He just won’t listen to me

[Seekingclarity1]

After been married for nearly (detail removed by moderator). My husband and I met through my friend who lives (detail removed by moderator). So he was my Knight in shining armour. He was the best thing to happen to me. Things were all fine, we got engaged, I got pregnant with my daughter and we got married.

Things before the wedding triggered some doubt in my head, he had a problem with drinking, he won’t admit it but he has to have a drink everyday. I spoke to him many times about cutting down and then I found out he was hiding his drink, once I found it I asked him and he told me it wasn’t him (detail removed by moderator), he blamed her. I found this really odd… other things happened where I found he was lying, he tried to make things seem like I was loosing my mind, that I was imagining it. As my children have grown up i have noticed how he treats my eldest two children (from my previous relationship) different. How he speaks to them, how strict he is, they don’t like been left with him as they say he makes them go upstairs in their room. I feel he has all the time for our daughter but not for my eldest. That is what’s made me feel enough is enough. Hes lied to me, accused me of cheating, comments when I’m on my phone, lies to his family members about me, has told people not to tell me things((detail removed by moderator) even though its nothing relevant or bad) he’s commented on my weight and called me (detail removed by moderator) whole I was in the shower, he’s threatened to commit suicide, he’s had all the locks changed on the house and given me 1 key for the back door but kept all the other keys as I can then never lock him out, he doesn’t like it when I go out, he always says he’s ill when I won’t give him the atte tonight he wants, also used my daughter and said she’s ill and I need to get home now, this is when I was at my friends having space away from him, he’s accused me of (detail removed by moderator) and har threatened u have until the count of 5 to give them me back, when I never bad them, he tries to take control of the arrangements I have with my ex partner about my children and will threaten to take my youngest daughter in the car so I can’t collect them. The list is endless. Now the marriage in my eyes is finished. I have spent (detail removed by moderator) saying the same thing that we are over and he just won’t listen. We live in a rented house, I am not named on the tenancy. He is going about as though I have no rights to this house. I want yo keep my children I this home. They live their home, put neighbours are their best friends, they have everything here. We gave up everything we had for him (detail removed by moderator) years ago. I feel I need to fight for what is mine. He insists on giving me a kiss before h le went to bed, I asked him (detail removed by moderator) , I felt it was invasive. He then threatened suicide. As I was asleep (detail removed by moderator) her forced a kiss on my head.. I’ve sent him a msg (detail removed by moderator)  I’ve tried to contact the landlord who has ignored me 3 times. I want to tell him my side and that I’d hope to stay here.

His reply to my message regarding boundaries was (detail removed by moderator)  I’m so tired emotionally. How do I make him listen to me?

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome. He was never your knight in shining armour he was a predator looking for a vulnerable woman. His next victim. He won’t ever listen to you or respect your boundaries because you’re dealing with an abuser. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven x I’d also ask the police using Claire’s Law to do a background check on him. Talk to your local women’s aid for support x abusers often accuse us of the very things they’re doing so listen carefully next time he accuses you. Keep a secret journal of all his abusive behaviour starting from the day you met x

[ISOPeace]

Hi there, I’m really sorry to hear what you’re having to cope with. It sounds very typical of controlling abuse (changing the locks, not respecting boundaries, threatening suicide, making you think you’re going mad, which is gaslighting, and a lot more that you mentioned My husband also used to do the “I’ll count to 5 and if you don’t do X I’ll do Y.).

Unfortunately KIP is right – you can’t make him listen to you. Abusers believe they are entitled to do what they need to in order to make sure their needs/wants are met. You can’t change that belief for him and it is highly unlikely that it will ever change. As well as the book KIP mentioned, I would recommend Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. When you understand why he’s doing what he’s doing you’ll hopefully have a lot more clarity on your situation (which I think from your user name you’re looking for 😊).

You’re emotionally tired because you’ve been emotionally battered and that is exhausting. Always picking yourself up, just to be strong enough for the next attack. I remember thinking how crazy it was, which made me feel like I’d never be strong enough to leave. But by focussing on leaving, rather than him and trying to work out why it was happening, I did manage to leave. That’s another reason why reading up on abuse is helpful, you stop spending all the time wondering why and what you’ve done wrong (which is nothing by the way).

I don’t know whether your concern is that he will stop you leaving, but please know that you don’t need his permission or approval to leave. He wants to control you and you leaving is the ultimate loss of control for him. Sadly that’s why leaving is the most dangerous time. If possible, try to keep your leaving plans secret and leave when he is out of the house. Don’t tell him you’ve left until you’re away from him and safe.

Be cautious about asserting your boundaries before you leave. I know that goes against typical relationship advice, but an abusive relationship is different. He has demonstrated that he has no respect for your physical or emotional boundaries and the more you try to take your power back, the more he will try to control you so the abuse will probably get worse. I’m not saying agree to everything. I kept coming up with excuses in the run up to leaving, which I think my husband was suspicious of but they bought be time. The best and only safe way to take your power back is to leave.

Sending love xxxx

[Camel]

Hi, welcome to the forum. Your husband is hearing you but choosing to behave as though you haven’t spoken. Now is the time for your actions, not words. It’s pointless telling him the marriage is over and expecting him to agree, move out, leave you alone.

Even if you managed to get your name on the tenancy agreement, you’ll then have the drama of getting him to leave. As it stands, not being on the lease is a blessing. There’s nothing stopping you leaving at any time.

I know you want to stand your ground but really, it’s only bricks and mortar. Look for something else in the same area, if you think you can stand living close to him.

If you’re serious about divorce you don’t need his permission to start proceedings. He may not listen to you but he won’t be able to ignore lawyers.

[Author]

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