He won’t admit it

[Roseandthorn]

I’ve not posted before but my story is I’ve been in my relationship for (removed by Moderator) years, married for (removed by Moderator), 2 children. He’s always been controlling and coercive, jealous, a bully. I’ve put up with it all this time as kept brushing it off and believed I’m overthinking. I’ve been struggling these past (removed by Moderator) years and kept wondering why I’m so miserable. I’d been going to councelling and started to feel a bit more like myself again as I felt so lost, like lost identity etc. was trying to work with him to make things better but suddenly I had a flashback from (removed by Moderator) years back about an incident where I was certain he’d raped me after having consensual sex one evening (specific detail removed by Moderator).
I spoke to him about it (timeframe removed by Moderator) and he denied it all and I believed him.
but this flashback I just had (removed by Moderator) weeks ago was very vivid and real, I have been in pieces like it actually just happened and I remember everything. I’ve told him and he still denies it, I’ve told his and my family and his family have turned against me. I don’t know what to do. He is making me feel like I’ve made all this up. There are things in the flashbacks that I had remembered the next morning after it happened so surely I can’t of made this up! Please anybody can help me. This was the only time he had done something like this and nothing has happened again but he is quite content with put downs, belittling and can go from 0-10 in a second yells at me (removed by Moderator) If I ever try to pull him up for something I don’t agree with, ie being to harsh on the kids etc.

I just feel so hopeless and so angry with him, i feel he knows what he done to me and doesn’t want to own up, it makes me angry that he is getting away with this and doesn’t he have a conscience and that he doesn’t even love me if he has done this to me.

[tryingtosleep]

Dear Roseandthorn

I wanted to reply as your post really resonated with me.

I’m really sorry that you have gone through this with your partner. It sounds very traumatising.

If you believe that he raped you there are steps that you can take – but they’re not easy ones.

Some of your partner’s behaviour sounds familiar to me especially his reactionary behaviour.

I wanted to say that the thing that helps me sometimes is to write things down. I think it allows me to validate my experiences.

I left my relationship mainly because it didn’t feel safe anymore. But he won’t accept or acknowledge that that’s the case.

It’s hard when you know your own truth but you feel like you’re banging your head against a wall. Because they refuse to accept it.

The other thing that I wanted to say is something that my counsellor said to me.

She said that he will never accept my point of view, my truth.

She said it’s best for me if I accept that he will never understand or accept it. He can’t think about anyone except himself.

Good luck with whatever steps – if any – you decide to take next.

I really hope you are ok.

Sending lots of love x

[Bananaboat]

He’ll never admit it. It doesn’t benefit him to admit it, but it does benefit him gaslighting you and denying your memories. It’s making you doubt yourself and feel crazy, angry and he’s blocking your ability to talk about it. Sadly he’ll never admit he’s wrong, he won’t change and he will keep doing things to make you feel small & controlled. I guess knowing this, your decision isn’t ’how Do I get him to admit it’ but should be ‘do I feel safe and want to stay in this relationship’. Not easy but you’ll drive yourself mad waiting for him to admit & be sorry x

[Author]

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