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I’ve had a steady trickle of verbal abuse from him for a while now but it’s mostly been small digs or digs disguised as jokes and gaslighting. Just general whinging at me and blaming me. I lost my temper with it though and made a massive error in calling him out on his behaviour and it backfired badly.
After a long verbal attack where he was mimicking me and refusing to accept anything I said he started making threats to (detail removed by moderator) so I stormed after him and sort of grabbed him to stop him. This happened a few times. He then started threatening me to get off him and as he turned to me his (detail removed by moderator) but I had backed up. He didn’t touch it. He then denied his (detail removed by moderator). He threatened to call the police on me to have me sectioned. Said I had put my hands on him x amount of times tonight when he hadn’t laid a finger on me. He said the police would interview us both and that abuse goes both ways. That he would be telling the truth and I’d be lying. Apparently I (detail removed by moderator).
It was like he turned into a monster and when he started getting his phone to call the police I had to just say I agreed with him to calm the situation. He had told me that (detail removed by moderator). I stopped but he went to call them again so I begged him not to and quickly put on an act and said about trying again and that I hated to argue. He was suspicious as to why I had suddenly changed and said (detail removed by moderator). But it did de-escalate things so I just put on a front to stop him.
I’m worried now because he can tell people I put my hands on him. I didn’t even hurt him I was just trying to stop him. I was the one who was scared not him. He had been drinking which probably made him worse. He had a smirk on his face at times when this was all going on.
The comment about the (detail removed by moderator). I don’t want him to see me cry as I don’t trust him or what he will use against me. His memory of events is astonishingly clear wheras I lose track of what he said or did and forget easily.
He’s been ok since the incident and said he was sorry for what he said but he did also say I had a part to play in it.
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My ex used to make me become a person I wasn’t. They push us so far and twist everything. The spotlight is back on you which is where he wants it to be. Forget about your behaviour and concentrate on his. This kind of behaviour is sport for abusers and they love it. You can bet he will be telling people that you put your hands on him and he nearly had to ring the police. All this behaviour is designed to paint him as the victim to disguise his abuse. He now knows that threats to ring the police works in controlling you and threats to abuse your pet works in pushing you to breaking point. You can bet he will use these tactics again. Can you use this episode to help you understand how abusive he really is, and how damaging he’s being to you. Do you really want to stay with someone who treats you this way?
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I don’t want to stay with him and have known for a while now there is no future. It’s just been hard processing it all and obviously the times he’s his nice, happy self have made me feel guilty again.
I know I shouldn’t be suprised he could be so cruel with that comment but it has upset me. I told him when we first got together as I thought he was someone I could confide in and trust but all he’s done is use it to hurt me. He was the only person I’d ever told x -
Hi @Gettingtired,
I also opened up to my partner and told him what happened in my last relationship the whole story of being cheated on and how I didn’t trust or like women very much, I am weary of them. He then used this against me in different arguments. He would say no wonder why your ex cheated on you if you was like this with him, do you not think I have other options available to me, his been cheating on me… He used to wind me up and show him downloading dating apps onto his phone as he didn’t want me anymore wanted to find someone else.
xxxx
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Hey, that’s horrible of him. Shifting the blame onto you. Mine has done the same sort of thing, telling me I never like other girls (well how do I have female friends?!) and how I stopped him from having friendships with them.
The insecurities I had in the past were due to things he did (and low self esteem on my part) and I’m not suprised you felt insecure if he cheated on you and threatened to go on dating sites. It’s ridiculous mind games x*x
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Threats to have you sectioned and about your mental health is gaslighting. If there’s anything wrong with your mental health it’s injuries causes by him.
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I don’t agree that talking therapies won’t help. I agree that you probably won’t be able to resolve the root cause while you’re subject to the abuse but you can learn to manage the anxiety better. I’ve experienced that myself. You could find that CBT (maybe plus medication) takes the edge off the anxiety enough for you to be able to concentrate on leaving. Xxxx
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It was disappointing because it took a lot for me to reach out and the assessment was hard for me to talk about it all.
