Hello everyone – can’t sleep and feeling very lonely

[lovesprollies]

I’ve had access to this forum for a while and read things periodically but as I’m awake unable to sleep I’ve finally took the plunge and decided to introduce myself and share my story.

My ex was emotionally and physically abusive, I managed to end the relationship but it’s been one hell of a journey getting to where I am today. It’s (detail removed by Moderator) since I was able to end the relationship, they got a job in another city and that was my break. Most people on here have left the place they lived with their abuser but in my situation they needed to leave because it’s my home not theirs. My ex was actually a good friend before we became romantically involved with each other which is what hurts so much – I lost a partner and a good friend which upsets me so much. They supported me in the loss of my (detail removed by Moderator) which is how we got so close but this was going to be the reason why I was pursued. What I thought was a friend supporting another friend in their time of need my ex actually took all the information about (detail removed by Moderator) and became exactly what I was longing for. Before this I never saw them in that light they were just my friend and not even a close one – regular friend who chatted now and again.

We ended up speaking all day every day, became besties and I ended up asking them if they’d want to take our friendship further as I started to get feelings. Things at the beginning were amazing but soon after the honeymoon period ended I realised the person I thought they were was in fact a complete lie. They hid their addictions from me and alcohol was one of the main reasons things got so abusive, drunken rages fuelled the physical abuse but what was more damaging was the psychological abuse which happened sober.

My ex would keep me awake for hours at a time, going round in circles until I agreed with their view/opinion/idea, as someone with multiple chronic illnesses I’d have to agree otherwise a flare up would happen. This cycle repeated constantly whenever I wasn’t being a “good partner” or something happened they didn’t like. Each day I didn’t know if the thing I did the day before was right or wrong. They would make me do all the household chores whilst portraying to people we knew they were the ultimate caring partner looking after their disabled girlfriend. Little did anyone know what happened at home. They took advantage of me financially, moving in without asking and then never contributing because their wages went on alcohol and drugs. Thankfully I’m established in my career and ran my own home before we were ever in a relationship. Maybe that’s why they picked me because it meant they could do what they wanted and there was always a stable home provided.

I’m autistic and have adhd which my ex would make me do things in public to humiliate me, they took advantage of my inability to read social cues or understanding of certain social norms. These events haunt me and I often have nightmares about them, it’s like my ex got a kick out of making me look stupid and upsetting me. I also have (detail removed by Moderator) as part of my autism which they would put me in incredibly stressful situations that left me so drained I was often in burnout. These events were really dangerous for me but not a lot of people knew I was autistic as they forbade me to share with our new friends. They could only know of my physical disabilities because in their eyes “(detail removed by Moderator)” (that’s the nice way of putting it they often referred to me as a r****d or a s***tic if I brought up my neurodivergence.

It got to a point where I became bedbound because the abuse was taking that much of a toll on my body, my ex would leave me to rot in the bed not helping me with basic human needs whilst telling others how they loved caring for me and wanted to possibly switch careers to do it for more people. They used their religion to manipulate people into thinking they were a great person all whilst doing the opposite of their faiths requirements (drinking, drugs, gambling, cheating) I thought this person was amazing because of the charity work they did (turns out they didn’t) going to the (detail removed by Moderator) with family and teaching me about the (detail removed by Moderator) and the history of (detail removed by Moderator) culture. I went to a (detail removed by Moderator) school and whilst I’m not practicing it was interesting to learn their heritage and religion but it was all used against me in the end. They were superior, they were above me and I was nothing. Left to rot in bed nearly soiling myself on many occasions because they wouldn’t help me. “(detail removed by Moderator)” was often told to me.

This was my life for so long I lost touch with my family and friends, I didn’t see anyone apart from those I worked with but I couldn’t tell anyone. People could see something was wrong but couldn’t pin what it was. Finally when they got a new job and had to relocate I took my chance to remove my ex from my life. I felt such relief being free from this monster and I’ve been able to manage my health conditions much better since the breakup. My only issue now is the fact I’ve now got to process all that I’ve been though and that’s causing me to be a prisoner in my own home. I’ve stopped socialising, struggle to go to the office, and even communicate with people all together. I don’t understand how I’m almost regressing even though my ex is not in my life anymore. I’ve cut all contact however they still try and get my attention by sending parcels periodically. This freaks me out when it happens but I’ve stayed strong and not broken my no contact. They make me so mad and I have racing thoughts about the events that happened over our relationship, things I’d want to say if I had the chance, things I’d do if I was well enough, and so much more. I hate how it’s on my mind all the time then when I’m sleeping I’m having nightmares about my ex it’s like I cannot escape it. I can only hope in time my brain can process it all and I’ll be able to move forward.

If you get to the end of my post thank you so much for taking the time to read everything, this felt good getting everything out and sharing what’s happened to me. Maybe now I can tell people in person more information other than they weren’t nice to me or that they controlled me. It’s so hard speaking up but this forum has been a saving grace as I’ve read others posts and finally been confident enough to post myself.

Thank you again for reading my post.

[Lisa]

Hi lovesprollies,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. Posting can be a big step, so I’m glad that you’re feeling in a place where you could and that you found it helpful. Also lovely to hear the impact the forum has had for you so far.

You went through such a lot from your ex, it’s normal for it to take time to process. Even though you’re able to manage your conditions better now, it’s a common thing that symptoms may flare up after leaving or further on down the road. When you’re with an abuser, you’re doing whatever you can to survive and get through. It could be that your body is now feeling safe enough be more vulnerable almost, now you’re not in pure survival defence mode, and perhaps that’s why there’s some regression. Healing from trauma can be complex and non-linear for anyone, when you’re living with other conditions too, it’s understandable that these might both be affected and affect how you heal.

Have you had any support to help you in recovering? You could get in touch with your local domestic abuse service to see what they can offer and what other local services they may be able to suggest. If you feel able, it might be helpful to open up to your GP about how you’re feeling and the things you’re struggling with. Bloom provide video courses, along with other resources and support, around healing from abuse and trauma. If you wanted to discuss options for support further, you could use our Live Chat service to speak to a Women’s Aid worker.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[charmed]

Hi lovesprollies well done for your post I hope it helps you talk about it with other people.many of us haven’t been able to take that step and get away from our abusers you have and you should be very proud of yourself for that. I hope you continue doing well sending hugs to you x

[Author]

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