Heartbreaking – contact with children

[itwillbeokay]

So I’m feeling heartbroken today. I left my husband of (Detail removed by moderator) years, together for (Detail removed by moderator), on (Detail removed by moderator). Emotional abuse, probably the whole time maybe, I’m confused really about when it became a really regular pattern of coercive control through threats, intimidation, verbal and psychological abuse. We have a (Detail removed by moderator) and (Detail removed by moderator) year old that we spent (Detail removed by moderator) years trying to have through IVF.

Me and the children are starting a new life near to my family (that he more recently included in his anger and threats) and are moving into a flat (Detail removed by moderator). I’m moving out of our family home. I’ve just had the bags I left with (Detail removed by moderator) and haven’t been back since. He’s tried to get me to go back with one round of begging pleading crying promises he’ll never do it again promises of marriage counselling and anger management but I have reached my limit of coping with it and cannot live in this way anymore. He has also been unemployed for (Detail removed by moderator) years and disappears off regularly to drink. It’s mostly these days when the abusive episodes occur. I spend my time worrying how and when he will come home as he won’t answer his phone or let me know how long he’ll be or where he is. Stuff like that. Usually tying in with the children’s tea and bedtimes.

Anyway, today was the second time I’ve had to see him as he requested I bring the children to see him (I’ve relocated to a new town). We stayed in the community on advice from Women’s Aid but since the begging and pleading didn’t work and he knows I’ve really left he has become Mr Reasonable/Amicable/Calm/seemingly non drinking etc (he went on a drink and drugs “bender” at our home for days after I left so I kept the children away). Today he had what he knows is my favourite tshirt on him, he’d bought our sons favourite (Detail removed by moderator) to meet him, he was lovely kind Dad etc etc. Few comments to me about how heartless I am, minimising it to “a few arguments” “hot air from me during the heat of the moment” (the threats towards me) and “I didn’t mean any of it”. I found it very difficult the whole time I was with him whilst he saw the children (mostly our (Detail removed by moderator), he’s not as interested in the (Detail removed by moderator) – he even said “you take x*x and I’ll have x*x” previously in an argument) to hold back my tears, they just fell and fell all day in spite of my efforts. All my dreams of family life with him who I loved so much, still do in lots of ways, wrecked by his inability not to be abusive towards me. And he’s there minimising it as if I’ve left too easily and I’ve ruined our lives and made it sad and difficult. Talking about access and saying to our (Detail removed by moderator) about him being able to come and stay with him etc etc. I don’t even know where he’s planning on living once the tenancy on our house ends (Detail removed by moderator). I’m not sure he’s responsible enough for an every other weekend sort of set up plus I think they’re too little to be away from me so much plus his involvement when we lived together was minimal plus he thought nothing if disappearing off at bedtimes etc and leaving me to it.

I said you can minimise it to a few arguments all you like if that makes you feel better. As if I’d do this and cause this trauma and heartbreak over a few arguments, I’ve hoped for years it would stop but it’s got worse and worse. He said you’re not heartbroken, you were probably just waiting for an excuse to leave. I was stood there holding our baby with tears spilling over my eyelids and my throat so painful from the lump I was trying to swallow. It makes me so sad he thinks I’ve just upped and left for nothing. Well he said no I know I’ve behaved badly. Even that minimises it for me. Then he got me to give him a lift to our old house that I’m trying to keep out of my sons sight really so as not to set him back as I’ve not explained anything yet – to get (Detail removed by moderator) – and then a further lift into town. No explanation, not that he needs to, but jumps out right near where the pub is he goes to. It’s (Detail removed by moderator). Almost as if to say off I go to the pub because I can because you’ve left me. I cried and cried and cried all the way home (to my parents where we’re staying). There was a message when I got here. Thank you for bringing them to see me I really appreciate it (he’d already said that twice to my face earlier), it was very nice to see you all hope the journey back okay. I didn’t find it nice atall, I found it totally and utterly gut wrenchingly heartbreaking.

How do I deal with this? Does it get better? Access? Will he always make me so upset? Will I be sad forever?

Xx

[anotherlife]

Dear itwillbeok, i am so so sorry for what you have been through today. Though I don’t have that much experience (yet) as a partner / parent but do as a daughter, this is classic, selfish, panicking behaviour from your ex partner. He is trying to turn it round on you to make you feel.gulty and sorry for him, you are so amazing for not giving in today. He doesn’t deserve you and never will. He is panicking as he knows it’s his fault and the only way out is by laying in the guilt and emotional blackmail.

Your children will be so much better having the stability of you, rather than someone so selfish and unreliable as him. If he says he loves you, how could be treat you this way for so many years? It sounds like he has very little respect for himself, never mind anyone else.

The emotional blackmail of the message at the end of the day! I’m shaking my head just thinking about it. It is so selfish.

You have done the bravest and best thing to you and your children by moving away. I don’t know enough, but can you go no contact? Then he wouldn’t so easily be able to try to make you feel guilty / pull on your heartstrings?

Go and take a peek at your lovely children sleeping and be assured that you have done the very best for them. Take all the comfort and support that you are offered. Maybe you could call womens aid tomorrow and run through this with them? They are so lovely and helpful.

Wishing you strength and comfort x

[KIP.]

Zero contact is the way forward. You’re still vulnerable.

[itwillbeokay]

Anotherlife, thank you so much for your message. Means a lot. I desperately need support and am definitely vulnerable, I’m trying to access counselling without success at the moment.

Kip, as always, thank you for responding. I’m still unsure how no contact works with children but now he has seen them recently I plan on keeping away and no contact whilst we move into our new flat etc. Then when he starts up again about access to the children etc I will reseek advice on what to do. I’m not agreeing to overnight stays and weekends anytime soon for a baby that he’s had limited involvement in the childcare for and I would worry about his ability to not drink too much and whether he would wake in the night and and and.

But for now, our new life starts tomorrow and I get all our things back to start to try and move on.

I will always be sad for the husband he should’ve – could’ve! – been 🙁

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