He still controls me

[Hopefulsoul]

I have been trying to leave my husband for about (detail removed by Moderator) months. He has been looking for a rental property since then. He would find something, show and agree it with the children, and then change his mind. He finally signed a lease (detail removed by Moderator) ago and said he was moving out over (detail removed by Moderator). He refused to take anything from our home and bought other items and had it decorated. He still didn’t move out. We talked and agreed for him to move out (detail removed by Moderator) ago. He didn’t. He finally started sleeping there (detail removed by Moderator) ago after taking a few clothes, some glasses and (detail removed by Moderator).

Since then he has been home nearly everyday. I tried to organise (detail removed by Moderator) to agree him having our youngest child on certain days after school. It wasn’t enough or he complained it is one sided. Essentially, as normal nothing is ever good enough. He still hasn’t taken any things. Our (detail removed by Moderator). He is calling her two to three times a day and when he comes to the house goes upstairs to her room. He doesn’t listen to her wishes or my message to give her time as she is very stressed. She wants little to do with him due to his behaviour towards her.

I feel he has not really moved out. It is a facade. This feels more oppressive than when he was sleeping here. I am going to arrange to meet him at a coffee shop to tell him to arrange a time to collect his things and to tell him the boundaries needed around staying out of our martial home. I feel I need to step up and protect the space around myself and my daughter in particular . I continue to feel guilt for not doing enough sooner. For context, I have left him for worsening long term covert coercive and controlling behaviours. He has disclosed suicidal thoughts to our older children and said he has a (detail removed by Moderator) diagnosis. All to control and play the victim. We are at our limit. I just feel exhausted and broken. I think I am making small amounts of progress, to then realise I have made no real progress at all. This is taking years.

Does anyone have a similar experience or suggestions for help?

[sweet4]

Yup me, he told me he had (detail removed by Moderator), when my (detail removed by Moderator) passed away with (detail removed by Moderator), as i left him once again, he even asked my (detail removed by Moderator), if the drugs where the same as the ones, my (detail removed by Moderator) had taken, that was (detail removed by Moderator) decades ago, and still dealing with him, seperated, again, so you are not alone, you will find, many ladies on here, with the same ongoing issues. Keep posting.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Hopefulsoul, yes my husband also would not leave our marital home, he made up any excuse, he would go into our (detail removed by Moderator) room and play games 🎮, he would say he had to shower at home, he even used my parents home for his own needs until they said no more, that made him nastier towards me… in the end our (detail removed by Moderator) told him not to come in as by that point I was too unwell.
He used my childhood trauma to try to get me to feel sorry for him, he claimed (after decades!) That he also had been through X, Y, Z… I knew he was lying, he said a family member of his had died (which was a lie), suicide threats (which I informed his GP about, then he threated suicide again so I rang the police to ask them to do a welfare check.

If he doesn’t collect his things is there anyone who can help you with this, a friend or family member? From my experience with my abusive husband he wouldn’t go even after separation, I tried to talk to him as a responsible adult but he wouldn’t stop.

I wouldn’t let let him see our children when he claimed to be suicidal as I wouldn’t let anyone who claimed to be suicidal alone around my children…

If it is a jointly owned home and he continues could you speak to anyone? Local Women’s Aid? Rights for Women are good if you need some legal advice? Also I found my local Citizens Advice Bureau to be helpful and just reaching out gave me some strength to move forward..

We are some time out now… haven’t had anything to do with him for a long time.. it took my children around a year to start to talk about their dad and what impact living within an domestically abusive home has had on them..they both had therapy to help them understand. Now we talk openly about red flags, gaslighting etc as I had never been taught so I didn’t know… I wanted my children to know.

Be prepared for lies/manipulation if you do meet up.

Keep pushing forward, I understand your exhaustion … the build up to separate is huge and takes a lot to get to the point of separation only for him to trample over yours and your childrens boundaries and do whatever he wants to do.

HFH ❤️

[Hopefulsoul]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. I’m so sorry for what you have been through. We are stronger than we realise. Writing things down and reading other similar stories feels positive.

I have since spoken to citizens advice and a local IDVA. They have given me some good advice, and gave me the strength to book a free session with a solicitor. I feel low and exhausted, but a lot more optimistic. I can see again the progress I have made. Thank you so much. I wish you both the very best xx

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