off attention xx very selfish spoiled and immature behaviour they’re all so similar xx

[Raindays]

I know Iv read so much on here and didn’t realise the similarities, I really thought it was just him and that it was normal. Taken me a lot of years to open my eyes to it x

[KIP.]

Yes, you tell him he’s messes with your head and his response is that you mess with his. This is messing with your head. Exactly what you’re trying to get through to him. His very response confirms what you’re saying is correct.

[Raindays]

I have decided that there’s no point in arguing with him but I can’t bare him been around me and I feel horrible that it’s nearly xmas and really don’t want it to spoil it for my children but I can’t bare this man around me anymore it’s mental torture and I blamed the anxiety I have suffered on loosing my dad years ago and now I wonder was it that or this life I have well (not a life) 😞 May as well be chained up xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Good decision 👍
Have a look at grey rock, it might help you save your energy. It means you do not engage emotionally, stay extremely superficial, do not share any deep feelings or thoughts with him, keep talking to him about whatever topics which keeps him the quietest, he won’t notice the difference because he isn’t interested or listening to you anyways.
Meanwhile underneath your act, behind the scenes you start thinking about what you wish to do with your life going forward. Start gathering informations from different agencies, talk to people you can fully trust about your thoughts, take it step by step, steady and strong and take your time.
With informations, you’ll be able to slowly form a picture of what your life could look like in the future and it’ll give you something to hold on to and move forward to.

About Christmas, just let it come and go, stay on autopilot, and expect drama from him as part of the schedule, as usual with festivities and abusers. You’ll have plenty of other Christmases in your life which you’ll be able to look forward to and cherish in a loving atmosphere. Maybe invite people over so you’re not alone with him and record him when he goes theatrical, start gathering evidence for your future case.

Make sure you look after yourself, little everyday things like keeping hydrated enough, getting enough sleep, enjoying a shower. And keep breathing deeply in and out to relax.

Sending you love, it will be okay you’ll see 💕

[KIP.]

For years I blamed my depression and anxiety on so many things that happened to me but you heal from loss, you process it and move on. You cannot process abuse and move on because it’s constant. All those years I made excuses for him while he deliberately tore me apart piece by piece and tried to undermine and destroy me. The man I loved, gave a child to and took an oath with was just out to control and destroy me for his own selfish needs. He knew what he was doing and chose to do it. It’s in their personality. Once I was able to understand this everything changed. It destroys you trying to pretend there is love just to keep the peace. Sickening gut wrenching feelings.

[Raindays]

Thankyou
It’s nice to come on here and people understand it’s hard to talk to people that haven’t been through it there response if I wouldn’t put up with it or leave, it just makes you feel pathetic that your putting up with it 🙁
X*x

[Freedom22]

Hi everyone I am new to this and all of your posts give me so much comfort knowing I am not alone.
Rainy days I also find my abuse difficult to talk to other people as they tell me to just leave and cant understand why I stay.
I read this forum every night before bed and I pray that I get the strength to leave him soon. I just feel sooo sad so many women are going through abuse and I’m sooo greatful for this forum x

[Raindays]

Hi Freedom 22, I’m also recently new here also I am shocked at so many similarity’s, it makes you realise that maybe you are not the problem. Iv had years of him twisting things to make me think is it me making him like that, then people in my ear also saying why do you stay and put up with it and shortly after as I defend myself slightly he says it’s those so called friends trying to split us up as they are Jealous.
I hate arguing probably why I have tolerated this for so long, as soon as I try to stand up to him my heart is in my throat yet strangely I’m not like this with other people 🤦‍♀️
I just wish I was able to walk away but I have (removed by moderator) children and a business x

[Freedom22]

Hi Rainydays,
Yes listening to everyone has also made me realise that I am not the problem but I have to constantly keep reminding myself that I am not the problem as he easily manipulates me in thinking everything is my fault.
Yes I hate confrontation and I am aware of our children being around so to prevent them hearing anything I end up staying quiet.
I have found he will never admit his mistakes and defending myself is never successful as he goes off topic and starts saying horrible and hurtful things to me and there is only so much abuse I can take at any given time.
I dream of living alone with myself and my children but I have a job that I love and the children love him so that makes leaving more difficult.
For so many years I have been in denial and thought the abuse was normal until I was once told that I had lost the spark in my eyes and that comment stayed with me. Until later I realised I am a victim of abuse and i start reading about the cycle of abuse and various books around this topic. This knowledge gave me the strength to admit to my family and close friends that I am in an abusive relationship.
However actually leaving is difficult and my mind needs to accept what my heart already knows which is that I need to leave to get the spark back into my life.
Thank you for replying and like I said earlier all of you amazing women give me so much comfort x*x

[dancing in the rain]

Hi Rainy days, what you describe could be my life!! I have come to realise, thanks to this forum, that he has been manipulating and controlling me for decades. He too twists everything round to be my fault. Everything I say I don’t like about what he does he says, well you do it too. Messing with my head is what he does all the time, even when he is being Mr nice. I too have spent decades blaming my anxiety and depression on a variety of things and wondering why I can’t just cope like “normal” people but now I understand that it is living with his abuse, belittling, threatening, manipulating…..that is to blame 😟

He has been trying to be “kind” for the last couple of weeks on the “recommendation” of his counsellor….but as you say his cuddles, stroking and asking for a kiss just creeps me out….although I am making the most of the fact that he’s doing more around the house 😉

I too have grown up children and have been worried about how they will react if I am the one who leaves/breaks up the relationship. But I hope that, as KIP says they will appreciate a happier, healthier mother and will, in time, come to understand what I have been putting up with and maybe even see me as a role model for strength and the need to value your own happiness and worth.

I’ve decided I’m going to get through Christmas gre rock, luckily there will be lots of people around who love me, and then carry on planning what I want to do next. I know he will think he’s been trying to be better and save our marriage and if I leave will blame me for not trying, but I have to do what’s best for me now and I know the truth.

You are not alone and what you are experiencing is abuse. Stay strong and focus on what you know is true and prioritise your own happiness x*x

[Raindays]

Hi everyone
Thankyou for the messages
It’s good to know your not the only one as I just think I’m going mad at times but I found strength to tell him I’m not happy the other night that I don’t want to live this way and I was to be alone, he admits he is wrong in what he does but still blames me and his insecurity’s and that I cause him to be like this, I told him I’d rather be alone his response is if he leaves he will find someone else I mean wth!! That’s his first thought! 🤦‍♀️
This did upset me just because it wasn’t my first thought but at same time I do not want him here but it’s nice to know I’m so replaceable, he still said my head is just messed up because I’m grieving and I said it’s not it’s just making me realise I’m More,
So anyway back to square one today him acting like I didn’t say anything and painting the (detail removed by moderator) that I didn’t want done last week before Xmas but hey according to him it’s me and he can’t do nothing right and I should just be grateful,
My cousin is coming tomorrow he hates him as he threatened him when he defended me (detail removed by moderator) shortly followed with accusations that we were having an affair because I can’t be close to anyone else apart from him and this is my family 🤦‍♀️
Can’t bare 2 weeks of them two at each other I’d rather just leave on my own and hide in a room,
Even if I go to my bedroom for 5 mins he is there sitting with me watching me on my phone.
I don’t think he will ever see he is the problem,
(detail removed by moderator)! 🙁 x*x

[Author]

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