He killed himself

[Bettychoc]

I can say this here as hoping some of you will understand. My ex killed himself at the weekend and I finally feel free.
I’m sad for him in moments but the abuse had reached an all new high of intensity. He was stalking me, created multiple email accounts to reach me, bombarding the kids, friends and family. Trying to have me charged with fraud. Blackening my name wherever he could. I was scared to be on my own in the house and I’d finally called the police to ask for help.
Then he did that. We are trying our hardest not to let it be the last bit of control as he had planned. Trying to forget the last messages and how awful they were.
We will not let this be the thing that defines the family we still are, me and the kids will be okay.

[maddog]

What a wonderfully insightful and brave post.

That he took his own life is nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with you. All his problems, his abuse, started long before you came along. You’re so right in saying that you and your family aren’t going to be defined by his behaviour. Abusers don’t stop until they’re stopped. This means either capture or death.

Although it may feel as though his death was his final act of control, if you step back, it was his choice and his decision alone.

There are lots of organisations in real life to support you and the kids if you feel you need them.

It must feel like a mighty relief that he can no longer threaten or harm you. We can’t control the behaviour of anyone else, and you’ve done everything you can to protect yourself and your children. It may be that he thought his death would make you feel responsible and burden you with guilt. You’re not responsible for the behaviour of another adult and you’ve nothing to feel guilty about.

It sounds as though you’ve been through hell and back. Now you really start to recover.

[KIP.]

Power to you. Lots of emotions are going to surface and I’m sure it will be a roller coaster but you can be sure he can’t harm you and your family again and you can stop looking over your shoulder now x not your responsibility x children may need some professional help to get through this so take all the help offered x

[Wants To Help]

Hi Bettychoc,

How are you today? I am glad you are now free, and I’m pretty sure that this isn’t the way you wished to be free, but alas, that was the way he chose it to be.

I’m pretty sure that your emotions are all over the place and changing from relief to guilt by the hour
Relief he is no longer in your life and guilt that you are relieved he is gone when others are devastated he is gone.

I agree with what others have said. His death is a direct result of his actions alone. Of all of the abusers who threaten to kill themselves if we don’t do x,y or z, there are a very small percentage who will carry it out. Whatever issues he had going on were too big and too much for you to be able to resolve and he could have chosen to seek help from professionals but didn’t. He is not brave or a coward for what he has done, he has made a choice.

It is human nature that people don’t want to speak ill of the dead, or think badly of the dead. Even if family members and close friends know what he was doing to you then they still probably won’t want to think or speak badly of him, so it is easier to put the blame on to someone else as the reason for these actions of his. Please prepare yourself for being the scapegoat here. Additionally, your children are going to be affected in many ways because even if he was scaring or abusing them with his behaviour towards you all, they have still lost their dad. I know it’s early days, but please accept all the help and support you are offered.

Thinking of you

xx

[Author]

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