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Hi everyone,
I don’t come on here often these days but I’m struggling. I read a post by Magnum 1 which pretty much said the same thing I’m feeling which was very helpful but I can’t find it to reply and maybe it’s better I don’t hijack her post!I’ve been away from my abusive ex for a few years now, I took a long time to recover, have counseling and EMDR and spend time getting to know myself before risking a new relationship. Now I have, I have been cautious, taken things slowly but we’ve been together quite a while now and I think I’m getting worse.
He is extremely kind and has never done anything to make me feel bad, I’ve searched hard and yet there are no red flags in sight. I know how lucky I am to even be in this position. Everyone is so pleased for me and tells me just to relax and enjoy it, they say I deserve to be loved and treated well.
And yet I just cannot feel safe in the relationship. I’m getting triggered all the time by tiny things. How, after finding the strength to leave my ex, my home and all my possessions, report him to the police, go through facing him in court, finally standing up to and calling out my abusive parents, supporting my children with their anxieties and additional needs, holding down a demanding job in child protection having difficult conversations every day, how can I be like a terrified child in the context of a relationship? It’s crazy. I feel so ashamed of feeling this way.
Just as Magnum 1 said, I feel like I’m too damaged, beyond hope, incapable of having a healthy relationship. I’ve read a lot about recovery from trauma and attachment theory. It all makes sense but it is so hard. I don’t know if any of you have gone through this stage and can offer me any hope. Maybe I should get some more counselling to coach me through it. Any support or advice would be gratefully received x
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Maybe it’s as simple as feeling vulnerable? It’s difficult for most people to allow themselves to be vulnerable when with another, but more so after abuse. It’s also one part of what it is to be in an intimate relationship with another – we can’t love without also feeling vulnerable hey.
Counselling could help you to look at how you feel in relation to him and work out where your feelings originate, do these feelings belong to the past or the present? And whether you need to act or simply recognise them for what they are and move forwards. This would help you to protect this relationship, as if it’s the right relationship for you then it sounds like you could be at risk of sabortaging it.
It’s very natural to be transported backwards sometimes as well when in a new relationship, and this doesnt occur until you have a comparisson – the new relationship – makes you think and feel about stuff you havent since nor would you until in a relationship with someone else, and the things you do as a couple will trigger the old sometimes as well, eg say the last time you raised a toast to one another when rasing a toast with your new man. Think the trick is to be mindful of this, not to react from your emotions, learn to recognise that was then this is now – now is different and this is ok – I am safe now and thankful for now having come such a long way; acknowledge how you feel and identify these feeling as haunting feelings from the past – after a period of time when we do this, they simply stop as they are replaced with the new.
Seasons wishes. FL.x
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Thanks Fizzylem,
I definitely am in danger of sabotaging this, though I really don’t want to. He reassures me it’s not as bad as I think and he wants to help me but every time I have a panic attack I worry he’ll decide he’s had enough.
I’ve done all the soul searching and psychotherapy. I know exactly why I feel and react this way. My attachment style is messed up from my abusive parents, I have a lifetime of triggers from them and my ex. This is the first healthy relationship I have ever experienced and is going to take a lot of adapting to. I was hoping time would be enough but I’m not sure about that now as I don’t feel I’m making much progress. I just wish I could be the me I’ve discovered over the past few years and not regress from anxiety when I’m with him. When a trigger happens I’m overwhelmed with fear and I can’t rationalise with myself until it’s passed. Accepting where I am in the process is always helpful.
Thanks again. I wish you and everyone else on here a safe and peaceful Christmas.
PP X -
It sounds like some more trauma work could be helpful PP? EMDR can help but it’s likely there’s a bit more work to be done? If you go back into therapy, make sure you choose someone who has experiecne of working with trauma, domestic abuse, understands attachment theory (although most therpasts with experience do), childhood trauma (developmental trauma / relationship trauma); it gets complex doesnt it because of the developmental trauma, so you experienced relationship trauma as a child while you were growing and changing – then ontop of this you experienced domestic abuse.
It’s natural what you descibe, triggers activated by the new relationship, but it sounds like some help to manage this could be useful; you’re completely outside of your comfort zone here, which is where the magic happens, this is both scary and exhilirating for someone with healthy attachments, but for you it feels unmanageble. I know therapy is probably the last place you want to go again, after having done so much, but think it could help – could be the last missing piece? Pick someone new, it’s likely you’ve learnt all you can already from the therapists you’ve already seen – a fresh perspective / approach will help.
