He keeps returning to my thoughts due to triggers and it's draining

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

I feel a bit worried about how much he is on my mind. I am not quite sure why he is and I just want to move on. How long does it take for them to leave your head?

I think there have been quite a few triggers recently and maybe that’s why. The weather changing and becoming cooller is reminding me of our early dates. I got out of jumper from my wardrobe the other day and it is a jumper that I bought during the relationship and wore a lot with him and it just sort of hit me in the stomach and I felt really sad and had to sit down. I remember how happy I was to buy this jumper and wear it on those dates feeling like I looked nice and feeling excited about this ‘great new relationship’ I thought I was in. It feels sad remembering how happy I was at first. I genuinely thought he was this really sweet, geeky, awkward, cute, genuine man. It’s still so hard to stomach that he was a pathological lying abusive psycho, it still sort of floors me at times.

I was going to wear the jumper to go for a woodland walk and I just felt hit by this sadness that I would be alone there as in the early days I used to enjoy having a partner to go on nice walks with rather than by myself for a change. I get fed up of going to the woods or countryside and seeing couples and families everywhere, it does my head in. It’s so hard being a single childless woman sometimes in a family-orientated society. I feel at peace being single most of the time, but would love to meet a genuine man one day, and it hurts seeing all these great dads with their kids, wondering why they chose their partner and why I don’t tend to get asked out by nice men like that, and tend to attract the controlling horrible ones instead 🙁

I felt irritable when I got home today and I realised it was because he’d been on my mind all day, like a ghost I was carrying around. I think shopping for my new home is triggering me as it partly reminds me of his home and it partly reminds me of trips I took with him to homeware shops. I always felt inexplicably depressed on these shopping trips with him and feel relieved to not feel tha heavy depression anymore, but it seems to have left a residual sadness. These shops seemed empty and soulless and far too bright and I struggle with the ‘what’s the point, who cares’ thoughts at times and have to try to lift my mood from sinking.

I think I find shopping quite empty a lot of the time because basically it is, it’s just consumerism, capitalism and materialism and is not where happiness lies. I also don’t want to buy more junk I’ll later have to declutter. Writing this down has reminded me to shift how I spend my time. I’ve only been shopping becuase I’m moving to an unfurnished place but I think I’ll limit the trips now and start doing more fitness and social activities as these usually lift my mood and with the upcoming move I have somewhat neglected them. It would be nice to meet some new people for a fresh start in my new place, maybe take on a small amount of volunteering again as well as paid work, I think that would make me feel so much better than hanging around depressing fluorescent lit soulless homeware shops!

Thanks for listening, I always find it helpful to share things I’m struggling with on here and feel like you all get it.

[Borntobefree]

Hi
I know how you feel .I my self have attracted the wrong ones ..and think what it would be like to have a normal relationship without abuse
I get so lonely. It would be so nice to date again …but this moment in time ..he still in my head every day .I just want him out of my mind for good . The only thing my ex has given me is the knowledge to never fall for an abuser like him… it would just be so nice for someone to hug me tight and say you going to be ok
.

[Serenity]

Hi Sunshine,

Your post resonates with me. I know what it’s like to go around repeatedly playing the past in your head.

I too am sick of the consumerist society. Ironically, after he left, I began wanting to spend a bit, because he’d denied us things for so long. But the thrill of that soon passed – I couldn’t afford it anyway!

I read a quote which said that there comes a point where you want to let go of all the things and ways you have accumulated and taken on during life which don’t reflect the real you.

I think if you focus on becoming your authentic self and following the things that make you feel truly alive and happy, you will find that your mind is filled with positivity and he will shrink in your mind. We were so used to being told that we couldn’t do things by our abusers. It’s like we can still be scared to do the things we love even after they are gone- like they are still watching over us. It’s the invisible trauma-bonding cord. Our abusers didn’t want us to be happy or to develop ourselves. Now we can. It is painful in a lot of ways, but I do believe that these abusers held us back. We can experience so much beauty, peace and magic without them.

