He says I’m controlling him?

[Sungirl]

We’ve been arguing about how to parent our children. I think he is too strict, reactive and shouts a lot and then takes their phone away etc. he’s often not present or hone so manage things. This is for minor thing. He says they have to ask him now all the time if they want to do anything. We had a massive argument about it (removed by moderator). I always try to discuss things calmly but he got so angry. He said I’m controlling him, I’m always pulling him up on stuff and not letting him parent the kids. He said I’m always nagging him. For the last (removed by moderator)weeks I have not asked him to do 1 thing around the house, I’ve expected he generally doesn’t and I’m just focusing on getting things done myself. He said he knows best as (removed by moderator). I can’t stand it. I said I’m their mother (I’m also  (removed by moderator) he just laughed at me. He said my way is obviously not working. I ended up crying which I have been trying not to do. I was doing so well and then I feel I’ve just put myself back 10 spaces by trying to discuss how to move forward. Sometimes I feel like I’m speaking another language he doesn’t get what I’m saying at all.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Sungirl, you may as well be speakkng another language as he is chosing to ignore you and your wishes and will continue to do so. You cannot reason with an abuser as they are unreasonable and want everything on their terms. I notice you explain how calmly you speak to him yet he still gets angry, you are not responsible for his reactions, that’s all on him as nothing you do will change his responses as you are not the problem, he is and he will not accept responsibility for his behaviour… Also you say how you tried not to cry, like it is a bad thing, you are human and crying is a natural healthy thing to do (my ex never cried, I don’t think he actually felt remorse, he would speak at times as if he he had remorse but those were empty words as his behaviours remained the same).
You may as well be speaking in a different language to him as he will not be listening to you, he will be finding new ways to remain in your life.
If he won’t listen or respect your boundaries maybe ring Womans Aid for advice?
You sound reasonable, caring and a decent human being… this is about him not you, altering yourself around him will make you feel worse as you are squashing yourself to try to keep him calm… that’s not your job and he will not change. What I have learnt along this journey is that I am only responsible for my behaviour, my abusive husband also accused me of being controlling, manipulative, aggressive amongst other things, he was transferring his actions onto me!
Keep safe ❤️

[Sungirl]

Thanks for this. The reason I was trying not to cry was because I constantly try to do explain and reason with him, even though I don’t get anywhere, and I get so upset and frustrated. I’ve been telling myself not to do this as it upsets me so much. It’s like re-traumatising myself but I can’t just leave stuff. He will happily walk away and ignore me for days but it’s like an itch I have to scratch, I want to talk about and resolve things. He just acts like he doesn’t care which upsets me even more. It’s just so confusing

[StrongLife]

I agree. It’s hard to parent. Even without domestic violence- they say all types of things to degrade, talk over you, do such strange things. It’s hard to manage.

My kids are grown now. I ended my relationship with ex some yrs back and have no contact.

[Author]

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