1st July 2021 at 12:22 pm #128086
I’m still with my boyfriend because he’s meant to be trying to change his behaviour and is waiting to do a perpetrator program.
Most of the time things are great but we have a problem when it comes to sex.
I’ve lost my sex drive since I had a mental health issue a few months ago and my boyfriend had been mostly ok with that. He would kind of make a few remarks about not getting any but the last (removed by moderator) has really ramped up.
I’ve just had a procedure done downstairs and he’s making hints about checking it out with his fingers etc.
I dont know if I’m over reacting or not but I have asked him to stop pressuring me and he just carries on.
Its constant suggestive talking or groping and it’s really starting to get to me now
1st July 2021 at 12:49 pm #128087HawthornParticipant
Oh Marmite what a horrible situation you are in. Your body is your own and you do not owe him sex or any kind of physical contact. You are definitely not over reacting.
He is disregarding your boundaries; not respecting your right to autonomy over your own body, not respecting your clearly stated requests to stop pressuring you. He is showing no respect or care for your feelings or the fact you may be still in pain and are recovering from a procedure. He is demonstrating that his only care is for himself and having his needs met. I am not surprised your sex drive has dropped, how could you reasonably be expected to feel desire for a man who treats you like this?
Try to focus on his actions, rather than his words. He might say he wants to change, but what do his actions say? You do not have put your life on hold or give him another chance based on the vanishingly small chance that he will change. The sad reality is that these men don’t change their behaviour because they don’t see anything wrong with it, they believe they are entitled to have their needs met and it is our role to meet those needs without question or having any needs of our own. It is a belief issue at it’s core, rather than a behavioural one, and takes years of hard work on their part to change it. Ask yourself if you truly believe, knowing him as you do, that he is capable of that level of self-reflection, personal responsibility for his actions for his actions and personal growth.
Keep reaching out, living with abuse as you are is so very painful and difficult, and you need and deserve support. You deserve so much better than this. Take very good care of yourself and I hope you’re recovering from your procedure xx
1st July 2021 at 4:40 pm #128103
I get so frustrated because he knows he’s upset me but he just carries on like nothing has happened. There’s no apology or anything like that its literally like the conversation has never happened at all!
It makes me feel like what I’m saying isn’t being addressed and it’s just business as usual!
1st July 2021 at 4:56 pm #128105ISOPeaceParticipant
Marmite that really does sound horrible. I remember how my ex making suggestive comments made my skin crawl. I think he had no idea that his feelings weren’t reciprocated, because he didn’t really care. He wanted me to want the same as him, but he didn’t care how I actually felt. He only cared about what he wanted.
From what you’ve said, what you’re saying isn’t being addressed. He probably doesn’t think your upset is justified, so there is no need to acknowledge it or apologise. I’m sure he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. I’m glad that things have been easier while he’s been trying to change, but please do be aware that what he’s doing at the moment is abuse. He is completely disrespecting your rights as a separate person. xxxx
1st July 2021 at 6:04 pm #128107
Hes now come and said sorry but is basically feeling sorry for himself. He admits he knows he’s not in the right and he knows he’s meant to be changing but it’s like he cant sustain it and the problem is that no matter how many times I say its the last time I never b****y follow through!! I feel like he does it because I’m not strong enough to actually say enough is enough and I don’t know why I’m not strong enough! I’ve been in a relationship like this before and I ended it but I cant seem to do it this time.
I’m waiting to do the freedom program again but they don’t have a space for me to do it for a few months
7th July 2021 at 9:29 am #128388JUSTINCASEParticipant
I’d really recommend you buy Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven. It contains everything that is on the Freedom Project as she devised it. My ex did this and completely blank me if I intoated. Sounds like your stuck in the cycle where he only apologizes when he feels you might leave. That is how they keep you. It’s noting to do with how strong you are not being. He’s using every trick to undermine that strength and confuse you. Start writing a diary of everything you both say if you feel safe and able to. It will help you gain clarity and show the true picture of how he manipates the facts.
7th July 2021 at 2:46 pm #128409ladiesand gentlemenParticipant
What a terrible situation you are in, keep chatting it really helps.
Mine was like that too, its only later on that we realise this wasn’t normal, I have now had no physical contact for many years, after he assaulted me in the worst way possible
He also demanded sex just (detail removed by moderator) after my daughter was born, after a very very difficult pregnancy, and a precious child, after I had been told(detail removed by moderator)
He has NO right to your body, and NO right to make you feel so bad !!!!!
These wise ladies who are posting on here have so much to offer.
Take it easy with yourself x*x
7th July 2021 at 4:00 pm #128414KIP.Participant
The problem is not with sex it’s with his abusive and controlling behaviour. If it wasn’t sex it would be something else. They simply move the goal posts and continue to abuse. Perpetrator courses don’t work in my experience. If anything they learn new ways to manipulate.
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