I also reached out to a local charity because I don’t have a local women’s aid and they told me he might need anger management and suggested Relate. They said they couldn’t help me because they’re for women at high risk of violence. I can’t deal with ringing anyone again to be honest. I know I’m not being strong enough as I should keep trying but I can’t right now xx
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That sounds like a really horrible incident. I can also see the classic behaviour of an abuser. You react understandably to his threat about your pet but he cannot tolerate your strength/anger/feelings so he escalates things to force you to back down.
Putting your hands on him to protect your pet is not abuse. Did he feel threatened? Imagine if he were trying to attack your child and you tried to stop him physically. Would that be abuse from you? No! The pet situation is very similar.
I looked up getting someone sectioned and the person has to be a risk to themselves or others. You clearly are not and he can’t prove that you are. Add to that the huge pressure mental health services are under, it is just not going to happen. It’s a very cruel thing to threaten. It must also be a common one so contact women’s aid or the national domestic abuse helpline if you’re worried.
The sexual abuse comment is him bringing out his big guns. Please remember that it is all about his desperate need to control you. He has zero empathy for how that comment affected you. He only cares about his needs being met. If he had another partner he would use whatever her most sensitive issue is. It is no reflection on you and means nothing about your past or who you are now. He saw a sign that his control was weakening and he did everything he could to crush you emotionally. Unfortunately how you’re feeling now shows how effective it can be and why so many of us are stuck in the cycle of abuse.
Him saying you played a part is classic refusal to take responsibility. Whatever you did does not excuse this wildly cruel and threatening behaviour. Insisting you say you played your part is another way of saying his behaviour is justified and getting you to validate that.
He remembers things more easily because he is not in the FOG of abuse or stuck in freeze.
Sadly he has shown at least how far he will go to maintain control. Maybe he would go further.
Sharing here is a way to help process what’s happening. Reading up on abuse (again if you already have) will help too. Stay strong and remember this is all about him, you’ve been caught in the cross fire. Sending love xxxx
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Thank you, your comment has helped me see a bit more clearly. This is why I know I could never, ever have a child with him. He threatened to harm our pet before and I told him he would be like a Father who threatens to drive the children off a bridge or something.
He even made a comment last night about when are we going to have a baby (he has no job and drinks/uses drugs/uses people for money). I think he knows deep down I wouldn’t want one with him but he just asks me to make a dig.
I feel stupid because I comment on other people’s posts on here to never confront an abuser and that’s what I did so I shouldn’t be suprised it all bl*w up.
I’m just feeling hurt by his comment even though like I said I shouldn’t be suprised. He’s made a comment about it before but not so direct and nasty as this time. I should never have told him but that was (detail removed by moderator) and was thankful I had a boyfriend to confide in as I’d never told anyone else. Xx -
I haven’t taken all the advice I give! I’d like to but it’s not easy. It’s also much easier to see someone else’s situation more clearly because youre not submerged by all the c**p. I think giving others advice can help you see more clarity for yourself too.
It’s ok to feel upset by what he said. You’re human after all. Allow yourself to feel upset but when you feel like you’re stuck in it or drowning in it or wondering how he could say that, remember that he used whatever he could to quiet you. It’s common for abusers to seek out your vulnerabilities and use them against you. You can feel upset and not give your power away to him. He wants you to dwell on it to keep you stuck. Xxxx
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Oh GT I’m so sorry he has done this to you. How traumatic. I’ve nothing to add the the above ladies great advice, just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and lend some support.
Sending a virtual hug xx -
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Hi so sorry for what you’re experiencing. I’ve been there. Could you try recording these incidences so you can hear how he is and the trajectory of what happens. You will see i am sure, that it really isn’t you. Mine used to do this to me, so covertly, with a smile, he knew full well what he was doing. Would grab my wrists really really hard apparently to “restrain me” but I know he put all his force into it to hurt me, beyond any attempt to “restrain” when I didn’t even need restraining. They feel vindicated when this happens. They get their n**********c supply from this . They are horrible people. Call him out next time and get the police over. I would. Or call the local line yourself and explain what he is doing. Its good to get it recorded for evidence down the line.xx
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Thank you. I have recorded him before when he was on one of his venomous verbal attacks. It’s there on my phone but hard to listen to again sometimes (although I have listened a few times since). The verbal attack is all him saying how cold I am towards his problems, how I don’t give a d*amn about him so it could sound reasonable to someone else. I don’t know.
