- This topic has 22 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I got talking to my ex (detail removed by moderator) and he says he misses me, I’m his soul mate and regrets that we’re no longer together but is happier now that he’s left (detail removed by moderator) . We were supposed to be moving abroad but he beat me up days before we were supposed to fly. (detail removed by moderator)
He said he wants to see me. My first instinct is to shout yes and work out how we can get back together but I know it’s probably not a good idea.
He has many issues (don’t they all) and he drinks a lot. He said he has been sober for (detail removed by moderator) months but also mentioned that he was having a house party. I know he can’t resist alcohol, especially in that kind of situation, so he probably hasn’t changed.
I really miss him and I seem to be forgetting all the bs he put me through. Has anyone had a positive experience meeting up with their ex?
-
Hi there. Abusers don’t change. I read once that abusers only want to get close enough to slap us again. Keep this in your mind. Also, when someone shows you their true self, believe them. My advice would be to go total no contact. Block, delete and lose his contact details but keep any evidence like txts or emails when he admits to breaking the law by assaulting you. You have had a very lucky escape. Run for the hills and keep running. Don’t believe a word he tells you. Concentrate on your own recovery. You’ve been through an awful trauma. Speak to your GP. Google ‘trauma bonding’.
-
-
I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea to meet up and he is pretty adamant that he wants to see me so I don’t know what to do that this point. He got in contact again this morning saying he will be coming to see me over the next couple of months.
I have been trying to do the No Contact thing. I was doing well (detail removed by moderator). I didn’t respond for (detail removed by moderator) weeks but cracked when he sent flowers to my office and emailed my friends. I have blocked him in everything possible way (FB, Twitter, Instagram, Linkedin, Google+, my work emails, blocked him on my phone, deleted his number…) but his emails still come through (detail removed by moderator) l and I’m not strong enough to not look at them.
I’m really struggling at the moment. I really want to see him even after all the BS he has done to me. I looked up the trauma bonding thing and it makes a lot of sense but still doesn’t stop me from wanting to see him.
-
I have had no contact with my ex other than through email for (deatail removed by moderator) weeks now. He also says we need to meet up to finalise matters for our children. I have an order stopping him from coming to the house. So confused as i still miss him. He has went to his gp amd is now getting treatment for depression amd anxiety. Thought leaving an abusive person was supposedto make you happy!
-
Tiredone, he’s making sure you’re going to be thinking of him over the next few months. Has he given a date or does he expect to turn up out of the blue unannounced? If it’s the latter you’re going to be on edge waiting.
You’ve told him you don’t want to see him and he’s still trying to push your boundaries. -
He hasn’t given me a date yet. He just said sometime in the next couple of months he would like to take me to dinner or go for a walk. We would spend the day together and I’m guessing would leave it at that…?
I spoke to someone from DV charity and they said I should stay with a friend for the next couple of days in case he just shows up on my doorstep. It feels a bit drastic. He only got violent when he was drunk and angry. I don’t feel like I need a restraining order because he’s moved to (detail removed by moderator) now. Also, I don’t want to get him into trouble.
I feel like I’ve blown this whole thing out of proportion. The time and distance makes me feel like maybe I made it all up and was being sensitive like he said. I don’t know. I’m so confused.
-
HI
THis is exactly what he wants for u to feel like u took things out of proportion adn build nup the excitement of when u willnext see him, remind yourself why u r not togehter cause he beat u up, these men dont change , they will say everything we want to hear just to get us back, please do not meet up with him, u have to fightevery muscle in your body to
keep away from them , they dont change no matter how much we want them to
-
He’s hoovering you up. Please stay strong and don’t allow him in or meet up. Try to be around other people as much as you can. It seems an impossible situation I know but he really can’t be trusted. This is how they operate. I know it hurts and you want to see the good in him.
I tried to put myself in the position of the third party ie what if I was my best friend, what would I say to her? Don’t let him back. He’s dangerous and destructive. Remember what he’s done
Please think of that x
-
‘He beat me up’ – he’s crossed the line – there is no return T, there is no it will change, no it will get better; please do not let this man back into your life. Letting go of the dreams we once shared is hard, and part of the ending, there will be new dreams one day. Love and abuse never go together – those who love us do not hurt us – stop listening to him – the lines he’s feeding you to get you back – the lines he uses to control you to win his game. Start listening to yourself T – this does not feel right for you does it. If it doesn’t feel right then it isn’t.
-
I’ve been reading so many posts on here and my experience pales in comparison. He never punched me so it wasn’t as bad as some as you wonderful ladies have had it. There were bruises but they weren’t big and faded quickly. It wasn’t constant either. He only put his hands on me 3 times.
