15th November 2018 at 11:05 am #67102
So I took the plunge and told him after having some space that I didn’t want to be with him. I said it in a straightforward but polite way.
He acknowledged it and sent me 2 paragraphs about how I’ll regret it when I have a boyfriend who cheats on me and goes out without coming home and who can’t “handle my personality” etc.
I ignored him. Now he won’t stop messaging me asking to meet up to finalise it amicably but I really don’t want to see him. I can’t.
I said I didn’t have anything to say that I haven’t already said so now he’s calling me every name under the sun saying that way I’ve ended things after so many years and the lack of respect speaks volumes about me as a person etc.
It’s really getting to me and I do want to leave on good terms as I took out a loan for him that I need him to keep up with repayments, but I just don’t want to physically see him. I do have an agreement on the loan that he has signed though, but I don’t want it to come to the point where if he doesn’t pay (which I think he may out of spite) I’ll have to take it to the small claims court.
I feel like he’s lashing out because he knows he’s lost control, and he’s saying these awful things to try and guilt trip me so I meet up with him, where I think he’ll try and play with my emotions and try to convince me to stay.
I’m really not strong enough to see him face to face, nor do I want to.
I just want him to stop messaging me and leave me alone. He’s acknowledged it through text so why can’t he just leave it at that and move on.
Please help. How can I go about this?
15th November 2018 at 11:14 am #67103
Just to add, he has also said some nice things before stating that he wanted to meet him. About being thankful for times and hoping I do well for myself etc. But they were mixed in with saying I’ll regret it and so on.
So I just left it as I didn’t know what to make of it and felt like he was trying to make my mind tick.
15th November 2018 at 11:21 am #67104Anonymous
If I were you id leave it at that, listen to your gut don’t let him bully you into meeting him. I got this advice from the police. Send one text saying don’t contact me through this means please you will hear from my solicitor and this is how I plan to communicate with you from now on. If he texts back more than twice after that its considered harassment. If you however respond back and forth its seen as both being antagonistic and they wont act on your behalf. Don’t know if that makes sense? hope so try not to succumb to being emotionally blackmailed by him xx
15th November 2018 at 1:12 pm #67111IwantmebackParticipant
Hi Turquoiseskies, i dont think we can leave amicably. Maybe in some cases but the fear of being sucked back in is enough to stop most of us trying to get closure. He is lashing out, as would be expected in any breakup. Abusive breakups are different. Remember how he’s made you feel over the years, remember what you’ve done to keep the peace. You wouldnt be on here if you had a normal relationship. Ive spent a few years looking into why he’s the way he is, why ì allow him to treat me badly. It eventually led me here.
You are hearing what he says, he is threatening you.
With regards to the loan agreement, seek legal advice. If, it goes against you, expensive lesson learned.better paying off a debt than living a half life, the way you have been😞
There are debt management schemes, cab are great dealing with that side of things.
Sending strength and love to you
15th November 2018 at 5:37 pm #67115Sad sunflowerParticipant
Dear TurquoiseSkies, please don’t see him if you don’t feel strong enough, even if you do, it’s never a good idea to meet with an abuser after breaking up. They are so smart to pull us back in! I would advise going no contact and trying to stick to it. At first it is unbelievably hard, but as time goes on and you begin to realise you are so much better without him it becomes easier. I’ve been out for aprox. (detail removed by moderator) months and every time I’ve met up with my abuser I have ended up feeling so low, now I know better and feel so much better.
Keep posting, specially when you feel that horrible urge to talk / see him. We’re all here for you.
15th November 2018 at 7:05 pm #67116
I told him I did not need to see him face to face as I’d said everything I needed to say. I didn’t say I would feel uncomfortable as I didn’t want to give him that power over me.
He responded with how much of a pathetic little excuse of a human being I was and he said no wonder I have no friends.
It hurt, but my friends reminded me that he was only doing it because he didn’t get his own way and wants to hurt my feelings. But as I want me back said; it would be classed as harassment so I could report him.
I’m not the names he calls me and I do have friends who care about me, he’s just trying to hit my weak spots and make me feel insecure and bad. How can someone claim to love you then purposely put you down for their own pleasure?
I’m just anticipating more hurtful texts to come as this is what he’s done in the past.
15th November 2018 at 8:06 pm #67121IwantmebackParticipant
Hi Turquoiseskies, i think it is time to block his number. Or you could keep the texts, put them into a folder, you’ll probably know how to do that, i dont. I can do it on a pc just don’t know how to on a phone, and keep jyst in case you have to get a harassment order from the police.
