He is turning people against me, still…

[Anonymous]

Hello lovely ladies.
I thought this was the best place to come, as many of you understand.
While I was with my ex, he regularly turned people against me. This was painfully isolating. When I tried to reach out for help, nobody believed me.
We have been separated for a while now, but our interactions aren’t completely over yet. Plus he uses people to get to me.
He is denying any wrongdoing by telling people I am lying. And even though I have managed to make new friends and have a support system, it still hurts. Part of me thinks I am better off without people who believe the bad things he says about me. But the other side of me is brokenhearted that they are so keen to believe those things about me.
Sometimes I wish I could get away and start over with my children in a new place. Then, I wouldn’t be reminded of the pain he has caused by seeing parents from school or sports that preach to me based off what my ex says. And then on top of all that I still struggle with doubt and guilt.
I tried to describe the situation as best as I could without providing too much detail that would need to be deleted.
Any advice, encouragement, or your shared experiences are welcome xx

[Hawthorn]

Oh Ocean I’m so sorry you are experiencing this.

My abuser had me move to his home place, far far away from my friends and family, then delighted in telling me that none of his friends liked me, didn’t know why he was with me etc. I was so so isolated. I still made some friends, but since leaving he turned them all against me and painted himself as the injured party. It was easy for him as he knew them longer, and I was in such a bad state mental health wise by the time I left the relationship that it would not have been difficult for him to convince them all I was crazy.
I cut them all off and I regret nothing. I was sad for some time, and really upset that anyone would believe his lies about me, but then I remember that he manipulated me for years, and I was living with him! Convincing people he only seems occasionally is a piece of cake. No one who really knows me, believes him. And they are the people I have in my life now. Grieve those you have lost, but not for too long, you are better off without people like that in your life. They were only taking up space and time you can fill with kinder, more empathetic and more fun people!

Be very kind to yourself, it’s OK to be sad and heartbroken when people let you down and believe lies about you, but try not to spend too long feeling sad about it. The reality is most people think about what other people are doing very little. We are all the lead actor in our own story and don’t tend to give other people that much thought. So focus on yourself. Find things you enjoy doing and meet some new people, or reconnect with some old ones….and enjoy the peace of your own company.

“The only person we’ll ever truly know is ourselves, and only then with work”

Onwards and upwards, it does get better. Sending a big hug xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you Hawthorn. Very encouraging. I’m sorry you went through all that with him. My ex would tell me ‘nobody likes you, everybody hates you’. They are hateful people. Their goal is to break us and use us.
I hope you see yourself as the precious person you are. I’m happy you are in a better place now xx

[Eggshells]

Hi Ocean, I really feel for you. It is do painful to know that people could think so badly of you.

A timecwill come when it no longer hurts so much. Eventually, you realise that people who really believe that of you are not worth your energy.

Some of those people will know the truth deep down but choose to ignore it. They operate on the same level as your ex and are not worth your care. Others, sadly, may be good people but have been duped by him. You can give them your empathy as you know how that feels but unfortunately, they have to work it out for themselves, just like you did. Those are the ones you might feel saddest about as they will find it hard to find their way back to you when they finally understand. They will have a lot of difficult feelings to deal with but tight now, you can’t help them.

Unfortunately, the campaign will continue asong as you have mutual acquaintances. If you are able to move away and start afresh, it may be the best option gor you. xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Eggshells,

Thank you for the encouragement. You are right about their campaign continuing. And you got me thinking.
Best wishes x

[Nodrama]

What a sad man.
I’ve had/having the same. These people have hurt me much more than him (i expected it from him) i have finally stopped getting upset about it. Everyone knows he’s the liar, I’ve supported them with this year’s before. I am planning on moving away to a fresh start and good luck to them all. They don’t deserve your friendship, really. I’m not wasting my precious energy on them now.
Strength x

[Anonymous]

Hi Nodrama,

What a perfect name for this forum. I hope it’s your motto. Sounds like it, by the way you are moving on and not wanting to waste your energy.
I hope I can get away one day too.
Best wishes on your move xx

[Nodrama]

Hey Ocean,
Thanks for the message. I hope you get away too! I watched my mum suffer badly and was determined not to let it happen to me but it did and (detail removed by Moderator) yrs later I’ve finally acted on leaving. It’s so hard to do but think of your life, it’s not anyone’s but yours. Haha yes it should be my moto. My new rule is that there isnt any rules, after yrs of control. All the best x

