He says I am the problem – is he right?

[Trefle]

Hello I’m new here. For the past (detail removed by Moderator) since meeting my partner I have cried almost every day. He has said some truly hurtful things and tells me that I deserve it because I annoy him.

I want to let you know that I am aware that I am far from perfect and probably a bit “quirky” in some people’s eyes. I have a hard time dealing with my self-confidence due to issues from my past and also with anxiety, depression and eating disorders. When I was looking for a relationship I was in a good place but had two small children to look after so was under a bit of stress. As a person I admit I am prone to being a bit scatterbrained contributing to disorganisation and lateness but it has never affected any relationships in the past nor has anyone ever used these traits against me because everyone has faults. I try my best. I am very sensitive to other people’s emotions and am most definitely an empath who feels things very deeply so my current partner often tells me that I am too sensitive when he says things to me.

My situation at the moment is rock bottom. I have never felt so low or cried so much in my life. I live in his flat with our (detail removed by Moderator) old baby and my two children. It is two bedrooms. It is small. He said before I moved (detail removed by Moderator) away from my home that we will move at the start of (detail removed by Moderator). He said he would support me going back to work. He bought my kids furniture and bunk beds and decorated their room. He took them places and spent time with them. To me he seemed brilliant.

After I moved in and had the baby he started telling me it was always my job to get up during the night because he was working but this also included weekends when he wasn’t. He said I could sleep through the day. I did. The house got messy so he started calling me lazy. I got upset and depressed because he wasn’t helping and had to do it all alone and I couldn’t. He would watch me struggle and reach breaking point and then tell me I was dramatic and over reacting. If I said he was selfish he would call me names and get up in my face.

The next day he would act like nothing happened.

It is worse now. He made me go to the doctors because he made out that my mental health issues were meanining that I wasn’t coping but I was. I was so happy when the baby was born but if I had known I was going to have to keep a perfectly clean house and look after a baby and two kids on my own whilst getting sworn at I would have reconsidered.

Now it is a daily occurance of him telling me to f off, shut up, tells me to go to my room, tells me I have to move out with my kids and I’m not getting the baby, tells me I have nobody that cares about me, makes fun of me, mentions mistakes I make over and over like a backlog of ironing or one day I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t clean the house well enough. Tells me his mood is all my fault. He moans about how he has to pay all the bills but I stay at home all day to save on childcare, I said I would work weekends to get money but then he contradicts himself and says he doesn’t want me to pay any of the bills and that I’m not allowed to work because the weekends are his to relax. So I’m not allowed to meet friends or have a career or money. I have to stay home all day, buy myself one thing from (detail removed by Moderator) at the end of the month and the rest of the maintenance from their dad goes on food and clothes for the children. He says it’s his money and he won’t have a joint account with me. He gave me xmas money to buy the boys presents and one day he decided I was bad so he took it off me so he was bringing my kids in to it.

I asked for help with the baby tonight and he went off on one. He isn’t working tomorrow but has a night out so is getting his hair done…he started the usual mimicking my voice, telling me to go away and shut up, watching me get upset and cry and laughs about it, told me I’m useless and can’t handle it, says I have to phone the council tomorrow because he doesn’t want me here anymore. Tomorrow he will act like it didn’t happen. I feel so insecure and alone. I am starting to believe I am all the things he says I am and like he says I am the problem because I’m useless and all I do is moan. I do everything for him but it’s never good enough I actually have anxiety attacks before he comes home from work in case he thinks I haven’t done enough.

I’m sorry for the long post. I’ve kept this all to myself for a year it’s only recently that I wondered as to whether it maybe wasn’t all my fault.

[Janedoeissad]

Hi Trefle

Welcome to the forum.

You’re home situation sounds horrible. What an abusive and selfish man he is.

Have you contacted the women’s aid helpline? They are so, so helpful.

You are doing an amazing job in very difficult circumstances. You sound like a brilliant Mum who is trying her best.

Please keep posting.

Sending hugs

J x

[IrisAtwood]

No. You are not the problem.

You are living with an abusive man.

You are exhausted and depressed because of his behaviour.

As Janedoeissad suggested call the Women’s Aid helpline and keep posting here. You will meet lots of women in similar situations and get the support and advice that you need.

[KIP.]

Welcome. He sounds exactly like my ex who used to be abusive then tell me it was my fault because I was too sensitive. Please contact your local women’s aid. Google the cycle of abuse. Gaslighting. It didn’t matter how clean my home was he would just change the goal posts and or simply make something up (Gaslighting). My mental health spiralled because of his behaviour, my anxiety and depression. Then he would use this against me telling me I would never get custody etc. Just like you are going through. Eventually I had a breakdown. Couldn’t work. I can tell you that he is one hundred percent responsible for your mental health problems. Abusers make themselves feel good by keeping others down. Belittling, nagging, humiliating. Women’s Aid saved my life. They can find a refuge for you all and help with housing and benefits etc. You do not have to live this way. As you say he is the only one with a problem with you. Does he treat anyone else this way or just you? My ex knew exactly what he was doing. Only abusing when the door was closed which proves he is calculating. Read your own post back and think what advice you would give that lady. Our self esteem and self confidence are so low we need lots of help to escape safely. Start with the helpline or your local women’s aid. Read ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. Hang in there. You deserve better x