Your friend’s are right, they sound brilliant by the way.
These men do it for power and control, and that’s it. Why who knows. Might as well ask why does it rain. Keep busy, thinking of him will ease over time. I’m so glad youve not been like lots of us on here and stayed with him for decades. Next time you see a woman so downtrodden, needing her roots done, no makeup on who looks 70 when she’s late30’s, think that you could be her. Not all women look like that, some can still put a face on for the world but one day you no longer can. 😪
15th November 2018 at 8:49 pm #67126FlowerchildParticipant
Hello, Turquoise, darling.
Of course he wants to see you! He wants to regain control of you and have access to your funds again. Why wouldn’t he?
But why would you want to see him? You’d like to end it amicably, of course, but that’s never an option with an abuser. That’s what regular people do, but he’s not a regular person, is he?
You want him to like and respect you but he isn’t capable of that because you’re not a real person to him, just a possession he’s had taken away and can’t play with any more.
He’s trying stick and carrot, sweet talk and name-calling, anything to make you take the bait and get hooked back in.
If he can keep you dangling worrying about the loan payments, no doubt he will. If you get drawn back in, you’ll lose far more than the rest of the loan, lovely.
You’ve ended it, you’ve told him you have nothing new to say and if he were a decent person, he’d respect that and not pester.
I think it might be time to go no contact and just block all the ways he can reach you. If he persists, that’s harassment or stalking, so don’t delete anything that does come through; it’s evidence.
He has literally nothing to offer that will enhance your life or increase your happiness. Nothing but trouble, pain and more financial complications!
Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and cut him off.
16th November 2018 at 8:08 am #67144GoggleeyesParticipant
Love the name by the way. Turquoise is such a beautiful healing colour. The simplest thing you can do is block his number in your phone. Give yourself the space you need mentally to cope through this time. Without having to see or hear his barrage blowing up your phone. Also, you can make a police report for harassment. Explain to police your circumstances, you’ve politely asked several times for your ex to leave you alone and he’s still contacting you. Show the police the abusive text messages. Make an official report, and listen to the police about your options. You could possibly press charges against him for harassment too. You need to protect yourself.
16th November 2018 at 10:34 am #67149Anonymous
Hi I’m so glad you didn’t meet him. 🙂
It might help to read the hoover effect in (detail removed by moderator) traits and tactics. Don’t stand for any of his c**p because that what this is it all about his needs. He’s thrown the toys out of the pram so to speak 🙂 Last night I sat down with my partner and looked up (detail removed by moderator). Its a long storey but my sister in law is a (detail removed by moderator) and is bullying his brother. None of the family have spotted this.When he read it he couldn’t believe it he exclaimed OMG this is her to a T! Hes now going to clue his brother up but I hope he dosent disregard it as psycho babble!
Read up on this behaviour and arming yourself with knowledge is power to deal with him (or even better not to have to deal with him!) xx
16th November 2018 at 2:06 pm #67154
Thanks for all the support. I would love to block his number but unfortunately I can’t incase he doesn’t pay the monthly loan payments and I have to get in touch.
16th November 2018 at 2:59 pm #67155FlowerchildParticipant
Turquoise, that is his only hook, don’t you see? Say he does default – and he well might – and you make contact, what would you say, darling?
He could string you along, make conditions, use the loan payments as a tool to force you to meet him…
If you make your mind up that the rest of the loan amount is a price worth paying to be rid of him, you can simply wait and see if the loan company gets touch with you to say a payment hasn’t been made and come to an arrangement with them to cover it. The person who persuaded you to take out the loan and then abused you isn’t going to care if you suffer, is he?
Let him get his hook out, bait it, wait for you to bite and be left waiting. Don’ t give him the satisfaction of jerking your strings and making you dance like a puppet. You took the loan out and you can’t force him to pay it, agreement or not, though he woukd love to watch you try, make you beg, see your distress, exercise his power.
Can you write it off to experience, take the loss and maintain no contact in dignity and power? It will pay handsome dividends in the long run!
16th November 2018 at 4:52 pm #67158FeelingDesperateParticipant
“He acknowledged it and sent me 2 paragraphs about how I’ll regret it when I have a boyfriend who cheats on me and goes out without coming home and who can’t “handle my personality” etc.”
I had this too, the exact same, he also said that I will meet someone soon and he would be left all on his own. I felt sorry for him. Now he has moved on super fast and I am just about hanging on to my sanity.
He too wanted to meet me even though he now has a new girlfriend, I said no and blocked him there and then as I knew if I wasn’t careful he would have manipulated me back into his web.
Hope you feel better soon xx
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