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I feel absolutely terrified. I don’t know how to live now. My whole support system has been taken from me and I feel like there’s nothing left. And I don’t know how I’m going to survive and live and make money and feel like I’m a normal citizen again. It feels like I’ve just lost everything- my compass. Before, I knew what I was and what I had to do- I was a wife who had to keep a husband happy and now I don’t have that purpose anymore. I had a distinct direction to my life- I didn’t question it, I never questioned what I wanted, I just went along with him… and now life just seems very scary. I don’t know where I’m going or what my reference point is anymore. Everything I always believed was true turned out to be a complete lie- because he didn’t want me. He didn’t love me, he didn’t respect me. Even if it was a lie, at least I had something to strive for- to get him to love me. Within that life, I was comfortable in a strange way because he was making all the decisions- I never had to take charge or start to look at what was right for me. But now that I’ve left, I don’t know what’s right, wrong, who I am, what I want, what life is. I have no compass. He was my compass. I was so brain-washed that I wasn’t capable of making decisions. But before I met him, I did have a compass. I was an independent woman. I had my own car, a job, a place to live. And I was doing ok. And then slowly, he whittled away at everything until I became dependent on him. I started to believe I was a rubbish driver, I couldn’t make decisions without him, if I found a new hobby he would laugh at it, he would make out I was mad, he would make me doubt my decisions on clothes- often disguised in a joke. I wasn’t in charge of the finances and I would always feel guilty about spending any money; I would buy my clothes from charity shops, he would buy his brand new. I never questioned this imbalance.
After having left my husband, I also realised that my relationship with my parents was very poor. They didn’t get me or understand my decision to leave him. When I tried to repair our relationship by addressing their abuse as a child, they made me feel like I was doubting my truth. They have no sympathy for what I am going through after leaving my home, my possessions and everything I have ever known. I feel that they don’t approve of what I did in leaving my abusive husband. I feel that they think I should have just stayed with him and coped. I made the decision to no longer have any contact with them at the beginning of the year because I felt like I would never be able to heal unless I cut them out of my life- I would always be living by their reference point and second guessing my decisions.
So now I am completely on my own apart from my daughter and son. I don’t have close friends. And no parents who love me. I feel like I’m free-falling through space and I don’t know where I am going. When you’ve had n**********c abusive parents, you’re enmeshed with them, they look down on any other way of living. I feel like I need my parents approval still but they disapprove of my choice to leave my husband.
I hope that in time I can start seeing new life ahead of me. At the moment it’s not there. It feels so frightening.
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bless your heart, i can 100% understand exactly what you have described & how you feel, honestly i do
because after ending my decades long relationship, i also had to appreciate that my mother had exactly the same personality disorder & had been abusing me in the very same ways
it makes sense now that you gravitate towards the same kind of relationships as adults after it being all you knew
its sounds like you are in a very similar position to me, but that you are incredibly lucky to have your lovely children
i felt not only did i lose a very long & important relationship with my ex but also having to severely reduce contact with my mother – seems such a lot to cope with all at once, especially when you are alone, isolated & without friendships to support you at such a painful time
the only thing that is helping me is my counselling, as she specializes in this particular abuse. its also been good to read as much as i possibly can about it. and i have found kindness & understanding from women on this forum, too – even when their experiences & situations have been quite different
like you, i have absolutely no idea who i am now & yes it all seems terrifying at times
its just going to take time to learn about ourselves & who we really are – but we can & we will get there. i think we just have to be as patient as we can & not look too far ahead into the future. try concentrating on each day, getting through it as best we can, & appreciating the little things
but please know that you are certainly not alone with feeling the way you do
sending the biggest hug in the world ever x -
Hi wildgeese,
First, welcome to the forum. I hope you find this a safe and reassuring place to share your experiences. As you can see already from minimeerkat’s reply, you are not alone in how you are feeling in all this. Many women here will understand what you are going through.
Being in an psychologically abusive and controlling relationship over time, can mean we lose our sense of identity. Remember what you have expressed; you are very much someone who can thrive independently. You can and will get back in touch with that true version of yourself. It’s important to get the right support to help you achieve this. Coming here and sharing your story is a good step forward.
You may also want to engage with your local domestic abuse service and see if they can link you to counselling. They may run group or one-to-one support sessions themselves too.
You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at
Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.The Freedom Programme is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK.
You could also try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200, or visit their website.
I hope this information is helpful to you.
Take care,
Lisa
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After I left I vividly remember a moment stood in my bedroom having not a single clue what to wear. I’d lost my whole identity. I didn’t know what to watch on tv, couldn’t make a decision (and there’s loads when you first leave), still jumped up to clean or look busy when anyone else (kids) walked in the room. But slowly, but surely it came back. I found cooking and music big helps, slowly that morphed into finding tv & films and a few years down the line I’m starting to look at my home & get design ideas whiteout his voice in my head. Initially a lot of what I liked was stuff pre-him and I then had another hurdle which felt like realising my actual age now and what in earth should I like or do now – big like I’d been plonked in a different time zone!
He wasn’t your compass lovely, think of him more like roadworks and pesky diversions which took you on a wild detour. I know it feels incredibly hard right now, but you’ve got a blank sheet of paper and got rid of people who weren’t good for you, remember that when the blues kick in. As already said don’t worry about looking too far forward now, build the foundations and live in the moment initially, then the rest will come. Enjoy experimenting xx
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The loss of identity..yes I remember that feeling and at that time it was terrifying… I had to take each day hour by hour…
I thought I would be the old me again, the woman before I met my husband who had a job, social life, confidence etc… after decades of abuse I lost myself completely, I couldn’t make a decision! … it takes time but I am now slowly getting to know the woman who I am today.. I eventually joined some walking groups and have made a few friends who have nothing to do with my husband which has helped me lots.As Bananaboat has already said… he wasn’t your compass, he was an anchor pulling you down… I understand what you mean with the familiarity of the life you had with him and that can feel like a sense of security as you were used to that life even though you weren’t happy.
You deserve to be happy, to get to know yourself as the woman you are now. Please be kind to yourself
HFH ❤️ -
Thank you to you all for your wisdom and compassion.
I feel both supported and more optimistic.
I agree he wasn’t actually my compass but an anchor pulling me down.
I also agree that I need to live hour by hour and to ignore people who ask about the future.
Thank you so much, these kind of conversations give me HOPE that things will get better. -
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BB, I can’t love this quote enough! “He wasn’t your compass lovely, think of him more like roadworks and pesky diversions which took you on a wild detour.”
HFH, this as well: “he wasn’t your compass, he was an anchor pulling you down”
WG, I’ve been down in the dumps for a couple of weeks, now going into a 3rd week where I haven’t felt well enough to work. Its not just the break up and realising how awful he’s been to me weighing me down… there’s been a few deaths within my friends group (this month has been so harsh there!) on top of trying to manage one of my children’s mental health issues. And then of course is that final blow: I don’t even know what I like to do in my free time! Do I even have free time after sorting or mourning all these things?
So I’ve just been trudging by, ensuring the essentials are taken care of for now. Still chipping away at restructuring finances (and trust me, service providers and government agencies hadn’t made that easy). And still it feels like I’m just repeating the pattern of repressing what gives me joy to give way to what needs to be done, all the time, so that it feels like I just exist, rather than live. Its no wonder I’m feeling burned out.
But this won’t last forever. This too shall pass. And that’s all to say, you’re not alone. Xx.
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