4th May 2021 at 8:36 pm #125534OceanParticipant
Hello lovely ladies.
I thought this was the best place to come, as many of you understand.
While I was with my ex, he regularly turned people against me. This was painfully isolating. When I tried to reach out for help, nobody believed me.
We have been separated for a while now, but our interactions aren’t completely over yet. Plus he uses people to get to me.
He is denying any wrongdoing by telling people I am lying. And even though I have managed to make new friends and have a support system, it still hurts. Part of me thinks I am better off without people who believe the bad things he says about me. But the other side of me is brokenhearted that they are so keen to believe those things about me.
Sometimes I wish I could get away and start over with my children in a new place. Then, I wouldn’t be reminded of the pain he has caused by seeing parents from school or sports that preach to me based off what my ex says. And then on top of all that I still struggle with doubt and guilt.
I tried to describe the situation as best as I could without providing too much detail that would need to be deleted.
Any advice, encouragement, or your shared experiences are welcome xx
4th May 2021 at 9:02 pm #125535HawthornParticipant
Oh Ocean I’m so sorry you are experiencing this.
My abuser had me move to his home place, far far away from my friends and family, then delighted in telling me that none of his friends liked me, didn’t know why he was with me etc. I was so so isolated. I still made some friends, but since leaving he turned them all against me and painted himself as the injured party. It was easy for him as he knew them longer, and I was in such a bad state mental health wise by the time I left the relationship that it would not have been difficult for him to convince them all I was crazy.
I cut them all off and I regret nothing. I was sad for some time, and really upset that anyone would believe his lies about me, but then I remember that he manipulated me for years, and I was living with him! Convincing people he only seems occasionally is a piece of cake. No one who really knows me, believes him. And they are the people I have in my life now. Grieve those you have lost, but not for too long, you are better off without people like that in your life. They were only taking up space and time you can fill with kinder, more empathetic and more fun people!
Be very kind to yourself, it’s OK to be sad and heartbroken when people let you down and believe lies about you, but try not to spend too long feeling sad about it. The reality is most people think about what other people are doing very little. We are all the lead actor in our own story and don’t tend to give other people that much thought. So focus on yourself. Find things you enjoy doing and meet some new people, or reconnect with some old ones….and enjoy the peace of your own company.
“The only person we’ll ever truly know is ourselves, and only then with work”
Onwards and upwards, it does get better. Sending a big hug xx
4th May 2021 at 9:31 pm #125536EggshellsParticipant
Hi Ocean, I really feel for you. It is do painful to know that people could think so badly of you.
A timecwill come when it no longer hurts so much. Eventually, you realise that people who really believe that of you are not worth your energy.
Some of those people will know the truth deep down but choose to ignore it. They operate on the same level as your ex and are not worth your care. Others, sadly, may be good people but have been duped by him. You can give them your empathy as you know how that feels but unfortunately, they have to work it out for themselves, just like you did. Those are the ones you might feel saddest about as they will find it hard to find their way back to you when they finally understand. They will have a lot of difficult feelings to deal with but tight now, you can’t help them.
Unfortunately, the campaign will continue asong as you have mutual acquaintances. If you are able to move away and start afresh, it may be the best option gor you. xx
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