He says (detail removed by Moderator)

[Stillherebutnotme]

My partner got drunk (detail removed by Moderator) and started his rants. I went to go to bed to avoid it all then his phone rang and he told me to get it. It was (detail removed by Moderator). I got upset, he drank more, started on me about all sorts of issues and it ended up with him (detail removed by Moderator) and physically assaulting me. (detail removed by Moderator). This was on and off all night. He took my phone, wouldn’t let me leave. Told me (detail removed by Moderator). In the end I had to apologise to him to make it stop.
(detail removed by Moderator)
Now a few days later, he’s angry that I’m still upset by it, I (detail removed by Moderator). He does make plenty of threats to really hurt me, I’m just waiting on it if I’m honest.
I have tried to end it so many times and he won’t let me. He says he loves me but I don’t believe him, this isn’t love. The mental abuse, the name calling and yelling and being angry all the time was bad enough but now this. It’s the worst he’s ever hurt me. I don’t know what to do any more. I keep wishing he’ll change and I know that he can’t. I feel stupid and stuck and tired and I wish he would just go and be with someone else. He calls me names and makes jibes about my appearance, I honestly don’t know why he’s with me. It would hurt if he left for someone else but it would be an end at least.

[Lisa]

Dear Stillherebutnotme,

It sounds like you feel really trapped in this relationship, understandably so because of his serious threats. It’s horrible that you feel you are waiting for an assault even more serious than you’ve already endured. Unfortunately he is not going to change, take responsibility nor leave of his own accord. So it is up to you to try to work towards a safer and happier life, which you so deserve. I know this can feel impossible when you’re so tired, confused and scared, but there is support available, for you to access at your pace.

Please consider using our Live Chat to talk to a Women’s Aid Support worker in confidence about your situation. Support workers will not tell you what to do but they can give support, practical information, and discuss with you any options that are available based on your specific circumstances.

Alternatively you could contact your local domestic abuse service to see what ongoing support they can offer you.

You may find it useful to take part in The Freedom Programme. It is a 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence against women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK.

Keep Posting, there is always support for you here.

Lisa

[Hereforhelp]

Hey Stillhere, what a horrible man to do these things to you, he is a nasty abusive man and you are right, he doesn’t love you. Have you read living with the Dominater by Pat Craven, it is a good book to start with. Also, can you see a female GP to talk to? Womans Aid chat or if safe maybe phone them? I also emailed my citizens advice bureau who gave me a lot of help.

He isn’t going anywhere, even if he met someone they usually stay and see the other woman/women. If you can start to get some support for you, without him knowing, you will find that there is a lot of help. Keep posting on here if you can as there’s lots of lovely women who can help too ❤ I am so sorry you are going through this, it is no way to live but there is a way out when you are ready ❤️

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Stillherebutnotme

you speak so much sense in your post and it sounds so very painful and traumatic what is happening to you that I’m not surprised you have come to the conclusion he must hate you and this is not love. Its true, it is hatred and not love, but equally I understand why it would hurt for him to be with someone else too, as you have been connected emotionally to this man, who you now know will continue to hurt you and not stop, but it still hurts to break that connection, or to see him with another woman.

All that you are feeling is normal for this abnormal situation you have found yourself in. You are not stupid, he’s made you feel this way and a good many other things I’m sure. Its just like any conman makes those he manipulates and deceives feel stupid for believing and so on. He is continually manipulating to you, and the biggest leap forward that you have made is to see through his web of deception, this is the strongest step on your path to finding yourself again and being safe.

You’ve already had the links to other places that will support you, I just wanted to come by and offer support for your scarey situation and for you to know how well you are managing in the worst of situations, and how brave it is to reach out like this.

We are all here for you, so do keep posting as and when you can and connecting with all the women here who understand what this is like. You deserve so much more than this.

warmest wishes

ts

[Shazza]

Hi stillherebutnotme,

I’m so sorry to hear all that you are going through at the moment. It sounds very distressing and frightening. You do not deserve to be treated like this, you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Remember that none of the things he calls you and says to you are true. They are said to cause you pain but they are not true.
If you can, reach out to some of the helpines that Lisa has listed above.
We are all here for you anytime. Keep posting x

[Anonymous]

I learned in the freedom course that abusers minimise what they do/say and how they treat us yet they over exaggerate things we do or say, somehow we end up apologising for their bad behaviour and it’s just not right, if your ready to leave there’s always escape plans and refuge, he’s manipulated and brainwashed you into staying because he’s obviously getting something from the relationship and enjoying the control he has over you with his entitled attitude, leaving is “your” choice not his (although it is safer to not let him know of your plans should you do so) but it’s “not” his choice, they cause an imbalance of power so we feel not
secure enough to leave but he needs you to feel powerful and good about himself but what are you ever gaining or getting from this relationship? and your right this isn’t love, it’s sick and twisted and you don’t have to stay and tolerate it anymore
🧡💕🧡

[Bananaboat]

You end your post with I don’t know why he’s with you. Two things- isn’t the important question why are you with him? You won’t see that right now thanks to point two – he’s with you because he can behave like this. Think of him as a parasite feeding off you, the victim. He’s sucking away your power, confidence, happiness, money probably and your life. The cycle of abuse, the highs and lows keep us trapped. He won’t change – he won’t see why he should. Unfortunately abuse escalates so there’s a high risk of worse abuse so please get support, this isn’t love and you don’t deserve it. Nothing you do or say will ‘make him better’ x*x

[Bananaboat]

Oh and don’t fall for drink being to blame. Does he attack every person he meets after drinking? No. He chooses to drink and he chooses to abuse you. Thinking to yourself if he just stops drinking we’ll be ok won’t work x

[Author]

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