Hello…

[Loveis]

Hi. I don’t really know where to begin or what to say. I guess I’ll start with that I am sitting on the sofa in the dark because he won’t let me come up to bed, I’m just waiting for the text message where if I want to ‘make it up to him I can’.
Sometimes I can deal with it and nobody is any the wiser, I manage to keep my two worlds separate. But other times I can’t. A small example is the other day at work a lady was moaning that her husband wouldn’t (detail removed by moderator) so we were all chipping in and I got a rare moment of bravery and recounted what had happened the night before. Basically we had agreed on having (detail removed by moderator) for dinner so I went shopping and cooked it but I had used the (detail removed by moderator) that he didn’t like. In my head the way he should have reacted was to maybe have a moan and either eat it or not and get on with he rest of our (detail removed by moderator) evening. That wasn’t the way it went. He shouted and moaned, called me all sorts of names, demanded another dinner. I offered to cook him.another or to go and get something. This went round and round all evening, I had to sit (detail removed by moderator) because no one wanted to look at me. Needless to say I had to sleep downstairs. He drove me to work the next day (that way he knows where I am). I spoke to the kids at (detail removed by moderator) but he put the phone down after. He was OK when he picked me up.
I know this doesn’t sound very bad but that is just an example. I also know it’s nothing compared to what a lot of people go through. Thank you for reading if you got this far! Xx

[Justpeachy]

Hi, I’m also new.

Please don’t say that it doesn’t sound very bad. Sometimes it’s the things that sound like nothing to others that are the worst, because that’s what hurts in the moment.

I’m so sorry he didn’t appreciate your effort the first time around, or your offer to turn things around. I’m also sorry you had to sleep downstairs. That’s really unfair! What did the people at work say when you shared your story?

I hope you find the courage to post more and more about this and find a way to make your life happier. xx

[Loveis]

Thank you for reading my post and most of all for replying!
I didn’t share all of it to them but one of the ladies said (when we were alone) that that sounds just like her ex husband, and it gave me a bit of hope that I’m not alone. I know that sounds awful, I don’t for a second want anyone else to feel like this but it gave me hope.
You said you are new too, so you must be finding it hard too. I hope you get the help you need xx

[Justpeachy]

I’m glad it gave you hope and it sounds like this lady is someone you can open up to when you are ready to. I hope her perspective can help you understand the opportunities you have and that there’s a light on the other side!

I am lucky that I don’t have kids, so it was easy to leave, but now I have all the unresolved trauma/issues, so thank you.

[Loveis]

Well done for having the courage to leave, I’m sure it wasn’t easy.
I hope you are able to work your way through it and get the support you need. Keep talking!
Xx

[Bananaboat]

Don’t underestimate the impact verbal and emotional abuse can have on you and your kids. His behaviour is very common on these forums and let’s face it, it’s soul destroying. Like you I didn’t share with friends/colleagues but when I did share snippets people reacted similarly which then made me doubt sharing again, but that’s wrong in itself. I always recommend this book as it was the first big step on my journey and it’s Lundy Bancroft’s’why does he do that’, free pdfs available or you can buy a copy. He probably did like the meal you cooked but saw an opportunity to react and control, have you seen the Mr Good vs Mr Bad clip on the freedom programme website too, shows you how different men react to common situations. You know deep down this isn’t right, it’s why you find yourself here, and you definitely deserve better. Education really helps, especially to recognise it’s not your fault. xx

[Loveis]

Thank you, I think I am learning that because it is normal to me that doesn’t make it right.

[searchingforhope]

Hi Loveis, I’m glad your learning that it isn’t right. I know it took me sometime to. And then the more I realised the more I saw, but then even now, we are newly separated, I question myself, was it that bad? Is it in my head? I don’t know what is healthy and normal I guess. Not that I don’t know is there a normal. But I guess healthy reactions. Then I find when it’s emotional and coercive, its so much easier to doubt yourself and question yourself. It’s a hard journey and I didn’t anticipate the twists and turns of separation either. I have kids and that is the main reason it took me so long. From what I’ve gone through so far, my advice is get your supports around you, like that lady at work, contact Womens Aid, keep posting here. It will help you get stronger.
I find the anticipation of a blow up from him and the walking on eggshells is so hard, sounds like you have been doing that. I’ve been tiptoeing around him for years and he has no idea. He thinks he gives into everything I want, it’s the total opposite. It’s very exhausting, so take care of yourself. You’re kids need a happy healthy you. x*x

[Loveis]

Thank you for reading my post and replying, it means so much.
I almost shouted out loud when you said the bit about he always thinks he gives into you. I could have written that bit myself! Everytime I read a reply it gives me that bit more confidence so for that I thank you.
Take care of you too xx

[searchingforhope]

Isn’t it scary the amount of things we read about others here and it’s like reading about our own lives. I find then I see that it’s not right, but for some reason I still struggle seeing the truth for my own situation.

x*x

[Newgirl]

Thank you for sharing I’m new here and I’ve only just accepted the emotional and mental abuse. I always think mine seems nothing to others ie him (detail removed by moderator) but I was physically shaking so I know it’s not right. Im now at the stage where I hate him and I’m just waiting for that moment to get out! It’s so hard to open up to others but I think we do it as we think nobody will believe us it’s kind of preparing us for later I guess. My work friend has been amazing and never doubted me I’m lucky to have her. Next step is to actually go I don’t know where or how as yet I have older children but one knows and supports the other has autism both would need to come with me. I stayed for the kids as thought it was selfish for me to leave but now the realisation of the mental abuse is hard draining and I don’t know how I will have the strength to go when I struggle to get up and face the day

[Loveis]

You will find the strength and you will do it. You have come so far already. Sending lots of love xx

[Author]

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