[Tiffany]

Are there ways to make the shipping any more pleasurable or less triggering? Doing less of it is obviously good, but would it also help if you did it with friends or online. If you have craft skills could you make things instead of buying them, or upcycle old stuff? Also before you move is it worth going through your clothes and chucking anything that is triggering? I got rid of about 90% of my clothes when I left him and replaced what I needed to with stuff from charity shops and at clothes swap events. There were a few silk dresses which I couldn’t bare to put to a charity shop so I gave them to a friend with similar measurements to mine. I think the move will be a triggering time because it is stressful moving (even if you haven’t been abused) so try and be kind to yourself and look after yourself.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

Thank you very much for your replies. I think what gets to me is still that sickening feeling of horror when I realised that he was this dangerous abuser. The shock at the time was so bad, I remember screaming and feeling like my soul was dying like it was trying to leave my body, it was so scary. My mum rang the dr and wanted them to come out to visit me, I felt like I was going to die and couldn’t stop shaking. It was so scary and honestly the worst thing I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve had to deal with suicidal depression and a breakdown before I met him which was bad enough.

I still have that horror feeling now, although it’s much fainter. It’s usually accompanied by confusing conflicting memories of him being both ‘nice’ and ‘abusive,’ and accompanied by the thought ‘I can’t believe he was an abuser, how can someone pretend to be someone they are not all day every day for months, even years, how can someone lie to your face and be lying, cheating, deceiving, conning you and maybe even planning to kill you whilst pretending to be this lovely person who cares for you? How can anyone be that evil? Why has this happened? Why do people like him exist?’

Then I feel like I can see his sneering grin, this awful evil almost silent laugh he had where he used to narrow his eyes at me and they would sort of twinkle with glee. I still feel scared sometimes that he is hiding outside my window looking in, I’ve never seen him do this but since realising he is evil I worry about him trying to scare me.

I am so scared at how well he hid his true self. It still bothers me now, I still feel like another evil creature could fool me, they are absolute chameleons and so convincing. I often wonder, painfully, what he was really thinking of me the whole time he was conning me. It is so awful to think al the times I was sat with him cuddled up on the sofa, all the times I went to sleep in his arms, all the times I went with him on day trips, he was plotting and planning and deceiving? That is one of the worst bits of it, it still haunts me now. I just didn’t realise the depth of depravity some humans amongst us have. I thought creatures like that were rare and mostly in prison in America, not walking around working in normal jobs and dating people, hiding in plain sight.

He was so normal, so ordinary, quite boring really, not very tall, very unthreatening looking and cultivated a boyish sort of innocence. I thought he was this stable, normal, nice bloke from my area, a down to earth type. It still gets to me that he was this evil being in disguise. I quite like watching programmes about powerful good witches like ‘Charmed’ and I was thinking that he is like a warlock, with me being one of the good witches/empaths. In Charmed some of the witches end up dating warlocks in disguise too and are also fooled by them. I also saw a film from the 90s with Reese Witherspoon called Fear and in it she dates a guy who ends up being an evil psycho and like my ex and most abusers he at first appears really sweet and kind and lovely before becoming terrifying, violent and dangerous.

It’s just the shock and realising what I was in a relationship that I am still struggling with. I remember so many normal times with him, normal breakfasts, normal film nights, normal day trips out. Normal but punctuated by small incidents of abuse, thinly veiled insults, put downs and criticisms, several incidents of him ‘accidentally’ physically or emotionally hurting me, so subtle that I’d only start to question it a few days later (by which time he’d tell me that if something bothered me I should’ve brought it up at the time, like there was a time limit and expiry date on things I was allowed to discuss!)

Tiffany I have put some things on ebay that remind me of him. I had kept some things but the memories remain so I’m getting rid. I like that jumper and feel annoyed having to get rid of it due to him but I will consider it because you’re right, the triggers are distressing. I am glad to be moving even though I’m terrified too, because at least in the new place there won’t be as many triggers. I love making things so once I am settled in I plan to start sewing again and maybe make some nice cushion covers and tops, I’m considering not having a tv to encourage me to sew etc more instead, will have to see if it works!

