30th June 2016 at 6:39 am #20496lover of no contactParticipant
Just wanted to reply to your posting in Bridget’s thread where you come away feeling edgy, angry, stressed from the work situation.
I am the same. I love my work but I can’t do it in peace because of the affects of various personalities on me. I started this job (after being out of the work-force for decades), to become financially self-supporting as I was ‘escaping’ my abusive relationship with my now ex-husband. I soon became aware that there was a ‘cycle of abuse’ going on in my workplace. I walked into this abusive situation while walking away from another one. That was (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and I still am choosing to stay. So I have been in many, many cycles of abuse since then, there.
I could choose to put my energy into finding another job but I don’t. My excuses are: my hours are great. I don’t have to commute. I love the actual work. I have some work colleagues who I really like. I also feel would it just be the same if I moved to another workplace, would another ‘cycles of abuse’ be just operating there. Bullies are everywhere. Just as ‘kind’ people are everywhere.
In the last (detail removed by Moderator) years some one of the bullies (who made my life hell) left to be replaced ‘by a kind person’. This has made my working life easier. However, 2 other new staff (but not in my area of work) have started who have the ‘bully-type persona have started’. It took me a while to recognise it but my instincts were right (time does tell). Nowadays I listen more and more to my ‘gut’. What I’m trying to say that I can’t control who has bully-type behaviours and who doesn’t. I can’t make my workplace ‘bully-free’. And I feel at least I can manage my bullies because I know now who is a bully and who isn’t. In a new workplace it would take me a while to figure out who is and who isn’t.
Going to start a new post in case I lose this one
30th June 2016 at 6:48 am #20498
Dear LONC, thank you for this really helpful feedback. I work extremely closely every single day with a female n********t. She makes my life total hell and every day i struggle, i won’t write any more as I would be interested in commenting on the new post that you are setting up. its wonderful to share isn’t it. XXXXXXXX
30th June 2016 at 7:02 am #20499lover of no contactParticipant
I too had a very ‘stressful’ day at work due to the part of the abuse cycle we’re in at the moment. You see my boss is an abuser/n********t and rules the workplace by fear and intimidation. At least I have awareness about whats going on. My other work colleagues do not. We were in the ‘orange’ part of the cycle yesterday where the tension is mounting (boss is displaying nasty/nice behaviour, and the n********t ‘silent/hostile’ treatment is going on). I am not too affected by my boss as I implement minimum contact with her (in my own way), but I am affected by my feelings of unease, my being triggered (after being reared in abusive situation and marrying into one) and my I’m affected by my other work colleague who are irritable and unreasonable and their distress comes out in hostility towards me. This makes me feel angry with her because she is treating me badly because she is being treated badly. That festers up resentment within me towards her. Meanwhile bully-boss is delighted and rubbing her hands in glee at the ‘discord she is causing’ among her staff.
Anyway why do I chose to stay and put myself through this but I do and for the reasons cited above. Things I have done in the last few years ‘to manage’ the abusive situation at work.
1) I have reduced my hours by half. I decided I was choosing not to leave because of hours/no commute but I would implement reduced contact by reducing hours. And this would give me the time to look for other work. This has reduced the impact considerably of the ‘abusive people’s behaviours’ at work on me.
2) I too try and practice gratitude more to try and offset the negativity.
3) I look at it as a practice for me in my new behaviours. Recently stood up for myself at work instead of ‘just taking it’. Still find that one hard.
4) Trying to just do my job, get the pay and focus on my work/life balance outside work.
Just some thoughts as I’m finding my work-situation threatening to bring my mental health down.
Acceptance at the moment. The serenity prayer helps me. ‘ God grant me the the awareness to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things we can and the Wisdom to know the difference.’
But I don’t know if I’m trying to accept ‘an unacceptable situation’. Oh how I hate my extreme loyalty, my resilience, my self-will and my steadfastness. Others would have probably thrown in the towel months ago. But I just soldier on accepting unacceptable behaviour at work. My only hope to change is for me to post about it.
The 3 A’s :Awareness, Acceptance and Action. The action at the moment is me posting about it.
