24th February 2016 at 3:23 pm #10333
Hi there i am New on here although have been looking through sites on abuse for a long time now.
I’m trying to think of a way to condense what’s been happening to me over many years and to know if it is really abuse ( which in my heart I know it is , but just not 100% able to trust my judgment). My partner of (detail removed by moderator) years , one child together age (detail removed by moderaor) & I have two children from a previous marriage (detail removed by moderator).
It started with little things like telling me to go away as I was getting on his nerves ( lots of swearing with that too) over the years it has progressively got worse and worse. In the past he has
Taken car keys so I can’t go out ( so I just used the bus instead)
Taken my phone
Left me restaurants told me to leave a restaurant, of course lots of shouting and swearing at me in the restaurant.
If I go out he will keep texting and calling , shout at me down the phone
Call me all the names under the sun, tell me I’m ugly ,useless , mentally unbalanced, not a good mother no good at relationships not a good daughter and so on and so on. This is all done while I have to sit in which ever room I have been trapped in at the time whilst he shouts at me for hours and hours at a time. Calling me the c word always really upset me but now it’s not as bad it’s just more words to try and hurt me. He’s a very heavy drinker and can get very nasty. He’s locked me in the back garden before and gone to bed himself. he’s kicked my front door in when he’s been locked out then proceeded to get me out of bed while he shouts at me because he was locked out another few hours of listen to it just waiting till he passes out so I can go back to bed. He goes through my phone my emails my draws wardrobe bag everything he’s even been through the bins to find out thing, not sure what he thinks he will find. This was happening more and more often he would stay out all night come home the following day and start this was weekly. Now I have told him it’s over and I don’t want to be with him any more this was in (month removed by moderator) , every day since I have been told I’m selfish I don’t care about the family , what about him I’m going to leave him with nothing why should I have the family he’s put time and money into this. He will change he didn’t realise the damage he was doing I can’t give up on (detail removed by moderator)years and I should give him another chance I will never find any one who loves me like he dose oh and the best one I don’t have the right to make the decision it’s over.
I feel like I’m going crazy he won’t leave ( it’s my house). And feel like I’m being emotional blackmailed into staying with him like he’s trying to wear me down until I say yea lets try again but I can’t it’s taken me so long to say it’s over . Thank you for reading this I know it’s very long and properly reads like it’s just a few rows but it’s more than that x
24th February 2016 at 4:04 pm #10334Winterblues2Participant
Firstly, well done for recognising the abuse for what it is.
It is a common tactic for abusers to try to emotionally blackmail you into returning into the relationship but do all you can not to fall into his trap.
Is the house mortgaged in your name? If so he has no right to be there. It may be worth speaking to CAB or a solicitor to find a way to remove and exclude him. x
24th February 2016 at 11:14 pm #10382
Yes it is my house my mortgage , I gave up work when I had the baby and now he pays for everything so not sure what will happen there . But first things first him out then I can sort the rest out
24th February 2016 at 9:03 pm #10355LisaMain Moderator
Thankyou for sharing that with us. It sounds like you have been enduring the abuse for a very long time. For perpetrators, a relationship is used to exert power and control over another person. When they fear they are losing that control, as mentioned they will use emotional blackmail to persuade you to stay.
If it is your house and you want to end the relationship, he has no right to be there. The closer he stays to you, the more tactics he can use to try and wear you down. remind yourself of the reasons you deserve more and if you feel you are starting to waver, you can access the support of the forum or you could call the national domestic violence helpline to talk things through. The number is 0808 2000 247 and it is available 24/7.
Take care and keep posting
24th February 2016 at 10:04 pm #10367Confused123Participant
Ignore what he says , he knew what he was doing , well done for recognising abuse , no contact will make u stronger
24th February 2016 at 11:12 pm #10380
Thank you , I am tring to ignore it all, I think in fact the more he goes on and the more I read on this site the more I learn it really is a pattern these men have. Deep down I know it would all get nasty again and then it would all start again
24th February 2016 at 11:06 pm #10379
Thank you all for your words of support, I’ve only said a few things that have happened. There is so much more but you get the idea. The hardest part I’m finding is sticking to it although I am , but when he keeps going on and on , it feels like you just want to say ok I will give another go just so he stops. The man will follow me from room to room all day and night wake me in the morning telling me I can’t do this I can’t split up a family again. Sadly my exhusband was abusive both verbally and physically. This also makes me doubt myself and think is it partly my fault am I partly to blame as I’m back in the same situation I was all that time ago. I’m finding it very time and mind consuming and that’s all I seem to talk about when I do see my friends which is less and less. I know it will get better and when he’s gone I can start to rebuild my life again. But this is a tough situation and I feel if I cut myself of from him have no empathy for the way he is feeling I can get him out. But am I then as bad as he is by not caring about hhis feelings , he has always told me I need to put more effort into the relationship and support him more. Nothing I did was ever any good for him he even made me watch him iron a shirt once so I could learn to iron properly. Only last week after saying he was going to change the way he was towards me he came home drunk, after telling him his diner was in the oven. He said what kind of ( c word) cooks dinner for there partner without phoning them to ask what they want first. Sorry I’m going on.
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