heart breaking and feel like I want to see him

[spiritedaway]

He’s been an alcoholic for the last (detail removed by Moderator) after we were both in a traumatic accident. I got counselling and he self medicated. For all that time his behaviour escalated and then became worse and worse. All of it not listening to my desperation that he needed help.

Finally at the point he is realising we are over he is apologising in a way he hasn’t before and actually seems to be getting help.

I am so sad his rock bottom had to damage to many on the way. So sad he wouldn’t listen before.

I know he is hurting and that hurts me. My emotions are all over the place. I’ve stuck to my plan so far and remained no contact. I don’t know what I want, what I need and where does trauma end and abuse begin. This is all one big mess.

I don’t know what I want anyone to say but I just needed to let this out, get some of it out of my head.

[Bananaboat]

Firstly it’s ok to care, you’re human and you loved that person.

However, ask yourself:
1) is he actually getting help? Abusers and addicts often say the right things about getting help, maybe attend a few sessions but don’t actually engage in the process. They’re either fooling themselves that they don’t actually need help or they’re fooling us to trigger our return.

2) it sounds like you’ve been through a lot, so maybe ask yourself is it really him you miss or the support/companionship you thought you had with him? If the second, where else could you reach out? It can be a lovely road sometimes but that alone isn’t reason to go back.

3) Wait – see how you feel in a few days. See if he commits to help for several months. Remind yourself of the bad times too, could you cope with that again?

You’re obviously a lovely, caring, compassionate person and that’s amazing. It’s natural to hurt when others hurt but try to stay strong, you’re not his support network and are going on your own journey, but if you do reach out like so many of us have then do it with the knowledge you’ve gained and that you always have options xx

[spiritedaway]

Thanks Bananaboat. I know you are right and thankfully crying it out has helped.

Any healing he needs I know is longterm and there isn’t a quick fix so there is no way I can be a part of that. If I could be then we wouldn’t be where we are. And it would have happened before now.

I don’t want to be there, I don’t want to be a part of that journey and don’t see it would help him if he is genuinely getting help.

Thank you for the kindness and encouragement.

[Author]

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