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Hello. I’m new here. I just wanted to say proud I am to be a part of this tribe; but also how sad I am that it has to exist (if that makes sense!).
He told me very early on in our relationship that he’d served time for violence against a previous partner. We’d been friends for a while before we got together romantically and I really respected his honesty. I also felt that he shouldn’t be judged by his past; particularly since he’d sought help after this incident. He was very open and said that I could ask him anything about it.
Looking back there were warning signs from the start: the speed at which everything moved, the apparent lack of empathy, the anger issues, the way he spoke to people who didn’t give him what he wanted, how he acted when he didn’t get what he wanted, his reaction to perceived ‘slights’ or things that annoyed him. But being a people pleaser and the kind of person who wants to ‘fix’ everyone I meet, I could understand the factors that contributed to these behaviours – mainly stemming from his childhood – and wanted to love him and help him.
I’ve left. After trying (and failing) a few times previously I left our home whilst he was away because I felt frightened after another horrible argument. I hate myself for doing this to him. I left a short note. It felt so alien to me to do that to another human being and I’m really struggling with the guilt.
At the same time I feel incredibly lucky that I had the time and the means to be able to pack all of my things and get away safely. I know some people aren’t as lucky as me. I’m also blessed with incredible friends and family who are being…just amazing beyond belief – now and whilst I was with him.
It’s only been a short time and I’m very up and down – which I suppose is to be expected. One minute I feel euphoric, the next I absolutely detest and hate myself for what I’ve done to him. I switched my phone on and, with a friend, listened to and read all of the messages that he’d sent after he found me gone – and since. They nearly broke me. But the one thing that she pointed out was the fact that they were all about HIM – what I’d done to HIM, how could I do this to HIM, he’d always treated me so well, what is he supposed to do now, what kind of a person does this…you get the picture. It’s very hard to hear as I know my failings, and know that I played a part in the relationship breaking down. I’m very aware that I have a lot of faults.
He was never physically abusive. I’m still wondering if I’ve overplayed the whole thing. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was? I just wish he could get some help for the pain and hurt inside him. It breaks my heart.
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Your friend sounds switched on. Keep her close. He is not your responsibility. It’s his behaviour that forced you to leave in secrecy for your own safety. The physical abuse came later for me when the emotional mental abuse got boring for him. That’s much worse than anything physical and ouch longer lasting. Grab this freedom with both hands. Concentrate on your own recovery as he won’t change and abuse always gets worse. Ring 101 and speak to a domestic abuse police officer. Make them aware of your fears. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim when the abuser loses control.
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I know you may be feeling with guilt. I think we all do and we end up taking on more than our share of the guilt. It sounds like you did all you could. I agree with KIP. You’re friend sounds perceptive and is a good person to have around. I’m glad to hear you have such a good support system that can hold you at this difficult time. You sound very insightful about what has happened which is key. I hope so much that your feelings of guilt (and I know this is such a big one) and responsibility become much less. It’s hard to know that the people we love must be hurting so badly to do these things to others. I hear these things only escalate so I hope you can stay away as you sound like a very strong lady with a very positive username 🙂 x
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Hi Brighterdaysahead, Great name!
“He was never physically abusive. I’m still wondering if I’ve overplayed the whole thing. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was? I just wish he could get some help for the pain and hurt inside him. It breaks my heart.”
Even if it wasn’t as bad as you thought (it might have been worse), it was still bad and bad is not good! Never being physically abusive shouldn’t be the bar by which we measure how we deserve to be treated. If you asked a friend how her relationship was going and she said “pretty good – he doesn’t hit me”, you’d be shocked.
You didn’t cause the pain and hurt inside him and it’s not your job to fix him, nor should you have to bear the consequences of it. And it’s up to him to seek help.
My ex carried a lot of internal pain and trauma and I felt heartbroken for him. I now see that he exploited my sympathy and manipulated it. He wasn’t physically abusive either – until he was, presumably when the manipulation didn’t satisfy him anymore. People who abuse us don’t deserve our kindness.
…Oh how I wish I’d known that years ago 🙂
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Seeingclearly thank you for your words which have helped me so much. I’m so, so sorry for the pain you experienced at the hands of someone you loved 😞
And KIP – you’re so right as always – when I imagine my sister or best friend having some of the experiences I did I feel real repulsion and anger (although after what’s happened I appreciate that’s not a healthy or helpful emotion!)
You ladies are the best x*x
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My therapist said something interesting when I said I felt lucky he hadn’t done worse. That’s a sure sign of an abuse victim. If a stranger did those horrible things to us we would call the police and report them. But when someone we love abuses us we feel lucky it wasn’t worse. It’s mind blowing dysfunction. Think about the worst episode and imagine him doing it to someone you love. A sister, friend etc. It’s not you, it’s him x
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