[Highway61]

Hi Ocean,
It is confusing and painful and yes, I think the hardest part is realizing that he can continue to isolate you even when you no longer accept being isolated. Firstly, I learned not to care at all what his family or friends think of me because I know they will be fed a pack of lies and whatever I say I’ll be on the back foot and sound even more unstable than he has claimed me to be…forget them. The hardest part is realizing that people who you thought you could turn to, who would understand you and not him, are all to willing to believe him or at least question your experience. This is not just hard because you need support and they can’t provide it but also, in my experience, emotionally feels like being gaslighted all over again. Makes you question yourself and feel isolated again and so is really a continuation of the abuse. What I have learned is to seek support from the forum and I also have a very good counsellor, I hope you have access to similar support or seek it. but it is a lonely process. Keep on moving through it and remember you are learning every day about the people that you can trust and who you want to have in your life in the future. It is their mistake. Not yours. Strength to you. You decide who you want in your life, don’t chase those who can’t see you or show a basic level of empathy. Take care x

[Anonymous]

Hi Highway61,

Thank you for the reply. It was encouraging for me. You are so right about it feeling like gaslighting all over again. Definitely makes me question myself and it is isolating. And they are continuing the abuse. But you mentioned something we are free to do now, and that’s choosing who we want in our lives.
I also had a very good counsellor. She recommended this forum to me. And she left me with a lot more understanding.
Best wishes xx

[KIP.]

One of the big mistakes for me was allowing people to stay in my life way longer than they deserved x it’s a good lesson so be very choosy about who you allow and that includes close family members if it comes down to it x

[hammock bee]

Hi Ocean

I feel like I am at the beginning of all of this and have so much to learn from you all. My ex has just started his campaign of turning mutual friends against me. Starting with the parents of the children our children are closest to. Like you, I wish I could run away and start over but I can’t as my children are settled here. I want to be brave enough to cut the people off who believe him but, the same as you I feel so hurt and one of the reasons I stayed with him for so long was because I was so scared of losing family and friends.

I constantly question if he was right and it was all my fault. He talks to mutual friends about me then sends me abusive emails (detail removed by moderator) . It upsets me for days after and I spend my time constantly thinking of how I can make it all go away.

Sorry, I have no words of advice as I am really struggling with this too, just empathy and a similar experience

[Anonymous]

Hi hammock bee,

I’m so sorry you are going through this. The ‘smear campaign’ against me started when I became aware that I was experiencing abuse, and made the mistake of disclosing what I had learned to my ex. I think I still hoped there was goodness in him. And that if he knew he was causing harm, he would stop. Instead he started gaining a following of people to support his cause and make me look at fault or to discredit me. I knew he was talking at the time, but wasn’t aware of the ‘smear campaign’ tactic. I’m not sure there is any way to protect ourselves against this. It seems to me, people would rather believe we are crazy, unstable liars than believe these men are capable of such evil.
I hope you still have supportive friends. I have people who believe me and understand what my ex has done. I’d probably start believing my ex’s lies about me again if I didn’t have support or counselling. As someone explained above, turning people against us is like gaslighting. It definitely causes me to doubt myself and make me think it’s my fault. It doesn’t help that some professionals support the view that it’s ok to mistreat women under certain circumstances. In my opinion, either the man is capable of causing harm or he is not. It should not be dependant on the circumstances. Sadly there is a lot of acceptable victim blaming. I hope you are able to hold on to the truth, and not crumble to his tactics. If their tactics work, we are less likely to protect our children. And who else will protect them, if not us?
In a weird way, it helps to know we aren’t alone. But it’s sad that women have to experience this.
Best wishes xx

[Twisted Sister]

hi

it may be helpful to know that (detail removed by moderator) prevent further foulmouthed rot from him to any third party, or to try to make any other acqaintance act harmfully towards me.

[Anonymous]

Hi Twisted Sister,

I hope you stay safe. It’s terrible that they can turn other people against us to continue the abuse. I don’t think my ex has been able to turn someone against me in a physically violent way. But there are definitely people talking. And he has an advocate in a position of importance who is supporting his view. To the point that they overlook anything else disclosed to them that doesn’t match what my ex portrays himself to be. Even overlooking controlling behaviours and abusive comments. The same way they pulled the wool over our eyes, they do it to others.
I really hope you have the protection you need in your situation.
Best wishes xx

[Author]

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