He was always so sincere and self aware in his apologies …

[velvetmoon]

I’m quite certain what I went through is abuse but it felt a lot more covert than anything I’ve ever experienced, and my ex was always very kind and self aware when he apologised. This makes me feel like police won’t take it seriously if I try to report it or if I even speak to anyone in general. I feel like they’d look at the messages where he apologised and just dismiss it as mistakes as that has happened with something else I tried to report in the past.

He had branded me with love bites (detail removed by moderator), when I spoke to him after he said it was immature of him and that he just thought it was a joke, that he never meant it in a “malicious” way. He said he’d give me time to think and seemed genuinely sorry. But things like this kept happening again. He hit me very hard on my side, he said it was just meant to be a playful smack and that he didn’t mean it etc.

I’ve dealt with abusers giving fake apologies and honestly this time around it was so much harder to see it for what it was simply because he took full responsibility.

There’s other things he did that he never apologised for though, because I never had the courage to call him out on it. He tried to coerce me into doing stuff because he said I “owe” him for him buying us lunch. He used to say I need to “earn” things from him, he never actually specified what I needed to do, it just felt like I had to keep up with these invisible demands. He elbowed me so hard in the chest one evening because he didn’t want me seeing some dodgy red pill content on his phone.

it’s just so hard because I know he’s able to take responsibility but the behaviour doesn’t change, (detail removed by moderator)

[Karisqq]

It may be a good idea to see what’s his apology for, although he’s sincere, does he know his fault and really plan to change his behaviours, or he just uses it to trap you and continue his behaviours? And also, how you feel, do you feel comfortable with him, and do you feel safe? It’s often that if you don’t feel right, it isn’t.  Seeking help is tough since some ppl may not be the right one, it takes some time to find the right people, but don’t give up, hold on hope, and take care and be kind to yourself, I’m sure you’ll find your own way at the right time, it’s the matter of time. Sending you strength x

[Texas]

Hi,

I agree with the advice about clarifying the apology.  Ask him what he is apologising for, his response will tell you if he understands what he has done and the impact on you.

Buying you things to get something in return is cohersion, which is abuse.  So is elbowing you in the chest.

You don’t deserve any of this. Check out the Bloom course – that will help you understand what abuse is to give you knowledge as to what you might do next.

My thoughts are with you x

[Author]

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