- This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 2 years ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I’ve had to go away on a holiday with the kids on my own. We finally agreed to separate but he is threatening suicide.
I almost didn’t go but we’ve been here a couple of times before and he didn’t do anything but those times, I backed down from whatever it was that triggered the manic depression episode.
But I didn’t want to ruin my kids’ Raster break so I went on the holiday on my own. I spoke to a friend who is a medical doctor and has been a source of emotional support. They said it is unlikely he will do anything and I should go on the holiday. The break will do us good. So far, he hasn’t done anything stupid but I am getting harassed day and night. Calls and texts. He then bought a train ticket to the town we were holidaying but all the messages and missed calls were because he didn’t know if he should come or how to get to the holiday destination. As we have only one car, his only option was train.I am replying once a day. There isn’t much signal and we are in the pool for hours so I don’t check my phone for hours. Even when we aren’t swimming, I have to feed kids, do stuff with them. I have no time for long, tedious conversations that leave me drained and then a mental battle to keep grounded.
I just wanted to rant on here. Not sure if there’s any point to this post. It’s mentally draining but I have reached out to a couple of understanding friends and I hope this is my road to getting out. He won’t go easily, I’m sure of that. He thinks he will be sectioned and was asking for me to be the contact. I said yes but I’m away and I can’t sign anything.
Even if he gets sectioned, do I have to have him back at the house? I really need this separation- physical, mental and emotional separation. I think I already started on the emotional separation a while back.
-
Hi AliveandKicking,
Thank you for your post. You have done the right thing for you and your children by going away and by limiting contact. I can understand this is difficult when he is threatening suicide and harassing you. However, it may be reassuring to know that threatening suicide is a form of emotional abuse, commonly used by perpetrators when they feel they are losing control. The recent decision to separate unfortunately will have led him to have to up his abuse. From reading this and your previous post it sounds very much like he is using him apparent mental health problems as a way to try to keep control and manipulate you into staying. He hasn’t actually accessed any mental health support so his assumption that he will be sectioned is purely an assumption and likely designed to further cause you stress and make you feel you have to help him. It is unbelievable the lengths abusers will go to.
In reality I’m afraid it’s sounding unlikely he will leave of his own accord. You may need to consider applying for an injunction to legally remove him from the property; you can talk to DV Assist about this.
Keep a record of all the harassment, and you could consider reporting this to the police on 101 if you feel able to. It would also be helpful to report his suicide threat so that they can carry out a ‘Welfare Check’, which, if he is struggling, will get him the help he needs, and if he isn’t and this is all an act, it will help to prove that.
You’re doing really well, keep posting.
Lisa
-
Hi AliveandKicking
I hope you can enjoy your break with the children, which is why you went. Prioritise yourself now, you have all been through so much and need this break, well done for taking it, and also for venting here when you need to let off steam/look for advice.
It helps immensely to release your worries somewhere so you can process it and move on. Can you text him that it will all have to wait till you return as you’re finding it harrassing? I definitely think you should report his threats of suicide so he can be checked on whilst you are away, then you will have peace of mind, and like Lisa said, it can also be evidence if he’s not feeling suicidal. He needs to reach out for himself, like you do for yourself, if he is indeed having such a terrible time he needs to access professional help, there will be nothing you can do.
Make the most of your holiday watching the children having fun and being free.
warmest wishes
ts
-
Thank you for your messages and thanks for the link @Lisa. I have heard of non-mol orders but I thought it was only for physically violent cases. He has put a hole (detail removed by moderator) and thrown an item at me but maintains that he he missed on purpose. this was a long time ago. But from what I’m reading, a non-mol order can help reduce the constant messages and calls. I feel I also need an occupation order.
He is seeking help. The mental health team looking after him (detail removed by moderator) for a domestic abuse program (detail removed by moderator) and he has signed up for it. Are they good? He said (detail removed by moderator).
I am still sceptical and I still want a separation. He can get help and learn to change his behaviours but he can do that from a distance. This is where my biggest challenge is going to be. I am not looking forward to going back but thankfully, (detail removed by moderator) I am worried that’s when all the pressure will start – for me to let him live in the house whilst he sorts himself out.
At the back of my mind I’m thinking that he wouldn’t have had this ‘breakdown’ if I hadn’t said enough, (detail removed by moderator).
-
over and above anything else, trust to your instincts, the one that tells you he wouldn’t have had ‘this breakdown’ if it hadn’t been for the separation. This is very likely to be true, that he is falling apart because his control has gone, he’s lost his power over you. That doesn’t mean that you must support him through a process which could still be very dangerous for you. No matter whether he’s been violent historically or not, throwing something [to miss] you, what is that all about exactly…why throw something to miss you? Its to threaten you and a display of what he ‘could’ do, what he’s showing you he’s capable of. Its a major threat whether it hits you or not. Noone does this to someone they love because of the very real risk of hurting them, potentially killing them! There’s all kinds of angry and frustrating that people, partners, your children, can be, but throwing something is an expression of hatred, deliberate harm, or threat of harm.
He shouldn’t be in your company whilst he goes through this process, and he will try to draw you into it. Whats his opinion on doing it regardless of whether he’s with you? Will he still do it? The break needs to be now and he needs to fix himself up, without any reliance/dependence upon you. He could blame all sorts of behaviour on having had a ‘difficult session/week’ whatever. Its unlikely to work, is what the stats show, that they just become better at the ‘game’.
Prioritise yourself, think about you, and what you need. You have suffered a lot because of him, he’s a fully grown adult and needs to take responsibility for himself finally.
warmest wishes
ts
-
-
I’ve had a lot of pressure, wanting to know if we can’t sort things out without a separation. My answer remains no. He’s really sorry, didn’t know it was abuse but is doing everything he can to get help.
All good, I’m not ready to talk yet. I just need space is my standard response. It is so hard though. Really draining.
-
Keep not talking. He’s trying to hoover you up. His mental health issues began so long before you came along. He’s ignoring your boundaries. You’ve said No, and he’s ignoring you.
His behaviour towards you is all about him. It’s not your fault and you’re doing really well to establish boundaries.
He won’t change. Either he’ll die by his own hand and blame you, or he’ll move swiftly on to the next person. Most abusers don’t kill themselves however many people they’ve left in their wake. They’ll find someone else.
Right now, you have to protect yourself and your children. It’s such a frightening time. Please reach out to real life agencies who can help and support your family.
In my case, my ex husband abandoned the children totally and we don’t know whether he’s dead or alive. The children say life without him is so much better, and although we know (if he’s alive) that he paints us in a dark light, we compare his behaviour with serial killers.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
