Hello

[Newbeginning]

I can’t quite believe it has taken me this long to realise what’s been going on in my relationship with my husband. The emotional abuse has been ongoing for years and finally I am understanding that this is actually what it is.
The abuse escalated over the weekend and he tried to prevent me from leaving the house. He previously suggested a trial separation and I said that I thought this was a good idea. This is when he threatened to force me to leave the house, change the locks etc. Eventually he let me leave the house when I said I could call the police if he wouldn’t allow me to leave. I later discovered that he went to the bank and has frozen our joint account. He has now agreed to leave for a separation period, and has said he will transfer money to pay for groceries. I am worried that this isn’t a formal agreement, though he has transferred some money to my account.
My mum is not being at all understanding. She blames me for behaving unreasonably, for going out to much, for not staying at home and cleaning / cooking etc. Saying that “men get grumpy if they don’t have sex”. She wanted to know what have I done to try and improve things. She doesn’t seem capeable of understanding that I have tried so many different tactics and none of them make a positive change. Yet when my brother escaped an emotional abusive relationship she was actively encouraging him to leave and couldn’t have been more supportive to him. Although the abuse was more overt in that relationship, it still hurts that she doesn’t understand that I am experiencing similar. She is effectively participating in the abuse.
I am lucky to have friends who are supportive, but I do still worry where this will go. Having said that, I am hopeful for a happier future.

[Indiamalachite]

Sorry to hear about your experience and your mums reaction. I think this is quite common – my friend and I were talking last week about her sibling being really unsupportive and making out like she was exaggerating etc. Maybe it’s hit a nerve for your mum and she’s trying to be dismissive because of that? I don’t know, but I do know you are doing the right thing – keep talking to people who are supportive and helpful, post on here and stay linked up with people who are going to make you feel heard. As for the financial abuse, I think you should get onto the helpline on here and get some legal advice. If it’s your joint money it’s not for him to dish out pocket money to you. I think you should look into this asap as he is likely to get nastier if he realises your separation may be long term. Good luck!! and keep in touch.

[KIP.]

Hi there, you story is very similar to mine. My ex kept the finances in order to keep control over me. He said he would move out but never did. His abuse escalated until he assaulted me and I had no choice but to report him. Do not believe a word he says. My ex froze our bank account only after he emptied it! If it’s frozen then he cannot take money out either. How do you know it’s frozen? Please see a solicitor as soon as possible. These men will lie, giving Oscar winning performances. Your mum is being unsupportive. Find people who will be supportive. Contact your local women’s aid. This is the most dangerous time when these abuser lose control. It’s a good thing that you recognise your mums behaviour as unsupportive. Some people may never understand and it hurts 10 times more when you feel under attack and vulnerable from your abuser X

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