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Am I the one that needs to change? Am I the one that’s in wrong? Am I being selfish? My head feels so messed up, I feel abit dazed and confused. I voice my opinion and it’s wrong, I do what he tells me and it’s still wrong, I take things quite literally, but is that wrong? Is there even a right answer? I have been told for I don’t know how long that I need to change, I need to be better and when I try I’m told that’s wrong I should just do! If I was a bloke he would hit me and he makes a point of that, I’m not sure how I’m still in this, every day I want to leave but somehow I stay! My head hurts so much from thinking
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There isn’t a right answer. You could be the most perfect person in the world and he would simply change the goal posts. It’s not about what you do or don’t do. He simply enjoys abusing you and if he can’t pick on something you’ve done he will pick on something you haven’t done or make something up. It’s delusional behaviour so don’t try to work it out. Keep a journal and you will soon see just how crazy making his behaviour is. It’s not you it’s him, gaslighting and lying x
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It does just drive you mad, doesn’t it, crazy? Do keep the journal. It does make you realise that it’s real, what’s happening. I remember when my abuser had the explosion at me, which was the beginning of my “enlightenment” (me suddenly realising what was going on), during that explosion I genuinely thought I’d gone mad. My head was spinning, I felt my brain was bubbling soup, he was saying things that made so little sense that I couldn’t string together a reply and I was saying to myself “what?! What is this? What’s he saying? What does that mean? It doesn’t make sense!” And I opened my mouth and then shut it again, several times, because it was all so crazy that nothing I said would have made any sense either. And voilà! We are mad.
The things he said were unfathomably cruel and hurtful. Came from nowhere. So nonsensical that I knew that something wasn’t right. And since then I have taken the cruel and abusive things he says to me with a different approach. “I’ve sussed you out” but they are still oh so hurtful. But the good thing is that I go “thank you. That’s another thing for my journal. You mad, mean b*****d”
I’ve gone a bit off your point, sorry, but I suppose what I’m trying to say is that they are so good at that. What you describe.
Get yourself in a position where you could walk if you want. And one day, I think you will. I haven’t done it yet, but I’m getting myself ready. And one day I think I will too.
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@Lottieblue I’m the same…”thank you!” That’s today’s abuse ticked in the diary! Solicitor just wants one liners now I’ve got so much.
@Ineedcoffee same here, apparently if i behaved and was courteous to him everything would be right with the world… -
It just makes me so upset and angry, sometimes I cope well and just smile as he says things and sometimes I have to cry, I’m going to start a journal, but it’ll have to be on my phone I can’t risk him finding it, thank you so much for your replies, I did feel like I’m going mad, but reading your messages really helps to ground myself again
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@Ineedcoffee you are not mad. You could also record yourself talking, often easier than writing it down in terms or memory, hard to recall in the evening after a whole day of it…What I do is when he starts, if I can I record him, if I can’t, I repeat the crazy phrases he uses in my head and then go upstairs/outside/bathroom and quickly talk it all into Voice Pro, you can then email it to yourself, or someone else, or loads of other options – cloud etc. Or write notes on the phone. If you’re like me, and its been going on for a while, you might be blanking it out by the time it comes to recall the actual words. Its a form of ptsd my GP said. A journal really helps you process your feelings but yes if he might find it then thats unsafe and try to do it in a different way…email? Its important to also log, when you record, how he made you feel, sad, scared, frightened, depressed, heart racing, that sort of thing. In the end if you need it, you will need to transcribe your recordings. Solicitors often only want/need one liners – depending on how long its been going on for. Its a max of 12 pages for your first submission.
Sending you strength. You Are Not Mad….repeat after me…repeat it when he starts, its really important to remember. When you record one of the crazy rants and listen back over and over, you will realise.xx -
I was really worried about my abuser finding my records as well, so I set up a new (web based, so it doesn’t drop into any inboxes) account, just for this. I only email myself. So my inbox is full of my messages about his behaviour.
In fact, I don’t only email myself, I have also used this address for things like making an appointment with a lawyer, and also for a couple of other things which he absolutely cannot find, regarding his abuse.
If there is someone you can trust, someone in whom you have confided perhaps, you should give someone the details of the account, with password, perhaps in a sealed envelope, only to be used in case of emergency.
Remember, when you go to your email account, to use the privacy settings on your browser, as you probably are to access this forum.
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All very relatable @ineedcoffee journal is a good idea. You’re not going mad. Keep coming here to vent x*x
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