After therapy, you need to feel you have grieved for all your losses, eg the childhood you never had etc, have adjusted after the trauma – now feel safe in the world again – see and feel each of the traumas you have experienced in life as a gift that gave and still gives sometimes – feel you have gained resiliance / confidence / can trust your own decisions / feel ok to make a mistake as you know you will pull it back when do if needed; know who you are, strengths and flaws and feel comfortable in your own skin – ok to be me; feel emotionally well and intelligent / know how you feel and why – can workout what needs to happen here / will always respond to yourself, your thoughts and feelings, can always express these when needed / can be your own therapist / can recognise your needs and meet these; have a strong, wide support network of people / can recognise that when you dont know what to do you do know who to ask or you have the skills to find out who this is or where to go – thinking that if there’s anything in this list you don’t feel you have – this would be your starting place for therapy x
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Fizzylem that is so helpful. I thought I had grieved enough. I thought I had accepted and accommodated all the traumatic memories into my new sense of self. But now having to show that pain and damage to someone I care for so much I realise I haven’t fully accepted it, I still feel very ashamed. I want to be someone different for him. Someone less troubled, more fun, or at least more healed. I feel I’ve been dishonest but I genuinely believed I was doing better than I am.
As for your list the other big thing missing from my life is a support network, at all, nevermind a strong one. I do have some friends and get on well with my colleagues. I’ve have a sister though she’s far away and I’ve made some contact with extended family who have been supportive and had no idea about my childhood abuse. But everything seems to stay shallow. I can’t seem to deepen friendships and let people in. I thought I was doing when I first left my ex and was going through everything but now it’s like life has moved on and no-one seems to remember what’s happened or let me talk about it. This relationship is the first time I’ve managed to go deeper and now I’m terrified. And it’s worse because there’s no-one behind me to watch out for me which increases my vulnerability in the relationship.
I agree I need more therapy and was glad you said about finding someone new, because that’s what I think too. I did see a previous therapist for a one off session about this a while back and it wasn’t that helpful. It was weird because I realised I’d put her on a pedestal and seen her as some sort of angel saving me, she helped so much at the time. But now she seems normal and not right for where I am now.
I will look around for someone right, first thing for the new year. Thank you so much x
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You have come much further than it feels ‘just now’; you’ve put in a lot of work, this is just another stumbling block, albeit it feels like a big un! Because it is also unknown territory – so super scary.
Had you had the healthy attachments and bonds in early years this would have shown you it’s ok to take a risk when head and heart feel it could be right – which you can see now; doesnt help with the irrational thoughts and feelings though does it atm. This is you about to get the life you really want! – and a big part of this is letting go of the old and letting people in. I can fully appreciate how scary this feels for you just now, but for me, it feels really exciting to read!
Sounds like he’s important to you – great! That he may well become one of the confidants you need in life – its important we have a few though, because if we have one it becomes too precious to us – needs to be cherished not precious. So taking a bit of risk with others would also be good, maybe that friend or colleague you get good vibes from already, and your sister? Lowering our guard and speaking to people about how we truly feel can feel painful and difficult yes, even excruciating sometimes! But it’s also what brings us together – leaves us feeling we are all human and connected. It helps us to understand and know one another more – and it feels great for both people when experiencing this – also helps us to feel safe as we have places to fall when we need it.
That said, doesn’t mean you need to let everyone in ether lol – not that you would, but what I mean is we have some people to socialise with, bring out our fun side, meet this need, some we get along with at work well – dont need to tell them evrything do we; some who we only go to for support – services or those we trust will give us what we need here. Your yoga or fitness class might also be in your support network. We have a range of needs so need different people and services to meet these. Have you seen the Wheel of Life? Helps us to ientify these, you’ve seen Maslow’s pyramid too yes? Bet you have in CP.
You are this person you descibe, the strong woman you have become – but sometimes you are also vulnerable – because we – all of us are. You’ve looked after you for so long and likely become fiercly independant, been overly self sufficient – kind of works but only gets us so far hey, because we do need others in our life, for help, love, support, guidance, to care for, to grow etc and so forth, we have a range of needs that can only be met through others – like our love and belonging needs – we can also only really come to know who we truly are though others eg I can love freely.
Exciting times ahead for you PP – this is a big change for you, and you know this, can see this is not what you know – rather it’s how you’d like it to be – how you’ve always felt you wanted it to be!
You’re learning how to be true to yourself however you feel – its going to be ok from here – better than ok – meaningful and fulfilling! You’ll see. Almost there – self actualising! No going back – only living in the here and now and loving life x
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