He says the problem is my anger

[soconfused2]

For many years my ex said that the problem was my anger, that I needed anger management, that sort of thing.

I thought he was right for a long time. Now I’m wondering if actually I wasn’t an angry person and that I was just trying to resolve issues and he would not listen, stonewall, give the silent treatment, walk away. I would then get so frustrated and react (not physically, mainly just trying to get him to engage but occasionally shouting). Then it would all become about my reaction.

I worked really hard at not getting angry towards the end of our relationship but it didn’t seem to make any difference. He would
Just ignore me saying he had to because he knew how i would react.

Not really sure why i’m posting. Just doubting myself i suppose. How am i supposed to know how bad my anger is? Does any of this sound familiar to anyone?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi soconfused2

Continually shutting someone down, stonewalling and such tactics are abusive. Someone who will not discuss anything has control right?

There are times that its necessary to keep yourself out of a situation, not because you are being abusive, but because someone is actively trying to goad or start an argument, or refuses to listen to your points but shouts over you, or continually goads.

To let someone know that you feel continually stonewalled and that no discussions are ever had and that then continue is abusive. Its very controlling to always stop the other partner entering into discussions over relationship and partnership issues that need resolving.

You are bound to get frustrated and pretty desperate, and yes, angry, about that. Someone can only take being continually prodded and poked at for so long before needing to combust! Always shutting you down does the same.

The trouble is that when in abuse you will be blamned, whether its for being quiet, for being noisy, for having a voice, for not having a voice, for having friends/family, for having a good time, its all always going to be wrong. They will always find something to blame you for.

I don’t know if that helps any, but don’t be fearful of your anger its healthy and makes us brave in tough situations where we can use it to help us through difficult challenges.

warmest wishes

ts

[StrongLife]

Yes, stonewalling, blaming survivor rather than himself

It’s not your fault in anyway.

Sorry this is happening to you. You deserve better.

Thanks

[Author]

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