This topic contains 6 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Weepingwillow 3 days, 19 hours ago.

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  • #108126
     Weepingwillow 
    Participant

    Had a bad weekend. My sister visited, first time I’ve seen her since (detail removed by Moderator). She came to ours while he was at work then I went to (detail removed by Moderator) at one of her friends for a couple of hours . He is now saying I’ve made my choice , put her before my family again. We lost our dad In tragic circumstances (detail removed by Moderator) and I need her. He’s now saying I’m an unfit mother swanning off out and i make the kids anxious, treat him like dirt and so they’d all be better off without me 😢. Last week he hated them ? I just don’t understand . I’m doubting if it’s me now and can’t focus

  • #108128
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    It’s definitely not you. I mean, how dare you put someone else before him and spend some time at (detail removed by Moderator) with family and friends for a few hours?! That is very, very, selfish indeed, according to abusers, who are all about me, me, me!

    Has he given you a get out of jail free card here? “You have made your choice.” Is that his way of telling you that he’s leaving now, that you’ve lost him because you have spent a few hours enjoying yourself?

    Honestly, this man is just going to continue to make your life so miserable, you really need to make a decision whether you want to stay in this relationship or leave it somehow. You NEED to focus. They are like carbon monoxide, you know they are dangerous but you become too weak to fight them and you stay in the poison until it kills you, if not literally, spiritually. Can you go and stay with your sister for a while, with the kids, tell her how he is treating you and then find some other accommodation whilst at hers?

  • #108144
     Weepingwillow 
    Participant

    No he hasn’t given me a get out of jail card, he just means he has an excuse to be mean and make me suffer. Always the same if I see family.
    I am at a loss what to do , he won’t leave , it’s ‘his house’ despite the fact it’s jointly owner and I pay most of the mortgage and bills as I work full time and he only works part time when he feels like it . If I leave I will end up paying for 2 properties . Sister doesn’t live local so would be difficult. I have told sis how he is and she has said she will help but is losing patience with me . I totally get this , I’m pathetic and stupid to have got myself in this situation thinking I could Help him . I’ve lost me along the way 😢 xx

  • #108150
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    My family lost patience with me too. It’s not about us being pathetic and stupid, it’s about us being too invested in the relationship to want to give up on it, we keep believing we can get a different outcome. One day your personal boundary of acceptable behaviour / red line moment will come and you will realise that no matter what you do the outcome will always be the same. People can tell you that time and time again, but you will only leave him when YOU decide you are not prepared to take it any more.

    Have you considered an Occupation Order as an option?

  • #108157
     Weepingwillow 
    Participant

    Wants to help – want exactly is an occupation Order ?
    I know what I want to do I am just scared of how it would affect the kids and the possibility of losing them xx

  • #108159
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    An Occupation Order is a civil court order that you can apply for at county court to exclude someone from your home/direct them to leave it and therefore, allow you to ‘occupy’ it. If they don’t leave, or they return after the order has been served, they can be arrested.

    Victims of DA can apply for it when they don’t want to involve the Police, or when Police investigations have not progressed. Usually, there has to be a history of Domestic Violence, not Domestic Abuse, so the grounds to have one issued have to be based on a risk of serious harm. I think a few ladies on here have been successful in getting one due to C&C Behaviour, so the courts may now be better in understanding the risk of harm from emotional and psychological abuse.

    If there is a history of violence with your abuser and you have evidence of it, ie, photos, visits to A&E or the GP where injuries are logged, previous police reports, you can apply for one of these. You can ask a solicitor to apply for one (can be quite costly) or contact Women’s Aid to ask a bit more about it. There is a charity called National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) who you can Google, they used to help a victim apply for civil orders but I think they also charge now, and there’s another charity called DV Assist who can advise too.

  • #108164
     Weepingwillow 
    Participant

    Thank you . He isn’t really violent now , he was early days , usually after a drink
    But now it’s just threats and emotional c**p . I have no evidence of violence, he did creak a rib many years ago but I told the doc I had fallen . He just shouts and pushes sometimes but
    Can be quite menacing with his snarling xx

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