The advice I give me friends and the advice I take is completely different. I expect a higher standard for my friends and family and don’t feel like I deserve it myself. I am disgusted by how you’ve all been treated but I think it’s acceptable treatment for me. Double standards, right?
He’s the only man that has claimed to love me so I’m finding it so hard to let him go. I’m still love him. I don’t feel strong anymore. To be honest, I never felt strong.
-
-
You are not pathetic. No way! You’re strong and you’ll get to feel less miserable as time goes on.
Never ever minimise your abuse. It doesn’t matter if he’s not beaten you black and blue and raped you time after time, emotional abuse is abuse and it’s just as bad as the “visible” sort. It’s just harder to understand unless you’ve been through it.
Many of us here haven’t been beaten but we’ve all been abused one way or another and we won’t judge anyone.
Keep positive you’re doing the right things just keep going with no contact. It’s the only way – honestly it is.
Much love and a great big hug x*x -
To have his hands on you three times was three times too many. That’s not love.
For me, the pain of a punch lasted as long as the bruise took to fade. I still carry his words that I’m fat, ugly, useless, pathetic…(I could go on).
All abuse is damaging and shouldn’t be minimised.
You deserve so much more x -
For me T, the beatings and scoldings in childhood washed over me – it was like I could take those somehow without effect? But the psychological and emotional abuse stayed with me over my lifetime, I can see now how it spilled into each aspect of my life and informed all of my decisions; how I ended up being abused again by my life partner. It infuriates me when some professionals or folk think that abuse is only bad when it gets violent, as to me – its the emotional pain and the psychological scars that have been far worse to live with than any beating – although I was never beaten to a pulp I might add.
My abuser is the only man I have ever loved who I thought loved me too; as hard as it is to face acknowledging that he did not feel the same as me, that he used the word love for control and manipulation to meet his needs, facing this is much needed and you will be ok. Love doesn’t come with a cost. To love and be loved is to feel loved for being you. Its awful to come to terms with this, I know, took me a while as I didnt want to let go of the false belief ‘he loves me’. Do some more reading around abuse and love T. Free yourself form feeling tortured flower – it can be done x
-
Thank you all for your words of encouragement. My friends and family have been great but they don’t understand what I’m going through. It’s been a massive help to talk to all of you incredible women. I’ve been reading up about abuse for the last 6 months but it doesn’t stop how I feel about him and the situation.
I just had a meeting with a DV charity worker and I feel numb. I had to go through my relationship in minute detail. She asked me a lot of questions about things I hadn’t thought about or didn’t want to admit to. She told me that I’m a high risk case and she is very concerned about my safety. She also told me I’ve been raped. I feel numb. I feel like I just need to shut down because this is too much to deal with. It’s too overwhelming. I don’t know what to do.
-
-
Sounds utterly dreadful T. Yes it seems like a big jump from your earlier post. Take the time you need to process what has been said, what of it makes any sense to you, but there is a balance to be found in lone time to think, to rest and to be with those who love us. If you start to feel distressed by your thoughts call, see someone, a friend, family or the helpline. Numbness maybe your emotions saying I can’t process how I feel about this right now? And that’s ok, it will keep. We have all employed denial on here to get through – it is shattering when we see reality for the first time – shocking and dreadful to deal with – but you will deal with it when you are ready. Keep posting flower and keep safe x
-
I wasn’t expecting it to be so full on today. I was just going to talk to them about the repercussions of meeting up with him.
I can’t speak to my friends and family about this and haven’t had the best experience with the helpline. You all have been really supportive so thank you very very much.
-
Hi Tiredone,
I am pleased you are finding the Forum supportive, please do keep posting as much as you need to. You are doing brilliantly, try to to be kind to yourself and take as much time as you need to talk about what you have been through.
I am sorry to hear you did not have a good experience with the helpline. If you feel speaking to someone would help then please do consider calling again and hopefully you will have a better experience. The Helpline Workers are there to offer a listening service as well as signpost you to other useful organisations depending on your circumstances.
There will always be support here- you don’t have to go through this alone.
Best wishes,
Lisa
-
-
He keeps saying he wants to make amends and to be friends. He sounds pretty set on coming to (detail removed by Moderator). I have said no twice now but he’s insistent and I don’t feel strong enough to keep saying no.
The no contact thing has gone straight out of the window. We hadn’t spoken for a month before this and now we’re having full blown conversations every other day.
Everything the DV worker said about him being a (detail removed by Moderator) etc. is fading into the background. Everything he’s saying is making it even harder to stop making excuses for all the other things he did to me. I’m overwhelmed, still in love and confused and can’t handle this anymore. I just want the whole situation to end. When does it stop hurting?
-
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