I don’t want to have to call the police (I would if I thought he was trying to kill me) because as bad as it sounds I’d be embarassed by them turning up and a tiny part of me wants to protect him (even though I know that’s stupid).
The comment about the sexual abuse incident from when I was a child I confided in him about was the most hurtful. He is the only person I’d told and he’s done nothing other than use it to hurt me.
The only good thing is that comment has shown me he really doesn’t care and made me feel more justified in leaving. It’s beyond me how someone could say that to their own partner. Xx
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It all sounds so familiar. My ex did call the police and have me arrested for punching him with my magic hands which leave no mark and feel no pain. He had punched me, once splitting my lip and another time, blackening my eye. Every officer in custody told me I must make a statement. They also said that if I had lashed out, it would have been a long time coming. Please remember that abusers are consumate liars. If he thinks you hit him, then in his mind you did. Their reality is so distorted and it’s not worth trying to communicate with them. I think you’re realising that. Well done!
The police won’t speak to him unless they absolutely have to. It’s very unlikely to be the first time you tell them what’s going on. They also won’t come crashing into your home.
I’ve been thinking for a while about how I protected my ex. I was compromised. I colluded with him. I paid his way out of problems, I supported him in his appalling behaviour.
Please contact your local WA and your GP, and anyone else involved with your life. Above all, take his threats seriously. Abusers can’t stop and won’t stop until either they’re stopped or they’re dead.
The Domestic Abuse service on 101 can guide you towards local help and support. They’re not police officers
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Hi I’ve seen a few people on the forum say how they ended up getting arrested. I don’t trust the police would help me as he’s so convincing and has no criminal record.
Do you think it would help me to tell the domestic abuse unit of his threats, in case he does actually call them on me next time?
I have colluded with mine too, constant excuses for him that have meant my mental health has deteriorated.
He has started on me again tonight about another matter. I want to move out but he never leaves the house without me so I don’t have a chance to get out without him knowing. After the last episode I don’t trust what he will do. I’m so anxious and miserable x -
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Oh honey, it is hard to stay positive when you are being abused like this. Are you able to leave the house without him? It sounds like it would be helpful for you to get some help form your local DV charity.
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Thank you for the support. I tried a local DA charity a while ago but the lady suggested he needed anger management and that I could contact Relate. She said they couldn’t help me personally as they’re for women at high risk of physical violence. I know I could try again but I’m drained and I guess they’re only going to tell me what’a been said on here which is that ultimately I need to leave x
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She was wrong. Asking the last time he was physical isn’t a risk assessment. Men can go for years without being physical. Sometimes it’s only one physical act and that’s enough to keep us under control. The threat of it happening again is enough. Some men are never physical until they murder. She was wrong. The national domestic abuse helpline is available if you need to talk to someone but you know him better than anyone. You may not have been physically abused because you change your behaviour to suit him to prevent it x
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Whether or not your partner needs anger management is nothing to do with you. Most couples counsellors don’t understand the dynamics of domestic abuse, and may well make the situation far worse for you.
It’s so important that you have a safety plan in place to leave. It’s awful that you were so badly advised by someone at your local WA. This kind of thing needs to be flagged up.
We often underestimate the danger we’re in. Abusers don’t have boundaries. Please keep reaching out. The Domestic Abuse team on 101 will be able to advise you. Please call them when it’s safe.
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I kept thinking about this post Gettingtired because it made me really sad to think of the poor response you had to bravely reaching out for mental health support. Have you tried any medication? It doesn’t solve the problem but could certainly help you feel more stable while you get ready to leave. Just remember a lot of them take a few weeks to work and in my experience the improvement is gradual.
I also found a charity that offers counselling for women experiencing domestic abuse. Even if you’re not ready now, maybe you can look them up sometime. They should be able to offer much more suitable support, although I don’t have any experience with them. Link here https://womanstrust.org.uk/
It won’t be a linear journey so even if you feel really down and weak now, don’t give up hope. You have more strength than you know. Taking baby steps is enough. Sending lots of love xxxx
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