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I read so many of your stories on here that I can relate to and help me so much. I left my relationship many times and went back… and the reason I kept going back wasn’t because he would beg forgiveness or say how sorry he was he would blame me and somehow I would end up being the one to say sorry and running back. I did it because I adored that man I truely did. I didn’t want to believe he could be so cruel I didn’t want to believe he could cheat. I played down in my mind everything he would do all the crazy making all the rages the violence. I’d tell myself it was my fault and I must put it right because his the man I adore the man who loves me. Even now I’ve left for good he still has never once asked me to come back. Never once acknowledged what he did. Instead he hates me he blames me and he turns it all round so I’m the abusive one. I’m not even worth pretending his changed he can’t even give me that. It makes me think he really must have had someone else before I left because as we know they need a supply. I gave that man my soul I gave him everything I could I tried to be the perfect person for him and yet I’m left feeling used feeling like was I ever really loved? The pain is incredible and I can’t make sense of it no matter how many books I read or what I read on here. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why I don’t know what more I could have done. Sorry for the rant ladies I think I just need to let it out sometimes even when it makes no sense. I’m trying to move forward with my life with my beautiful children. I’m trying to rebuild friendships and take care of myself but I feel so worthless.
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It was never about you. Don’t take it personally. Your abuser could be my abuser. You could have been the most perfect partner in the world. It simply would never have been enough for him. He never wanted a perfect partner, he wanted someone to abuse. To make himself feel big. You’re making the mistake of thinking that he thinks like you do. He doesn’t. You became embroiled with a con man. An emotional abuser. A selfish self serving individual. Nothing you could have done would have changed that. The longer you’re with an abuser, the more destroyed you are mentally. It’s crazy making behaviour. You are not worthless. You were never worthless and your heart and head will slowly work this out. There will come a time when it all makes sense and the playing field is even again. Meantime, be kind to yourself. Write down three positive things each day. Time and zero contact are what I can’t recommend enough x
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