[duvetday]

Hi Trefle,
I answered your question before reading your post- NO you are definitely not the problem ♡ you are with an abusive person and you don’t deserve any of what he is doing to you and your kids. Keep posting here and learn about abuse. Get help from the national domestic abuse helpline and your local domestic abuse service if/when you feel up to it. I’m really sorry that you are experiencing all of this. x

[Borntobefree]

Hi hun

No you are not the problem he is
I had a lot of insecurities when I met my ex and very vulnerable.. he new I was a broken women
It never fazed it .. I was trapped with a n********t evil person..
As an empthay person I feel things very deeply

And he used that against me .

You are a good person he does not deserve you

Sending you hugs x

[Trefle]

Wow you all have no idea how muc better I feel after hearing your thoughts. Thanks for replying. I really do feel alone, he is already beginning the usual routine of pretending it never happened. I know if I try to discuss how it makes me feel when he talks to me that way it will just begin all over again..@KIP I watched a couple of youtube videos relating to the book you recommended and it really was an eye opener. Why I have never seen that I was just an object to him before is beyond me. I am here to serve him! “The rules” are exactly how I live my life…and it is true you never know what they are. Cooking, cleaning, name calling. He is a true bully. Really thank you for telling me about that it is so helpful.

Thanks again for your kind words – although I don’t know any of you you have really made a difference to my feelings about this. It is so confusing with him switching his moods all the time. Xxxx

[ConfusedAgain]

Hi Trefle

I have just come out of the exact same situation which is excalating, if you go your doctors, tell them how he makes you feel and note down everything somewhere private. I am going to go for an occupation order to get him out I have left with a small child and wanna get back without hime there.

He always moved goal posts about cleaning
not empathetic when i was ill and moaned about the bed not being tidy , cos i was just on sofa all day. it was a one off.

they want everything spotless and hate things ‘laying around’ .. yet he didnt mind leaving things around after he cooked in the kicthen, not allowed to have the washing up liquid out , or if i left the siurface dettol out after wiping down still would be a drama, its horrible feeling oh gosh i have an hour to make sure my babies toys are away when he comes home otherwise i feel the tension which affected my anxiety massively. when you go to other mums house theres toys everywhere and their fella dont bat an eyelid.

took away money cos i wasnt behaving and is trying to strip me of everything now cos i have left.

Reading your post has helped me realise he is an abuser , i minimised it and thought maybe i was ‘too sensitive’ or not good enough. and your post just confirms its not normal, when i read it from someone else and think gosh how awful , hold on this behaviour sounds familiar…. why am i allowing it when someone else says it and i find it disgusting for a man to behave that way. Does that make sense?? its so strange, but keep strong and not everything down. He also threatened the whole taking child away and telling ‘them’ i was mental and had mental issues.

Who are ‘them’?

I hate these men they are so cruel and get off on bullying women who are so beautiful inside and out because truth is they feel s**t about themselves and want to reflect how they feel on to other people, is treating us like this a ‘manly’ thing to do? thinking about it , shows they are week.

Shine bright hun, do not let him take your sparkle, be one step ahead .

sorry for the waffle , still getting it out of my system xxxx

[Trefle]

You poor thing. Every now and then he throws a bone at me (by bone I mean acts of kindness) but it doesn’t last long. My grandparent died on (detail removed by Moderator). My car broke down. My anxiety is through the roof. If I go to the room to lie down to try and gather my thoughts he will shout through about how he is so hard done by to have to hang washing up or help with his child. I have a rubbish job a few hours a week because he won’t let me work but constantly complains that he has to give me money and tells me I’m ungrateful. I’m grieving my grandad and this morning I had a bit of a breakdown about the state of my life and all he had to say was that I was moaning ad started calling me a thick bast***. I started crying asking why he would say that to me and he got angrier and said you’re also a cow add that to your list of names I call you. He said it’s my fault because I annoy him. He said I “take take take” money because he had to help with the car but he won’t let me work? I don’t understand
We are supposed to be a family bettering all our lives and working together. How can he stand there and almost enjoy how upset I am. I told him I didn’t want to be here anymore and he said if he’s leaving he’s taking the baby. When I got upset he started repeating “shut up” and told me to go away in the shower because I’m useless and take ages to get ready. Now I’m sitting in the bathroom crying with the door locked and he knows how upset I am but he doesn’t care. How can he call me those names and say those things and watch me suffer?
He’s been threatening to go to the doctors to tell them that I’m crazy as well.
I hope that you get the help you need. It feels so lonely to be trapped here and I imagine you are the same. The whole tidying situation is exactly like mine. You are not allowed a day off. At this moment in time I just want to curl up in a ball. Everything feels like it’s going wrong and I want nothing more than to go home to my family to feel safe again but it’s too complicated to leavee to stay strong.

Please don’t let this man break you. I wish we could meet up so that we could be strong together. Life is hard enough without this.

Sending love your way xx

[Author]

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