[Tiffany]

Sewing buddies! I recently got myself a secondhand overlocker and am absolutely promising myself to get back into sewing this winter. I’m living with my parents and they have a big garden so I have been helping out with that in most of my free time, but harvest time will be over pretty soon and then I am going to make myself fabulous clothes to replace the ones I had to chuck. I don’t actually miss them as much as I thought I would. I was totally p****d about having to get rid of them, because I put so much effort into clothes when I was with him and they were nice nice clothes which suited me. Also they had nice memories attached as much as bad ones, but I think that was part of the problem. It was like the clothes embodied the abuse and the love bombing. In the end I just went through my wardrobe item by item and literally picked up everything. If it made me feel sick just touching it it went. If I was unsure I put it on and saw how I felt. Mostly I felt sick and out they went. I was left with plain undies, plain t-shirts, and jeans. But it means that I have really been able to remake my look and that feels good. I reckon I have spent maybe £100, over many months, and I have half a dozen statement pieces (and some new base layers) which make me feel good and have only good memories attached.

[SunshineRainflower]

Yes, I really need a sewing buddy Tiffany, I am currently a sewing island! I am definitely more creative than technical so maybe you can help me with some technical sewing queries as I like to design clothes myself to fit me properly, I made a nice skirt a few years ago after creating the pattern myself which was a proud moment considering my beginner skills! 🙂 I feel like the universe wants me to start sewing again as every time I order clothes they don’t quite fit, I don’t like a lot of the baggy clothes that are in fashion, I like a more tailored, feminine fit. We should start a women’s aid sewing group, it’s hard to find anyone local who can help me improve my sewing skills but I think practicing at home with youtube tutorials etc should help at least. 🙂

[Ladyglittersparkles]

Womens aid sewing group! I’d read the posts!
Positive outlet 🙂

My bobbing mechanism is out of line so keeps snapping needles 🙁

I’ve recently joined the freedom program and while I’m much mentally and emotionally stronger now, the classes bring up memories good and bad. I’m not sure if its coming to terms and addressing the past or just dwelling and remembering unnecessary moments.

[Tiffany]

SunshineRainflower, Ladyglittersparkles, I think we need a pact. New sewing projects go into a thread in positive moments – whoever gets sewing first can start it. I’m still meaning to do it and getting sidetracked by autumn garden jobs. Have made a tonne of jam and frozen loads of fruit and veg but that stuff should wind down soon.

[jackjack]

TRIGGERS – I once wrote on a facebook thread re when the lady DR WHO was announced. Someone jokingly put up an image of the Tardis crashed into a brick wall. I wrote something like “I dont like this as I lived with an abusive man for years and he told me i was not good enough and this triggers me”

Someone replied – “you continue to give him power over your life and your choices if you allow things to trigger you”
THAT BLEW MY MIND!
That was enough to make me choose to turn it around. Yes – there are triggers but you can let that gun be firing empty. It does not have to have that reaction in me anymore. It is ok to get that trigger feeling but check it – acknowledge it is there then tell it to do one! Your life is on the repair and is getting better day by day….you dont need that reminder of where you once were to pull you back into despair…you tell it that memory ” i remember you and i reject every ounce of helpless sorrow that you want to fire at me.”

I make it sound easy but really- it is about being mindful, hold it, look at it for what it is for enough time to understand it – then dropkick that feeling backwards into the past. It does not need to hang around in the present or the future.

I do not know if this helps but this is where I am at with triggers. Peace to you x

[jackjack]

Ironically -when i first left my abusive relationship i walked around looking at couples and thinking – pfft – im glad i aint got nobody to answer to and consider feelings for, what a hassle!

(detail removed by Moderator) on I am in a loving relationship and never thought id ever trust or care so much again.

Life has a funny way of changing and how you feel now will alter and fade and pass and new feelings will come in as you grow in confidence and peace of mind. Keep the boundaries, be gentle with your self and give your self time to heal. x

[Author]

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