Hello everyone

[Sallysally]

Cannot quite believe I have reached this point in my life
I have been living with a controlling/jealous husband since the age of (detail removed by moderator). I am now (detail removed by moderator)
I was punched in the face when I was (detail removed by moderator) pregnant and given a black eye and told I asked for it
I had nowhere to go & my mum who was also abusive to me said what have you done to your poor husband!
since then he has never hit me but says I am not worth hitting. I have regular comments of you are worthless, your degree is a joke, you cannot leave or I will take everything,He says I am not worth the effort of marriage guidance counselling. I am sworn at & threatened with his finger in my face.He even phones my gym and bank to check I have been there & does not like me working! He does not kiss me, hold me & if he wants sex it is once a year and I find it repulsive
My children are grown up and one lives away. After he gets in a temper I am ignored for weeks at a time until it suits him to talk to me again, then acts like nothing happened and becomes a kind husband again. not even an apology. He also ignores my grown up daughter.
I feel like I cannot put up with it anymore
but feel so scared to leave!
I have started counselling on my own & trying to build up friends but this is hard as he gets very jealous

when he gets in a mood all my new found confidence flies out of the window and I feel like I will never have the confidence to escape from it

part of me thinks i should just carry on putting up with it but I think it is getting worse
part of me wants to find out who I am and what I am capable of in life and find out my personality which has been missing for a long time before it is too late
If I ask him why he has done these things he just denies it ever happened

sorry for the long rant

x*x

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hi Sally and welcome

Please please don’t ever think that this life is the only one – it isn’t. There is a better life out there for you. A happier life and one that you deserve.

It’s great that you can see your husband for what he is: an abuser.

Give Women’s Aid a call if you can – the ladies are fabulous. Now you have the recognition things will continue to become clearer for you. Keep posting here and reading everyone’s stories and I’m sure you will find the strength to fly solo.

There are some truly inspirational members here xx

[Sallysally]

Thankyou so much for your advice

I will phone up for further advice
everything is becoming clearer and for the first time in more than (detail removed by moderator)years
I feel angry at how I have been treated

My husband is noticing my confidence and is becoming nicer & nicer
and buying lots of gifts for me for christmas which does not normally happen
until the the next time something does not suit him like me wearing the wrong colour dress

[Serenity]

First of all, don’t listen to your mum.

Sometimes, we learn to accept abuse in our relationships because our childhoods were abusive, and what others might instantly see as abusive, we accept as normal, until we inwardly scream that we can’t take it anymore.

Limit what you tell your mother. Keep things more private from her. She might accuse you of being secretive, but that’s because such people want to know everything, so they have more control of you, but you are an adult and entitled to have privacy.

Call Women’s Aid and get validation of your experience. This will help strengthen you to take action and make a move to get away.

You deserve to be safe and to live a life in peace. It will take a lot of strength and courage, but you can do it.

I advise doing a Pattern Changing of Freedom course. This will explain to you the pattern of abuse and how to overcome it. It’s hard to cope alone. X

[Sallysally]

Thankyou for your advice x
I was badly abused by my mother as a child and finally found the strength to walk away from her when my father was dying and she would not let me see him

I will call womens aid to help with making myself feel stronger
I find it hard to feel strong when husband is being nice

I will also look into doing this course

I am trying to make myself feel better by going to the gym
and I have started doing some temp work so I can get more financial independence even though I have disability issues
I is hard to cope alone which is why I have put up with it for so many years
x

[Serenity]

It sounds like you have a kernel of strength in you which means you have the strength to go to the gym and work. That’s great!

He might try to covertly up the abuse and make you lose confidence if you are doing these things to become more fit and independent. Please be vigilant of that. My ex upped the covert abuse when I became more financially independent.

You’re not alone. Women here all know what you’re going through x

[Ayanna]

Hi Sallysally, you definitely need to get out of there.
Make sure you get a chance to speak to Rights of Women. They can tell you everything about your rights when you leave.
If you can, record him secretly.
Have you ever thought of moving into a refuge?

All of us have been humiliated and our confidence was smashed to non existing.
But there is a way out and there is a life after abuse, no matter the age!

Many of us suffered child abuse. That lead us to fall into abusive relationships with awful men.
But all is not lost. You can still get a life, a good life.

Keep posting here!
You are not alone. We all stand with you!

[Sallysally]

Thankyou so much for your replies

You are dead right. I had hit rock bottom and felt trapped in the house
The more I try & become independent with a job and gym friends, the worse his behaviour becomes
and when I feel strong enough to confront him because I work with normal human beings he denies it has even happened!and he can be really nice for a few days and then I feel really confused
I feel I can be stronger when I have outside support
when I don’t reach out to people and isolate myself, depressed in the house & ashamed to tell people about my miserable life, I will never get away from him

You are right I do need to get out. it is hard because I have been with him for most of my life & I am worried about my grown up daughter staying behind
I just feel I need to be happy, strong and independent before I am too old to get away
I married him to get away from my mother even though he was already mistreating me
I feel scared of trusting another man because I feel to vulnerable to being taken advantage of?
is that normal?

Thankyou for all your kindness and bravery in speaking out
it makes me feel tearful that there are women who want to help x

[Author]

Posts