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Hi Pink rose
You are not alone with this problem-it is a common one for us survivors.Please know you are not alone with this.
I think it is a matter of time practice and setting boundaries with potential abusers.The positive here is that you say you recognise these people and take action,so you are proactive already.The doubt will decrease gradually as you gain more confidence using your own methods to get rid of unwanted characters.You have made a good start already!
I have a great little book at home -think it is titled: Boundaries after a pathological relationship by Adeline Birch.
It is very helpful and a real eye-opener for survivors.Take care.
Jupiter -
you are DEFINITELY not alone with this problem I also experience the same thing with new men – i meet them, they start getting abusive, i chuck them out
you start to think that all men are abusive, or you at least think that all men turn abusive if they are with you – the abused… you know i reckon part of this is sadly true, human psychology is a complex thing, someone who is vulnerable attracts the wrong kind of men or brings out the worst in others, and we also subconsciously may go for abusive men without even realising it at first… even a normally good man can get abusive sometimes under these sort of circumstances where if he was with someone else, he might not do
i think the key to attracting a non abusive man is to somehow forget everything you’ve been through, a fresh slate if you will – how to do this? i wish i knew. hypnotherapy might be an option. some days I would be tempted to have a lobotomy if just to forget and heal completely…
i think a lot of women who endured long term abuse end up alone and lonely because of this and the huge trust issues… im currently on my own and wish i had a good man in my life but as i said the few i’ve been with over the past ten years have not worked out – i find i also put up with a lot less than i used to do hence again… alone x
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Hi Pink Rose
It’s good that you recognise this behaviour and don’t tolerate it. I’m quite cagey around new men now.
I’ve had a couple of experiences I didn’t like. There was one in particular with a guy who manages the local pub. I went to the bar, he was standing to the side of the bar and he actually “punched” me in the arm, gave me a dead arm! I turned around and asked what the hell did he do that for. He was joking he said. I told him that was sore and don’t ever think about doing anything like that again. He laughed and then gave me a hug! What bizarre behaviour – we’re both middle aged! Would he have done that if my BIG brother was standing next to me? – definitely not. I left the pub.
The only thing I can say is trust your gut. Think about…..would they treat their own mothers like this? Highly unlikely. That’s my benchmark now, would they treat their mother like that….I’ve also told my friends the next man I meet they have to interview him, evidently I’m rubbish at it.
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Hi Pinkrose,
The freedom program can help you to identify abuse and abusive behavior – http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ Your local Women’s Aid group may also run courses that might be helpful. Trust your instincts and love and respect yourself.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
Hi- I went from an abusive marriage to another abuser- both men had a history of abusive relationships, both were vile about their exes, both had sob stories about how terrible their lives had been. In both cases I was so swept up by their good looks, strong biceps and romantic gestures that I ignored the warning signs and kidded myself that I could make it different. I didn’t change them, they changed me. I think after this current one has ended I will just be on my own.
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