30th June 2016 at 8:27 pm #20564
Dear LONC, thanks for your posts. I’m in more or less the same situation, however i work full time. I could reduce my hours if i wanted to but the drop in money was so big I decided not to. I originally started this conversation yesterday to try to help poor Bridget who at the moment is unable to break away from her abusive and unhappy marriage. i’m more or less over my abusive relationship now, but could liken my feelings of being trapped and unable to move away from a depressing and damaging situation to Bridget’s situation. I know that I have to do something to make myself feel better as some days I am so miserable and it seems that I cannot do anything about it. I feel that my physical and mental peace of mind is adversely affected and it is getting worse. Most evenings I have no life and get up and go and come home lay down and do nothing, i feel exhausted and have little life during the week outside of my work. There are a range of things that keep me there, I have zero confidence in my abilities to start a new job. I struggle with change so much and can only really cope with the familiar. Starting a new job would paralyze me with nerves I just could not do it. I have been where I am now for well over (detail removed by Moderator), they know me, my flaws and strengths and I know them. Also I work locally as you do, i cycle to work each day which I love and which saves me a fortune. I have a shower when I get to work and have a nice gym minutes from my work. Plus, i really do love what I do, its so interesting and absorbing. Ater reading your post today, it made me think about my own situation and try to break it down. My main problem is with feeling comfortable around 2 or 3 personalities in my office, very close to me and coping with the noise around me. Each of these people each of whom shouts rather than talks has my nerves literally on edge. I hate it and cannot cope with them. My reactions have now got so damaging to my health I must find a way to deal with this. My earlier thoughts on how to deal with it, either dying, having a breakdown and being signed off sick, neither were an option. Leaving, as it is with Bridget, is not an option for me either. Finding a way of managing was the final option and this is the one I am going to go for. I have faced one or two big challenges in my time and have normally been able to come up with an action plan to resolve the problem. I am desperate. I have started today by trying to be a bit more friendly with these people, smiling and saying hello. I even friend requested the extreme n********t on FBook. This for me is going to be a work in progress where I fine tune my action plan so that my days are not so filled with anger and tension. Yesterday I felt like i wanted to physically attack my direct line manager, that is how I am coping at work at the moment, I have to deal with this. Another thing that appeals to me and what I will try is the Distress Tolerance information website. Just opening the weblink makes me feel calmer. I am also going to try to incorporate some mindfulness into my days and practice calming my breathing. I’m going to clean and tidy my workspace and try to start looking for the good in these people. There are of course many books available online on dealing with problem people of which I will get. Bringing all of these changes about will take time for me as Its really quite a big problem, my responses to them. Also, try to look at the wider picture. All three of my pains in the a**, their behaviour which affects me so, is just them being them, I suppose its about learning to accept different personalities. Allthough the n********t projects her workplace stress onto me and bullies me quite a lot. I will find a way to manage this, it will just take time to come together. XXXXX
30th June 2016 at 8:33 pm #20566
Also might buy myself some smart new work clothes make sure I’m being super good as much as i can with health and exercise, and might also read up on getting along with different personalities. I might look at M Scott Pecks quotations and put some in an easily accessible place at work. In the past I have deliberately read them and they really do lift my mood. X*X
30th June 2016 at 10:40 pm #20585AyannaParticipant
I suffer from workplace abuse too.
I am being discriminated and gaslighted all the time.
I have more training than many, but they keep bullying me.
There is a lot of racism involved. It is all covert, so that I cannot proof it.
I do not show them that it affects me. I do my job and go home.
I tried before to talk about it and things got worse.
I have to put up with it. No change in workplace can change this. I have tried this now a few times. It is always the same in the end. I just stick it out.
30th June 2016 at 10:52 pm #20587
Every time in the past that I have come across bullying, without fail i have found out that the bully has a really miserable existence & is dumping their anger & issues onto me makes them feel better. I am ashamed to admit that I have been the bully in the past, it was always when I felt out of control in a particular area.
2nd July 2016 at 8:29 am #20711
Dear LONC, it has recently struck me that i excel in some areas of my life and struggle in others. The issue that you and I have been discussing, work misery and being trapped, unable to get out etc is the area that I struggle with.
I have thought it might be useful to look at the area that I excel in and work out what it is about my thinking and actions that enable me to excel. This may then be able to be transferred to other more difficult areas of my life. I think it helps to have a great will and determination to change too. One area that I excel in, I have done really well in this area, it comes naturally, i enjoy it and I fall into the minority (i hope i’m not sounding boastful)…. I looked at why I am successful in that area, it is because I have a steely focus, determination, steadfast, I am dedicated to it, i spend a lot of time on it, i’m strict with myself and have discipline and goals. And all of this is done whilst enjoying it. I am going to write down these things and display them in my house, and I am going to try to adopt this mindset into changing my miserable work life. Changing it or possibly even leaving. XXXXX
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