He scares me

[cloudyday]

My abuser is emotionally abusive. He has never been physically violent but is verbally very aggressive and has destroyed my clothes and property. When he gets in a rage he also rips up his own clothes and destroys property. He makes very violent threats about what he would like to do to people that have crossed him and he speaks of very violent acts and also sexual degradation. It makes me feel physically sick. Even over Christmas he was verbally making threats about my family as they all hate him and have nothing to do with him. I said that if ever he did anything he would be arrested. He spoke once of a fight he had a long time ago (detail removed by moderator). I was scared and disgusted by that and yet here I am still with him, we do not live together. When he is verbally aggressive to me I am really frightened. Ive heard about Clares Law through this forum and I am going to find out if there is any history of violence. I reported him to the police over a year ago but didnt take things further. I was too scared to ask about his past history and didnt know about Clares Law at that time. How could the charismatic, sweet talking guy I first met have descended to how things are now.

[cloudyday]

but as Ive written this post Im still plucking up the courage to call the police. The thought alone scares me. Will they help me or will they fob me off?

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Cloudyday,

He sounds very abusive and scary, please keep safe. The threats and the kerb thing are absolutely horrible and frightening. If you ring the police, insist on spekaing to the domestic abuse team who understand the dynamic, as the regular police can be hit and miss in terms of their understanding of it and therefore can at times be unhelpful. Clare’s Law is a very good idea to explore.

Ring the helpline too and talk through options.

[cloudyday]

Hi SunshineRainflower

Thanks for your advice. I will call the helpline and also ask to speak to domestic abuse team. Thank you.

[Serenity]

I think, for your own safety, it would be good to find out if he has any previous convictions.

He may not have any. But that doesn’t mean he’s not capable.

What you are feeling is the anxiety of wondering what he might do- or what he would be capable of- if you don’t play things his way.

It is the fear of what they could or might do that keeps people in abusive relationships. That vague fear of what they are capable of, that it’s somehow almost safer to stay in the relationship than leave. But the damage that is being done to you by staying with someone who scares you is very real.

It’s great that you don’t live with him. I would ring the Women’s Aid helpline and they may be able to put you in touch with local support to help you remain safe.

[cloudyday]

Hi Serenity

Yes you are right. It is the fear of what he might do that keeps me in a constant state of anxiety. He is almost always angry and there is always the underlying fear that he is a violent person. I don’t trust him at all. This constant anxiety is making me ill. I don’t live with him even though he has been pushing to move in for months now and gets really abusive and angry because I put him off without actually saying no outright.

Ive been told my blood pressure is high when I went for a recent hospital appointment and was advised to get it checked at the doctors. I think it is the anxiety. I was on anti depressants but I came off them recently may be I shouldn’t have. I have put myself forward for counselling. It will be the second time. Last time my counsellor offered me help with my situation as she was worried for me. At the time I declined. I think it will be good to see her again. I will also ring the Women’s Aid helpline. Thank Serenity

[Lisa]

Hi Cloudyday,

I just want to show you some support. Your abuser sounds very frightening and abusive. Your gut is telling you that he is dangerous so please listen to it. No one can tell you what to do, you have to do what you think is right for you and only you know what he might be capable of but I do hope that the Police would help you. They could issue him with a warning (or a more serious outcome) and you could also get in touch with The National Centre for Domestic Violence http://www.ncdv.org.uk who can talk to you about injunctions. You could also think about going to a refuge if you feel that he would become more desperate and abusive once he knows you are ending the relationship. Your local Women’s Aid group should be able to help and support you.

We are all here for you so please phone the helpline and let us know how you get on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Modeator

[cloudyday]

Thank you Lisa and everyone on here for their help and support. I will definitely seek the help I need and also get in touch with the Police. I’m fed up with living like this. I will let you know how I get on. x

[Author]

Posts